Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Top 5 Things I Hate About The Lorax

The effing Lorax is in effing theaters everywhere, and I'm sick of it.  I walk past a dumb "3-D" Lorax billboard every work day, and I am bombarded with images of a huffy, pissy-looking Lorax constantly.  Like this:
Look at this smug bastard, thinking he's better than us.  Jerk.
I am so sick of the damn Lorax, that why I hate him is the subject of today's top 5.

5: Danny DeVito sings on The Voice, then gets ripped apart Simon Cowell-style by Danny DeVito as the Lorax, who speaks for the trees...and asshole record producers...and only in rhyme.  Hahaha, isn't this a funny concept?  DeVito is on The Voice, but he can't sing, and he's telling himself that, but as the Lorax!  Because he's "the voice" for the Lorax!  Isn't that so clever!  Do we need further proof that television thinks we're dumb?

"I'm Tintin, and I suck even without the implicit racist drawings."
4: The Lorax is simply the latest in a long line of mediocre books turned into CGI movies in an attempt to separate kids and their nostalgic parents from the kids' college funds.  Wanted: any studio in Hollywood wanting to support an original idea that isn't shit.  (And yes, The Lorax is a mediocre book.  Oh, The Places You'll Go! it ain't.)

3: The Lorax is responsible for IHOP's "Lorax-themed" breakfasts, including "The Lorax's Breakfast" which is comprised of, among other things, (drum roll): green eggs and ham.  Nice, except it's the WRONG EFFING BOOK!  This ad campaign takes the phrase "intellectually lazy" and spells it "int. laz." (Yeah, they leave off the "y."  Assholes.)  By the way, the eggs are still yellow.  I have a white shirt with blue writing--that doesn't make it a blue shirt.

2: The Lorax was a tale about conservation over over-industrialization.  In this commercial we see the Lorax pimping a Mazda SUV.  In this next video, we see a 108 year old Dr. Seuss cartwheeling in his grave [video not available].

"Remember us?  We're killing your fond childhood memories, and we've brought our orange friend." 
1: Thee is no way the movie is good.  It never even had a chance.  And though I have not and will not see it, my suspicions have been confirmed.

I was going to do a silly little rhyme here (an "I will not watch it on a boat, I will not watch it, no I won't!" sort of thing), but decided that just sucks.  Instead, I'll ask you to let us know your thoughts in the comments below!  (And don't forget to show us some FB love!)

10 comments:

  1. do not be so negative especially if u have not seen the movie.. 

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  2. do not hate on the lorax.. ur excuses were not valid only excuses come on now....

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  3. aww The Lorax is so awesome!!1 Dr. Seuss is amazzzzzing. Because of this way of negative thinbking your kids could really miss out on a lot.. try changing the way u r thinking to be more positive

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  4. would you ley your children watch? I am thinking not but why or why not?

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  5. Come on now. Ur blogs are usually so cool  what happened? dwell on things that you like.

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  6. THE LORAX KOOS COME ON...ITS GREAT..U R NOT BEING VALID ESPECIALLY CAUSE U HAVENT SEEN IT. IN ORDER TO JUDGE TAKE UR KIDS TO SEE IT FIRST. ITS COOL. THE BILLBOARDS ARE NICE DONT BE GRUMPY LOL

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  7. Did I just get hate-bombed by Lorax markerters?  No comments all day, then 6 within 6 minutes all saying more-or-less the same thing and all from commenters whose names I do not recognize and who do not have established profiles?  Could be coincidence, what do you guys think?

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  8. THE LORAX WAS AWESOME DON'T BE A HATER UR CRITIZING ON THE MOVIE U PROBABLY HAVEN'T EVEN READ THE BOOK

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  9. Yeah, probably not.  The post obviously shows a lack of knowledge about the Lorax.  ...Or, maybe you didn't stop to consider any of the points made above.  That's fine, and I am a hater, but try to counter with a real argument instead of third grade b.s.  Point out where I am wrong (except you won't because I'm not).  And learn to turn off caps lock--it doesn't do anything except make people not take you seriously.

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  10. Thank god someone else hates that god awful movie

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