Monday, December 12, 2011

Top 5 Stupidest G.I. Joe Action Figures

G.I. Joe was a highly influential cartoon for every boy in the 80s.  The cartoon world where the quasi-military Joes warred with the secret criminal Cobra organization masterminded by a half-snake, half-man bent on conquering the world blinded us to the fact the show was just a long commercial for the Hasbro toy series.  The toy series premiered in 1982, but became progressively weirder as the cartoon series wore on and gained in popularity.  Below is a list of some of the worst G.I. Joe figures ever made, some for their gimmick, some for other reasons.

5: Shipwreck (1985) - Shipwreck was a sailor.  In 1994, he got a revamped action figure and became a Navy SEAL, but initially, he was a sailor.  He came with a parrot.  The parrot's name was Polly.  His G.I. Joe specialties included deck swabbing and singing songs about the Navy.  He was never helpful.

4: Sneak Peek (1987) - Sneak Peek performed advanced recon for the Joes.  Doubtless his light gray and bright orange costume, combined with his neon green periscope-ish thing, provided Cobra plenty of advanced notice the Joes were lurking nearby as well.

3: Chuckles (1987) - Chuckles is the Joes' spy--undercover as a douchebag in a Hawaiian shirt with an inconspicuous holster over the shirt around his chest and a foot-long blade cleverly disguised as a gigantic knife strapped to his leg.  He was terrible at his job, and his name was Chuckles.
 
2: The Fridge (1986) - The 1986 Bears won the SuperBowl.  William Perry--nicknamed "The Fridge"--was a defensive player who was used occasionally in offensive plays.  In the '86 Super Bowl, he scored a touchdown on a running play, carrying several defensive players with him.  In G.I. Joe, he was only available by special mail order, his weapon was a football on a chain (although the chain was molded plastic, so it was really a football on a pole), and he was listed as a Physical Training Instructor for the Joes.  The Fridge stood 6'2", 382 lbs.  Yup, the Joes had a fat guy as their PT instructor.

1: Ice Cream Solider (1994) - He's not a terrible character--he's a flamethrower commando, whatever that is, and his weapon is pretty bad-ass.  His secondary military specialty--according to his official file card--was "Barbecue Chef."  Yikes.  But really, he's on this list for having the worst Code Name in the history of the franchise.

There is a world of lousy G.I. Joe figures out there.  What are your favorite terrible action figures?  I only saw half of the new movie--were there any goofy new characters introduced in it?  Share your thoughts below.

15 comments:

  1. i would love to see who would get laid off first. these five clowns better start polishing their resume. don't forget QWERTY....armed with a cell phone, he talks shit about cobra to other haters in g.i.joe and who could forget C.O.U.P.O.N., armed with shears, no sunday paper is safe. you can't expect flint or duke to go on groupon. Go Joe!!!

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  2. Hahahaha! Never got any of these action figures, but the list is hysterical. You didn't make any of this up?

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  3. haha the sailor is hilarious with the mini parrot and the fridge is just ridiculous LOLOL

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  4. "Sneak Peak" and "The Fridge" really these are the names of action figures....
    title really fitted with these kind of stupidity....

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  5. Yeah, you'd think someone up in the executive offices would have looked at this and realized they'd gone way too far...

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  6. Embarrassingly enough, yes, these are all real.  My generation was very easy to fool into buying toys.

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  7. I made this site years ago, dedicated to the worst GI Joe ever  -- Sneak Peek.

    Thought i'd finally share it with the rest of the world.

    (click on the blue star)

    http://www.sneakpeek.neillholley.com/ 

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  8. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the comment!  Your site is hilarious--I hope all my readers check you out.  Hope to see you stop back sometime!

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  9. I figured for sure you'd have Sgt. Slaughter on here, since in the wrestling world he went over to the Iraqi side, and made lots of kids that did GI Joe really sad they bought that action figure....


    Also, do you remember the GI Joe you could send off for, that was you? You put in your own bio, your own code name, and they'd send you an action figure of yourself, and it was a generic person with a huge helmet?

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  10. P.S. I had all of those but the Ice Cream Soldier...missed that one....

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  11. I don't remember that--if I had known about it, I would have a me action figure without a doubt. Damn, I'm pissed I missed that one!

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  12. It was a pretty interesting one. Its one of the GI Joes I remember most, I remember when it came in the mail, I remember reading the bio that I wrote myself. I'm sure I still have it in storage somewhere, as long as my parents didn't throw it out when cleaning my grandmas. Would be nice to see if they didn't throw away the card, as I remember keeping it as a child.

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  13. That is a primo item to add to your collection (if you have one). I would probably pay a good amount for my own official GI Joe.

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