Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Top 5 Comments about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford


Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto, a city of 2.5 million (more populous than all but 3 cities in the U.S.), recently admitted at the most awkward press conference ever that he smoked crack last year while in a drunken stupor.  Here are the funniest comments about or fake quotes about the incident:

5: He lives in a van, down by the river!

4: Marion Barry: "Ford would make a fine Mayor of Washington D.C."

3: Rob Ford: "Can't you [the media] use a picture of me smoking crack instead of that one of me having an accident [pictured above]?"

2: Headline: Chris Farley Found Alive, Though Not Well, in Canada

1: Rob Ford: "I'm sorry; I was in a drunken stupor and high on crack at the time of that press conference."

Sorry Rob, but you brought this on yourself.  Have you heard any good ones about Rob Ford?  If so, share in the comments below!

The site is back in operation, and will be making occasional posts as the mood hits us.  Thanks for enduring our delay!  Twitterers, follow me @DaveKozlowski or Like the Kooz Top 5 on Facebook. 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Not Defunct, Just Dormant Like Mothra


You'll notice that we haven't updated in a while.  We are still here, but we're on hiatus.

The truth is, the Kooz Top 5 is a lot of work, and trying to bring you the funny every day is overwhelming for   our one and a half person staff.  Especially since there is no money in this.  None.  No "donate" button; nothing.  Hell, we have ads, but we bury them at the bottom of the page (they are so ignored that over the life of the KT5, the ads haven't generated enough revenue to qualify for actual payment!).

Still, we want to continue.  We are looking for contributors.  Can you write (even a little)?  How about a "top 5" once a week?  If so, email us.

Here's some stats: the site, dormant as it is, still gets about 400-500 unique visits per day (and that's from Google Analytics, not the jive, spam-filled stats from Blogger).  Each article, depending how well it is promoted and how interesting it is, gets between 50 and 200 unique views on its first day.  After that, it gets archived by Google and shows up in searches.

We can offer you no pay.  But, you'll write, and your writing will be read by real people!  Oh, and if you have a website or something else you want to pimp, that's fine too.

Sound cool?  Join the dark side...

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Gilbert Gottfried's Bird Voice Acting Roles

Gilbert Gottfried has made a career out of voicing birds.  Oh, and being a comedian.  But the bird thing is really weird--he plays a lot of birds...

5: The Woodpecker (Timon & Pumbaa) - Gilbert plays a mean looking woodpecker in this straight-to-video sequel to The Lion King.

4: Duck (Lemony Snicket's: A Series of Unfortunate Events) - Don't care about the movie at all; didn't see it; whatever.  But I understand Gilbert plays a duck.

3: Digit (Cyberchase) - I've watched this show with my kid, mainly because it has Gilbert doing this bird's voice and Christopher Lloyd as the bad guy.

2: Aflac Duck - He was fired form this role after Tweeting some jokes about the Tsunami that ravaged Japan a few years back.  Aflac then hired a much cheaper hack who sounds exactly like Gilbert to voice the duck. A cynical person would say Aflac used the opportunity to dump Gilbert's salary and hire someone much cheaper.

1: Iago (Aladdin) - I'm so ticked off, I'm molting!  Great movie, great character, great gig for Gilbert.  He didn't even need to do a voice--it's just him.

I would personally love to see an animated bird acting out Gilbert's telling of The Aristocrats, but maybe that's just me.  Comments below, like us on Facebook, find us on Twitter @KoozTop5, yada yada yada...

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Inappropriate Valentine's Day Candy Heart Messages

These Valentine's Day candy heart messages are not necessarily bad, but they really shouldn't be in the box of candy your kid is bringing to school.  Not that we're judging...

5: Gave You STD

4: Aunt Flo Says No

3: Pee on Me

2: No Gag Reflex

1: U Have Acute Angina

Happy Valentine's Day!  Here's hoping you don't get any of these.  Or do.   Whatever makes you happy! Show us some love by liking us on Facebook!