Thursday, January 5, 2012

Top 5 Dumbest Quotes from Republican 2012 Presidential Candidates

This blog is non-partisan. Where appropriate, we will make fun of any major, minor, or third party in any country. As you know, the U.S. will be choosing a President soon. Unfortunately for you Republican readers, the GOP has provided a field of candidates who can't seem to keep their feet out of their mouths. It's an embarrassment of riches for late night talk show hosts. I'll have my swipe here. These are actual quotes from people who intend to lead the United States for 4 years.

5: Rick Perry, Governor of Texas - "I will tell you; it's three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education, and the... What's the third one there? Let's see... Okay. So Commerce, Education! And the... I can't. The third one, I can't. Sorry. Oops." (Forgetting, during a debate, that he would cut the Department of Energy.  This isn't fair--he just forgot something, but he's such a bad debater, and this was huge--it probably cost him a legitimate chance of securing the nomination.)

4: Herman Cain, Pizza Magnate - "I'm ready for the 'gotcha' questions, and they're already starting to come. And when they ask me 'who is the President of Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-Stan-Stan,' I'm going to say, 'you know, I don't know. Do you know?'" (Blissfully proud of his ignorance in foreign affairs, because it's probably not important for the leader of the free world to know anything about Uzbekistan.)

3: Michele Bachmann, Congresswoman from Minnesota - "Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa.  That's the kind of spirit I have too."  (John Wayne, legendary actor and tough guy, was from Winterset, Iowa.  Okay, not too far off...  Oh wait, John Wayne Gacy, notorious murderer of 33 people, lived in and committed atrocities in Waterloo.  D'oh!)

2: Newt Gingrich, Former Speaker of the House of Representatives - "I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [my grandchildren are] my age, they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."  (Methinks Newt has no understanding of the following definitions: "secular," "atheist," "dominated," and "radical Islamists."  If he did, he'd understand that his points are mutually exclusive and his statement is nonsensical.

1: Bachmann is fun, let's have another from her - "But we also know that the very founders that wrote these documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ...I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly--men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country."  (So much wrong here (aside from the grammar)--many of the Founding Fathers were slaveholders; provisions to abolish slavery were left out of the Constitution; the Constitution indicates that a slave is counted as 3/5 of a person for calculating population; John Quincy Adams was not a Founding Father (his dad, John Adams, was); John Quincy Adams did not see slavery abolished in his lifetime.  Look, you don't have to know all this generally, but if you're running for President, you should at least run these by someone who does before you say them.)

As of this writing, Perry's campaign is on hold, and Bachmann and Cain have dropped out of the running.  Newt is still in, but is probably going to run interference for the generally-hateful-toward-people-of-different-viewpoints Rick Santorum.  Unfortunately, pro-reality Republican Jon Huntsman is polling at about 1%.  Oh well, I guess the GOP is really looking at starting with a clean slate and a legitimate field in 2016...

Okay conservatives, burn me in effigy (figuratively) below.  Dems, you'll get yours--all in due time.  Mwah-ha-ha!


  1. You know, Perry's could have done a little damge control if he just paused and said something to the effect of:  "You know, the third one is so pointless I can't even remember it's name." Instead, he said oops.  Oh Perry...

  2. True.  He's not quick on his feet, which is a big hurdle to getting elected to this office.

  3. Perry's campaign is no longer on hold--he is planning on going forward and seeking the Republican nomination to President of the United States.

  4. Very true.  That is key.  And even though he made the list, I have a few hardcore democrat friends that are scared to death of a possible debate between Gingrich and Obama.  He's been around long enough that, love him or hate him, he could be dangerous. 

  5. Gingrich, Romney, and Huntsman are all smart, and could all hold their own in a debate with Obama.  Obama will make Santorum look foolish, Pery will make himself look foolish, and Bachmann really brought little to the table and would have clearly been outclassed (as I think she was against this Republican field, though I guess eh had a few moments).

  6. A few good ones:

  7. Excellent link--thanks for sharing Pam!