Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Top 5 Things That Bugged Me About the Two and a Half Men Premiere

Charlie Sheen (born Carlos Irwin Estevez--bet you didn't know that!) was roasted by Comedy Central and killed on the show that resurrected his career, both on the same night.  Although Two and a Half Men hasn't been funny for years, this season's premiere has made it officially unwatchable.  Here's what bugged me about it:

5: Charlie Harper (Sheen) is dead, and the show opens at his funeral.  But is anyone sad?  No, they are all just angry.  In fact, most of the attendees are angry ex one-night-stands constantly making quips about what a jerk Charlie was.  Okay, fine.  Sheen pissed off everyone involved with the show, and payback's a bitch.  But this was a pretty lame send-off.  This is a prefect example of how writing while angry is seldom funny.

4: Ashton Kutcher  played a dimwitted millionaire who doesn't drink or fool around--until he meets straight-edge Alan and ends up hammered with two girls.  Most of the jokes focused on how "big" Ashton is.  Where exactly is the audience saying, "Hahahahahaha--he has a big penis!  Hilarious!"  Ugh.  I kept hoping for Ashton to break character and tell the audience they got punked.  That would have been great--if the whole Charlie Sheen being crazy thing was planned as the biggest practical joke ever, and he's back in next week's episode (it could happen--an entire season of Dallas was revealed to be one character's dream).

3: At the funeral, Rose (Charlie's stalker) revealed that she and Charlie were married, she caught him cheating, and she pushed him in front of a subway train.  She was one of the endearing characters on the show--flawed, but human.  She was often given the touching lines.  Now she's a murderer.  Classy move by the writers.  Oh, and she says Charlie exploded like a balloon full of meat.  Wow, really?  That's funny how?

2: John Stamos had a cameo where he recalled having a threesome with Charlie and some girl, and when the girl passed out, he and Charlie kept going.  Then he runs out, embarrassed and ashamed.  Because what this episode really needed was a good gay joke.  I got the image of Producer Chuck Lorre on the playground telling the other kids that "Charlie's gay," on the day that Charlie is home sick.  Lorre is one bitter dude.

1: Finally, back at the funeral, Rose says her meat balloon line, and what's the reaction--horror?  Embarassment?  Uncomfortable stares?  Nope--the only notable reaction was from Jake (the "half" man from the title).  Jake, who has grown up in front of viewers from a chubby, loveable kid to a less chubby and somewhat annoying teen.  Jake, who learned so much from his uncle Charlie over the previous 8 seasons.  What's Jake's reaction to hearing his uncle's death essentially referred to as a bursting human-sized overstuffed sausage?: "I'm hungry.  Is anyone else hungry?"  Jake is devoid of emotion, and like Dexter, he might be a sociopath.

Phew, okay, just needed to vent.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a comedy.  but Cheers, All in the Family, M*A*S*H--they all handled character departures with grace and humor--something Two and a Half Men didn't manage.  I stopped watching this show years ago because it got boring and repetitive, but I got sucked in to this.  Never again.  To paraphrase the old Presidential proverb: "Fool me once, shame on... shame on... you... fool me... you can't get fooled again."

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  1. Kelso? Guy playing same character.

  2. Thanks Dave for saving half an hour for me to be reading the Bankruptcy Code instead which, according to this Top 5, sounds more amsuing and entertaining.