Monday, October 24, 2011

Top 5 Worst Trick-or-Treat "Treats"

You spent the time getting dressed up.  Although you keep cutting your tongue on the mouth slit of your cheap plastic costume and the rubber band your mom used to replace the mask's string is pulling your hair out, you soldier on, determined to get as much free candy as you can carry.  You have one night--no extensions.  Things start off great with some candy bags or full-sized candy bars (see the best trick-or-treating treats), then, ...tragedy!  Here's 12 year old Kooz's thoughts on the worst things you can get while trick-or-treating.

5: Coupons - Let me be clear: there are two kinds of coupons a kid could get for Halloween.  The first is the $1.00 coupon for McDonald's.  That's gold, Jerry.  Gold!  The second is the percentage/dollar amount off something the kid isn't going to buy anyway.  Thanks for wasting my time.  You get an egg next year.

4: Pennies - Lady, we aren't 3.  We know pennies aren't real money.  Don't pawn off your garbage change on us!  Penny for my thoughts?  I'm thinking egg.

3: Fruit - Kids don't want fruit.  Kids certainly don't want fruit in lieu of candy.  It doesn't matter if these are the best peaches or the most delicious apples--we don't want them!  But even if we did, our parents wouldn't let us eat them for fear that you're a psychopath putting razor blades in the fruit.  (And can you blame them?  You're giving fruit on Halloween!).  Egg.

2: Hard candy - Although I'm fairly certain the only time I encountered this was when I visited a house with the light and an old woman who was totally unaware it was Halloween.  The only sweets the blue-hair had was hard candy stuck together in a porcelain bowl.  Even when it's fresh, loose hard candy is absolutely inedible.  That sucked, but you can't blame her, she was caught off-guard.  No egg, but c'mon lady, turn off your light!

1: Nothing - Don't put on your porch light and certainly don't have Halloween decorations up if you don't intend for trick-or-treaters to come to your door.  If you violate these rules, you'd better dig through the cabinets and find a fruit roll-up or chocolate chip granola bar for me.  Don't be a jerk and send me away empty-handed--even the old lady in #2 gave me crappy old candy.  For nothing, you bought yourself a solid dozen.

There's one I didn't include since it never happened to me, but there is at least one documented case of some poor kid getting a rock.  My kids are 20 months and -2 months, but when they're older, I can't wait to see what kind of crap they get!   Check out more Halloween top 5 lists: best Halloween songs, best vampire movies, best Oktoberfest beers, and Tim Burton movies (that's not such a stretch if you're familiar with his work).  As always, if you have a comment, please post it below (and follow the blog, or share on FB, Twitter, or G+).


  1. As mentioned in a previous post, I once got a handful of Cheerios from a little old lady. Possibly even store brand. I feel awkward and depressed for the both of us.

    -Jim in LA

  2. Jim in LA,
    Best not come by my neck of the woods this Halloween.
    -Suzanne in CT

  3. Suzanne in CT,

    Can you at least make it Froot Loops?

    -Jim in LA

  4. I'll think about it, but don't get your hopes up.
    -suzanne in ct