5: Coupons - Let me be clear: there are two kinds of coupons a kid could get for Halloween. The first is the $1.00 coupon for McDonald's. That's gold, Jerry. Gold! The second is the percentage/dollar amount off something the kid isn't going to buy anyway. Thanks for wasting my time. You get an egg next year.
3: Fruit - Kids don't want fruit. Kids certainly don't want fruit in lieu of candy. It doesn't matter if these are the best peaches or the most delicious apples--we don't want them! But even if we did, our parents wouldn't let us eat them for fear that you're a psychopath putting razor blades in the fruit. (And can you blame them? You're giving fruit on Halloween!). Egg.
2: Hard candy - Although I'm fairly certain the only time I encountered this was when I visited a house with the light and an old woman who was totally unaware it was Halloween. The only sweets the blue-hair had was hard candy stuck together in a porcelain bowl. Even when it's fresh, loose hard candy is absolutely inedible. That sucked, but you can't blame her, she was caught off-guard. No egg, but c'mon lady, turn off your light!
1: Nothing - Don't put on your porch light and certainly don't have Halloween decorations up if you don't intend for trick-or-treaters to come to your door. If you violate these rules, you'd better dig through the cabinets and find a fruit roll-up or chocolate chip granola bar for me. Don't be a jerk and send me away empty-handed--even the old lady in #2 gave me crappy old candy. For nothing, you bought yourself a solid dozen.
There's one I didn't include since it never happened to me, but there is at least one documented case of some poor kid getting a rock. My kids are 20 months and -2 months, but when they're older, I can't wait to see what kind of crap they get! Check out more Halloween top 5 lists: best Halloween songs, best vampire movies, best Oktoberfest beers, and Tim Burton movies (that's not such a stretch if you're familiar with his work). As always, if you have a comment, please post it below (and follow the blog, or share on FB, Twitter, or G+).