5. Pulling the wishbone. This is, at once, gross, creepy, and stupid. It's gross because it involves children pulling at pieces of turkey carcass. It's creepy because it involves children pulling at pieces of turkey carcass. It's stupid because it involves children pulling at pieces of turkey carcass (and because "luck" isn't a thing).
4. Watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. There is a lot of good television on Thanksgiving. There's football, there are a ton of specials, and these days, there's just about anything you'd want to see streaming. So why do we watch a parade on t.v. that we'd never want to watch in person? And notice how dated the characters are--Popeye? Do kids know Popeye? Where's Betty Boop and Felix the Cat while we're at it?
3. Playing touch football. Yeah, the one day when all the old men go into the small backyard and toss a Nerf football around, pretending that they used to be athletes. It's never fun, and someone always pulls something to bring the game to a sudden halt. Keep playing and one day it will be you.
2. Black Friday. There is a month to Christmas. Settle the fuck down.
1. Pardoning a turkey. Formally since 1989, the President of the most powerful nation in the free world takes time out of his busy schedule to "pardon" a turkey (and the turkey's alternate--the "vice-turkey"). Rather than focus on things like war or the crumbling world economy, President Obama will take a moment to pardon fowl whose predecessors include Biscuits, Gravy, Marshmallow, Yam, Fryer, Pumpkin, Apple, and Cider. Okay, so realistically, this isn't a big deal--it isn't as though important things are neglected so the President can do this, but really, can we stop? Please?
So what do you think? Are there any stupid traditions I'm forgetting? Are there things on the list I'm crazy for including? Let me hear it in the comments!