Friday, September 16, 2011

Top 5 Crappy Beers

No micro brew or craft brew here--only traditional terrible, get-you-drunk, $2.99-a-sixer crap.

5: Schaefer - America's oldest lager (first brewed in 1842) and best-selling beer in the world until Budweiser surpassed it in the 70s, Schaeffer is ... [searching for something nice to say] ... certainly an attempt at brewing!  Okay, so it isn't actually very good, but it's cheaper than soda and will get you drunk.  Since they've been making it for almost 170 years, the brewers have learned how to keep Schaefer just this side of palatable.

4: Natural Ice - Natty Ice is the best-selling ice-beer on the market.  The market for ice beer, of course, is made up primarily of under age college kids who buy Natty Ice because it's cheap and has a high abv (5.9% alcohol by volume).  Rumor has it that drinking Natty Ice on a sober stomach may cause blindness.  Still, f'ing Natty Ice yo!

3: Rheingold - "My beer, is Rheingold Extra Dry beer."  The company and intellectual property have been sold many times over, but the current incarnation is a light and crisp, mildly refreshing drink that approaches what one might call "lager."  It's only available in limited places in the Northeast, so that makes it kinda cool too, I guess.

2: Coors Light - People drink bad beer to get drunk quickly and cheaply.  This is Coors Light's calling.  It's nearly flavorless, and it's a tad less carbonated than other shitty beers, so it goes down quickly and easily without making you full.  Want proof that Coors Light has no concern about making a good, flavorful beer?  Their labels now show you when the bottle is "Super Cold"--cold numbs your tongue and dulls your sense of taste, making terrible swill passable.  'Nuff said.

1: Meister Brau - Unfortunately, the "Master Brew" is no longer being produced, so if you haven't had it before, you're s.o.l.  It's number 1 here because as bad beers go, it was delicious.  Plus, thinking about it always makes me laugh to remember my friend Pony trying to convince people it actually translated to "Mister Beer"!  Eh, sure, why not...

"Oh my!  No Budweiser!"  Whatever, let me have it by commenting below...


  1. I'm more upset about the lack of Miller Lite, and PBR

  2. Respect the masterbrew, that one was the best back in the day. Also don't forget bush light

    Now a days I like pbr andmiller high life
    - remi

  3. Wait what?! When did they stop making meisterbrau? Not that i would ever drink it anymore but i was happy just knowing it was out there.

  4. Genesee Cream Ale

    ::throws up in mouth::

  5. Apologies to Pabst. PBR was a big oversight on my part.

  6. What about MIlwaukee's Best, AKA, "Milwaukee''s Beast" or Old Milwaukee, AKA, "Old Swillwaukee"?  Those two could give horse urine a run for its can Corona and Dos Equis...

  7. Ah, the Beast garnered strong consideration.  At this level of beer, I suppose any of these could be swapped out for any other without too much argument.  I think Corona and Dos Equis are half a step up--still bad, but not as bad as these.