Friday, April 20, 2012

Top 5 Things To Avoid When Taking the Train

Just about every day I take the train into Manhattan (where people are annoying, super-annoying, and where I tend to suck).  Most of us on the train are commuters, but we do see the occasional tourist.  For you tourists out there (or you clueless commuters), here are the things to avoid doing while waiting for or taking the train.

5: Do offer your seat to pregnant women, but be sure she is pregnant!  Having a beer belly does not entitle someone to your cushion.  A good way to determine if she is pregnant is to reach out and hold your hand on her belly--if you feel kicks, she's probably pregnant.  If not, she's just overweight and you've got some 'splainin to do.

4: Don't have your phone's ringer on.  If you do and it rings, don't ignore it and expect us to think it's the guy's next to you.  We know who the asshole is.

[At the train design meeting]
"They should give the illusion of being three seats, while only fitting two comfortably."
3: If you're in a three seater drinking a coffee, and here's someone else in the far seat, don't balance your coffee in the middle seat.  You don't know if the next curve or short stop will send it tumbling into your lap or this other guy's.  If his, he won't be very forgiving.

2: When you're on the platform and the train pulls up with a ton of people are crowding to get off, don't stand in front of the doors forcing everyone to depart single-file.  You'll get on faster if you get out of the way rather than sausaging your way in.

"We don't want your friendship."
1: Don't talk to your neighbor.  He is reading a book or newspaper, playing Words With Friends, or staring out the window to avoid talking to you.  This may be the only time this commuter has to himself all day--don't ruin it by deciding to become a train pal!  If you're bored, that's your own fault--go buy an iPhone or newspaper.

Quick Rodney Dangerfield joke for you--nothing to do with trains, it just popped into my head.  "I have no luck, are you kiddin'?  I went to a Chinese restaurant, opened my fortune cookie--inside was the guy next to me's check!"  [laughter]  "I said, 'Buddy, I got your check!'  He said, 'Thanks.'"  Love that one, but it's all in the delivery--Google it and find  a clip.  Anyway, that was today's rant about commuting.  Expect more whiny complaints about my commute in the future.  In the mean time, drop us a comment to let us know you're out there, or like us on Facebook by clicking this link or clicking "like" at the top right of this page.


  1. Love the caption on the train seat picture.
    And # 1 makes me this of this old Ellen Degeneres bit that cracks me up:

  2. I'm pretty sure you got some splainin to do even if she is pregnant...

  3. You mean that pregnant women don't like that?

  4. Awesome--she's one of the funniest ever:

  5. #1 - Perfect!

    Don't ever want strangers initiating conversations with me.  On the train.  On an airplane.  In the check out line.  I barely want to talk to people I know.  It's unbelievable when these people can't even take the politely offered cues of "we're done here" after you've given them the courteous two minutes of socialization they obviously receive only by force?!

    Seriously, Kooz, don't get me started.