Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Top 5 Pee Wee Herman Moments

Paul Reubens, best known for his Pee Wee Herman character, is a cultural icon.  Here are some of the reason why:

5: Pee Wee is watching his appearance in the movie based on his life, and he gets his big line: "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. P. W. Herman you have a telephone call."

4: Pee Wee got caught, peewee in hand in an adult theater.  For quite some time after, he was the butt of many a joke.  For a lesser man, it would have been a career killer.  Pee Wee appeared in front of a huge crowd on MTV; after the applause died down, he simply said: "Heard any good jokes lately?"

3: So this happens, then Pee Wee walks into a diner and says, "Large Marge sent me," and the place grinds to a halt.

2: Tequila!  (Check out the look on his face when he knocks over the bikes!)

1: Few remember that Paul Reubens was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie (few may remember there even was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie!).  He plays a vampire and he gets staked, leading to the best vampire death ever.

Here's a strong contender for worst Pee Wee moment.  Pee Wee, in advance of his Broadway show, made an appearance on WWE's Raw, where it was revealed that he is The Big Show's cousin, and where he feuds briefly with one of the lamest wrestling personalities--The Miz.  This is so poorly done, Pee Wee must be embarrassed--and he once got caught "mastering his domain" in a theater--that's some kind of embarassment!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Top 5 Worst "Wines"

Something triggered a memory from college of drinking really bad (and potent) "wine."  Two bucks bought you all the putrid fake-fruit-flavored-rubbing alcohol you could drink from the screw-top bottle.  Here are the best ones from what I can recall.

Because people clamor for liquor named after flowers.
5: Wild Irish Rose - The preferred choice for bums.

It will be a cold day in hell before a sommelier notes hints of watermelon.  
4: Boone's Farm - There is no way anything resembling a "farm" was involved in the production of the heinous concoction.

It looks like really bad booze.
3: Thunderbird - For the folks who can't afford Boone's...

Not the guy who did "The Thong Song."  (PCB 2000, woot!)
2: Cisco - When I was a kid they called this "liquid crack."  I'd imagine this is what crack actually tastes like if you mix it with purple "juice."

So many flavors--all gross.
1: MD 20/20 - Mad Dog!  Woof!  Woof!  But did you know that the name actually stands for the name of the company that produces the drink, "Mogen David" (phonetic Yiddish for "shield of David"), and the (former) size and potency of the beverage (20 ounces, 20 proof (or 10% alcohol)).

These are blackout-inducing, so I suspect there won't be many stories people have associated with them, but if you do have a story and would like to share, I'm sure we'll appreciate it!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sunday musings... Wrestlers.

I recently sent my friend Jamie this picture of the former WWE wrestler Raven, commenting that he looks homeless.
"Brutha, can you spare a dime?"
Jamie sent back this link, an article about Perry Saturn, a former WWE wrestler who used to be Raven's right-hand-man.
Raven, someone else, Saturn.
The article goes through Saturn's drug problems and eventual homelessness.  Oops.  I feel like a jerk now.

(Both Raven and Saturn are doing fine right now though--I did a little extra research to be sure.)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Top 5 Favorite Things My 2 Year Old Says

My two year old is the joy of my life--I love hearing him speak, and I love the little idiosyncrasies to his language.  Here are my favorite things that he says (right now).

5: "Upavator."  He hates 'em.

4: He says "bum" for "butt" - This may not seem like much to our British fans, but believe me, in the States, it's a coup.

3: He pronounces "robot" as "robit" (stressing the first syllable and swallowing the second) - he sounds like an old Jewish man.  It's awesome, and I'm responsible.

2: Every time he wakes up, he says, "Had a nice nap."  He says it even if we retrieve him after letting him cry for 20 minutes and he never falls asleep for his nap.  It's funny every time.

1: When I ask if he has a dirty diaper and he doesn't, he says, very seriously, "There's no poop in there."

Any of you have kids?  What are the funniest things they say?  Share below.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Top 5 Annoying Things About the 1:56 a.m. Train

On the late train after a long day at work...  Hate, hate, hate these things.

5: The worst train is running, and I feel every one of the thousands of bumps.

4: It's too late to read (because it will knock me out, and sleeping through my stop is disastrous), but that makes for a very boring trip.

3: There is always someone a seat or two away eating delicious-smelling Mickey-D's.  I am hungry.

2: My seat is broken and tilted forward, causing me to work to prevent myself from slipping down to the floor.  This gives me a massive wedgie.

1: This guy.  He's the loudest guy who's ever ridden the train.  He sounded, for the entire trip, like he was talking to his buddy in another car...

Can't wait to find my bed (and be awakened by a screaming, hungry baby about an hour later)...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Top 5 Worst Diseases Ever

Guest Blogger Eileene offers up today's top 5...

