Monday, July 2, 2012

Top 5 Ways to Monetize the Rapture

Certain sects of Christians are "pre-tribulationists," which means they believe that at some point, chosen people will be assumed into heaven, and others will remain "left behind" on earth in misery for years until Jesus comes to judge people for a final time (also known as the rapture).  The market, like nature, abhors a vacuum, and (mostly) atheists sought to take advantage of pre-tribulationist belief by providing post-rapture services (for pre-rapture cash).

The question I have is what do the raptured need with clothing in Heaven?  Also, "what does God need with a starship?"

5: After the Rapture Pet Care - For $10, they guarantee that one of their unpaid, non-Christian volunteers will look after your pets should you be among the chosen few.  Hamsters too.

4: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA - $135 for a ten year guarantee that, should the rapture occur within ten years from your payment, an atheist staff member will take care of one bird or mammal (apparently, lizard owners are screwed).  Additional animals at the same location can be added for $20.  At its height, the company offered services in 27 states.  Recently, the website has indicated that the services is cancelled for a lack of clients.  Looking at #5, it appears they priced themselves out of the market (or it was all a hoax).

3: Post Rapture Pet Care - This one has the same services and fee structure as Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, but at lower prices: $50 for 10 years with additional pets costing $10 each.

2: The Post-Rapture Post - The atheists at this company will hand deliver a written letter after the rapture occurs.  The website asks: "do you know someone who is in danger of being left behind because of a sinful life?"  The idea is that the recently raptured can remain in the thoughts of one who didn't make the cut.  They offer three levels of service, from $4.99 to $799.99, or you can schedule a card to be sent, including such sentiments as "chin up" and "told you so"!

1: You've Been Left Behind - You draft emails to loved ones which are delivered after the rapture.  This is the only site on this list run by Christians, who use an ingenious (though misguided) system to ensure that the emails will be delivered should the Christians in the company get raptured (they have couples scattered around the country who must log in daily or the emails will be sent in a set period of time).  This gets the top spot for its name alone, but its $14.95 yearly price tag is too rich for my blood!

Okay, so the service areas are pretty limited, but you must admit that the basic idea is brilliant (if you don't buy into the rapture idea, obviously).  My offer: I'll take all your money and stuff--you won't be needing it!  You can have the peace of mind of knowing that you are saved and I will be eternally tormented.  Let's hear your thoughts below, and don't forget to like us on Facebook!


  1. "Apparently lizard owners are screwed." 

  2. Thanks for the listing of Eternal earth-Bound Pets.

    Yes, it was a poe, hoax, spoof, which was widely reported in Business Week, NPR, Religious News service and loads of other media outlets about three months ago.  It was  alot of fun while it lasted. 
    creator/owner EE-BP
    aka Dromedary Hump
    author: the Atheist Camel Chronicles;  The Atheist Camel Rants Again.

  3. Thanks for dropping in, Bart!  You should leave a link to where people can find your book!

  4.  Screw lizard owners !!! - Lizards are the debils work anyway ... No rapture  4 you.

  5. Thks, Kooz.

    My books:
    My blog.

  6. Inspired by this post, I'm considering a service, whereby I (painlessly) knock off all the loved ones left behind by the successfully raptured, so that they can ascend to heaven and join the party too. Price depends on method of disposal and - of course - length of commute. Investors welcome.

  7. PREPAREDfortheEndApril 1, 2015 at 12:36 PM

    Hey, who is going to take care of the Easter bunny?