Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Top 5 Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners

Henny Youngman was nicknamed King of the One-Liners, a title only appropriate because Rodney Dangerfield hadn't yet started his career.  Don't know what I mean?  You will after you read today's top 5:

5: One day I came home early and saw a man jogging outside my house naked--no clothes on.  I asked him why, he said "Because you came home early."

4: I come from a stupid family.  During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the West!

3: I was tired one night and went to the bar to have a few drinks.  The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?"  I said, "Surprise me."  He showed me a naked picture of my wife!

2: My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."  He said, "Alright, you're ugly too!"

1: I passed a bar and saw a sign outside saying, "Inside: Topless!  Bottomless!"  I went inside; there was nobody there!

Okay, so these aren't all literally "one line," but they're funny as hell, and there are a lot more where these came fom!  Share your favorites by commenting below.


  1. A couple I remember that I think were his (or, at least, he used...):

    "My wife likes to talk to me during sex. Just last night she called from a hotel."

    "My parents never liked me. My father never took me to the zoo. He said, 'If they want you, they'll come and get you.'"

    "I never got no respect. Never had any luck with girls. One girl, she said, come over there's nobody home. I came over. There was nobody home."

  2. These may not be the exact quotes...

    My son asked for a BBGun for christmas, he bought me a shirt with a bulls-eye on it.

    I like making love to 2 girls. This way when I fall asleep, they have each other to talk to.

    You know my Dr.? Dr. Vinny BoomBatz...

  3. Could totally be titled "the top five lines my husband always quotes."