Friday, May 4, 2012

Top 5 Reasons to be Happy You Don't Live in Detroit

Or if you do live in Detroit, Top 5 Reasons to Get the Hell Out of Detroit.  Simple enough.  And here's the five:

Can anyone explain to me how these guys became popular?
5: ICP - Perhaps the worst "rappers" of their generation, the Insane Clown Posse claims Detroit as their home (despite growing up in the burbs).  These guys dress up like clowns, badly, then rap about not understanding anything about how the world works.  They also have an avid fan base of Juggalos who also paint themselves like clowns and act like idiots, but on the wrong side of the law.  ICP's fairly recent announcement that they are devout evangelical Christians and that their band is essentially an outlet to allow them to preach to a wide audience went right over the heads of their Juggalos, since the answer to WWJD probably doesn't include arson, assault, theft, robbery, and larceny.

Umm...  Pass, thanks.
4: Sports Teams - Lions and Tigers and Pistons, oh my.  Detroit has a franchise in the big three U.S. sports leagues.  Their combined record over the last decade: 1,274 wins, 1,334 losses (and those wins are largely on the strength of the Pistons old old--in the past four seasons, the Pistons record is 121 - 191).  These teams don't exactly give you reason to stick around.

Detroit, 2016.
3: Dying City - Detroit's bread and butter has moved, and although there is some industry left in the city, it is destined to go the way of the great coal cities a couple of generations earlier (I'm looking at you, Pittsburgh). People are vacating Detroit in droves, leaving behind a used up husk, and let's be honest, nobody wants to live in the rind when the juicy pulp of Chicago is less than 5 hours away.

I invented the Model-T!
I also wrote a book called "The International Jew: The World's Foremost Problem. "
I am probably not a good role model.
2: Henry Ford - His legacy of everyone having a home and a personal car resulted in a ton of empty homes and piss poor public transportation when all the factories of the industry he helped create moved to the suburbs.

Because everyone wants to go to Chene.
1: Public Transportation - And speaking of piss poor public transportation, Detroit has two separate bus systems which do not coordinate with each other, resulting in bus wait time reaching multiple hours.  Worse, after a two hour wait, when the bus finally comes, it is often too crowded to take on passengers.  Worse still, one of the three member board who runs the now private DDOT said what Detroit needs are fewer buses.  The good news is that if you're handicapped the bus will probably have the wheelchair lift, as the bus systems recently lost a lawsuit in which they argued against making buses wheelchair accessible.

So yeah, if you live there, move.  If not, just don't visit.  Sorry Detroit people!  If you think I'm wrong, tell me in the comments below!  And as always, we love it when you share us and like us on Facebook.


  1. First of all nobody from Detroit claims ICP, and actually, except for the Pistons, our teams in the FOUR major sports are doing pretty well. The Red Wings have been in the playoffs for last 21 years straight including multiple Stanley Cups. The Lions have gone from 0-16 to the playoffs in 2 years and, even though they aren't playing great right now, the Tigers were deep in the playoffs last year and should do well this year too. Not to mention we have last year's Cy Young winner and league MVP in Justin Verlander. I'm not going to disagree that we don't have our problems, but the people here are proud and work hard to try and do as much as they can with what they have. The main reason that public transportation sucks in the city is because there is no money or personnel to run it. The city DOES need less buses running so they can afford to run. Try running a city with less than half the population and tax base that these programs were set up to run on

  2. I hear the real estate is quite reasonably priced.  

  3. Good stuff Kooz!  I would add "Kid Rock" to this list though.

  4. I hear you, this is all in fun.  Really, Detroit is facing a lot of the problems that similarly situated cities are facing (or have faced), and it wouldn't be surprising to see Detroit file for Chapter 15 protection at some point.  But yeah, I think it is probably fair to say that (1) most people think ICP are clowns, regardless of where from; (2) the Tigers have a solid team (now); and (3) the people of Detroit are proud and hard-working, and just find themselves in a shitty situation.  


    Only hockey fans include hockey as a major sport.  Or non-hockey fans in cities where there is a good hockey team.  :)