Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Top 5 Worst Shows on the History Channel

Remember when the History Channel showed history shows?  Me neither, but I'm told it did (right before it turned into the WWII channel, which was right before it turned into the Civil War channel, which was right before the current crop of crap it runs).  It is pretty awful now, but here's its worst offenders:

5: Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy - I don't think Larry is funny.  I understand some people do, and that's fine.  In this show, Larry travels the country to experience the different cultures of regional America.  Which is historical, because...oh, right.  I'm sure it's hilarious though.

4: MonsterQuest - With episodes tackling the existence of such monsters as Birdzilla and the Black Beast of Exmoor, MonsterQuest shows us that Americans will watch anything if it's presented as true.  Also, it's not a history program.

3: UFO Hunters - The History Channel execs sat around a board room and said, "What other bullshit can we peddle to our Red Bull-and-Cheetos-stained-t-shirt-wearing lonely fans?"  They ultimately shat out this monstrosity.  The tagline of the show is "Hoax or History"--well, it's not history, so...


2: Ancient Aliens - The folks at History Channel accidentally let a history-themed show into their lineup!  Unfortunately, it's Ancient Aliens.  The ancient aliens idea has been so thoroughly debunked as to make the premise of this show laughable.  The original idea clearly ran its course by the time they resorted to an episode on Aliens and Monsters in season 3, but it keeps on chugging.  And that isn't even the worst show on the channel...

1: Sliced - The idea of Sliced was to take everyday objects and cut them into halves using chainsaws, sawzalls, etc. to "see how they work."  Instead, they destroyed whatever they were trying to cut, using no precision at all, then gazed cluelessly at the mess of parts on the ground.  While it was a cool (if stale) idea, it was so poorly executed as to make it laughable.  Ever seen the inside of a computer?  Did it give you any idea as to how it worked?  This show had nothing to do with history, but it was cancelled so it's history now!  Waka waka.

So that's it.  A list of crappy shows.  Know what show should be on the History Channel?  Finding Bigfoot.  Instead of a whole paragraph for #1, I could have simply typed: "Umm, no they're not."  Oh well.  I guess there's crap everywhere (it's on Animal Planet).  Hate History Channel too?  Share your lamentations below.  

6 comments:

  1. Couldn't agree more. I thought you were going to say American restoration and I was going to have to fight you on that one.

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  2. oh, young ones... i remember those pre-wwii channel and supposition channel days...
    Did you notice how the expert UFOlogists (whatever that might be) are the same two guys? One, the old guy with or without sunglasses and leather jacket (from UFO Hunters) and the other is a fellow who's hair is in need of a stylist. I bet that dude sits around in his hovel pulling at his locks shouting "IT'S SO OBVIOUS PEOPLE!! DON'T YOU SEE - THEY ARE COMING!!!" Still pawn stars and american pickers have some small degree of history - although the Subway commercials in the former make me like that show less every time I see it and the latter has some unspoken tension betwist the protagonists. And don't get me started on Nostradamous 2012 - ugh!!!

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  3. I honestly didn't even know any of these shows existed. I have probably never watched the history channel

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  4. Full metal jousting is the gayest, most boring show I've ever seen.

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  5. And any thing ww2 or any American battle regardless of political reasons is worth watching.

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  6. Terrible show.  Terrible.  As for WW2 stuff, yeah, it's usually good programming, but it's almost never on the History Channel anymore!  Crazy!  It got bumped for make-believe!!!

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