5: "To my Valentine"--this is what you get for dropping all those hearts, bitch.
3: Holy Jeebus! Get this girl some ointment, and keep her away from that guy she likes!
1: Really? I'd "veal" much better if you didn't kill that bloody baby cow.
And here's your Valentine's Day bonus--the Krampus, who usually follows St. Nick at Christmas and punishes bad children makes a special appearance in this card to skewer a few hearts. Guess he's been told "no" a few times...