I hope I never get any of these. Here's why.

When I was a little kid, I had a sadistic little mind. Therefore I jumped at the opportunity to check out a book at the public library about the five worst pandemics ever to infect mankind. This did not serve me as well as I would have thought. Since then, I’ve been pretty paranoid about strange infectious diseases and have always thanked my lucky stars I didn’t have this disease or that one. I’m not talking about the strange things people are born with, but the diseases that we could catch! Here is a top five list of the diseases I hope I never get (and you should to). Let’s all be thankful we don’t have them.

Person dressed up like a bird.  Probably with a pocket full of posies too.
5: Whatever caused the Black Death. Did you know there is currently a lot of research that postulates the black death wasn’t actually caused by the bubonic plague but a different disease.  According to some new mathematical modeling techniques, it appears that the bubonic plague, while present in Europe at the time of the black death, was not nearly prevalent enough to have caused it.  However, did you know that in northern Europe there is a subset of the population that is immune to the HIV?  It’s because of mutations caused in their genes passed down the generations since the black death!  One thing is for certain though, whether or not it was bubonic plague that caused the black death, I hope I never ever catch what it was.

Yeah, it's not somewhere you want to go.
4: Leprosy.  Ever since I read about leprosy (now called Hansen’s disease) and getting sent off to leper colonies (Hansen’s Disease Communities) I’ve been uber grateful I do not have leprosy.  Watching Kingdom of Heaven didn’t help this phobia either because after seeing King Baldwin of Jerusalem’s face after he died from leprosy scarred me for life.  I still remember having an argument with my cousin when I was about 10 that God didn’t really give people leprosy to punish them because it was spread through the air (I learned this from my book).  She maintained that God indeed gave leprosy to people to punish them because it was in the Bible and if I was bad, I'd get it too...  She also believed God planted dinosaur fossils to test the true believer.  Needless to say, I got my distrust of authority attitude at a young age.  I’ll expand on this one on a later day, though.

Do you see what happens, Larry?
3: Polio.  Some people with polio ended up living in an iron lung.   That would be a very boring life.  Possibly worse than living in a bubble or having locked in syndrome.   You’re also always dependent on people and electricity to survive.  I try to never be dependent on anyone else, so being in an iron lung wouldn't match my personality.  Not in the slightest.  See the case of this poor woman who died when the electricity at her house failed, and the backup generator didn’t work either.  Her family also was too slow to use the hand pump for the iron lung so she died.   Read more here.

This monkey might give you Ebola.
2: Ebola.  You basically hemorrhage all of your organs and tissues that are supposed to be solid and in your body out of your orifices.  I hope I never get this.  Interesting tidbit: Some researchers believe the black death may have been caused by a similar disease to Ebola.  Read The Hot Zone for a great book about Ebola!

Word.
1: Zombie Apocalypse disease.  Let’s all hope we don’t get bitten and catch the Zombie infection when the ZA happens.  I'm pretty sure I'd survive, though.  I have a killer ZA survival plan ... and we all know it’s going to happen.

Let us know what your most feared disease is in the comments below, or simply drop a quick note to let Eileene know what you think!  Check out Eileen's blog, Happiness is Excellence, and as always, share with your friends on Facebook!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Top 5 Favorite License Plate Mottos

Every state has its own license plate motto or slogan (some have several).  Here are my favorites (with no overlap of the top 5 interesting state nicknames):

5: "The Iodine Products State" - South Carolina - We all need something to be proud of.

4: "Sounds Good to Me" - Tennessee - Nope; pass.

3: "Vacationland" - Maine - Yeah, not Florida.

2: "World Famous Potatoes" - Idaho - Pretty much lets you know where they're at.

1: "Live Free or Die" - New Hampshire - This sums it all up, doesn't it?  Our freedoms are the most important thing we have, and we must guard them jealously.

I don't know about you guys, but I love these.  So simple, but so funny.  If you could make up your own license plate slogan, what would it be?  

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Top 5 Worst Psychic Predictions for 2012

A lot of psychics made guesses predictions for 2012.  Here are my favorites (with link to where I found them).  Italics below are mine...  (Please read these--they are so worth it!)


5: LaMont Hamilton, World Psychic - "Jets, planes, and rockets will be found responsible for holes in the ozone layer and contributing to significant Global Warming."  Think he knows that the ozone hole and global warming are not the same thing?  "Illness seen around former U.S. Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger this year relating to a heart attack."  Is it that far-fetched that an 88 year old would have a heart attack?

4: India Daily - Here's a doozy from "researchers" as published in India Daily in 2005!  "The world is getting ready for something spectacular in 2012.  According to researchers, the Federation of the Universe representing all the 88 star constellations will officially visit earth in 2012 and reveal themselves.  It will bring an end to all UFO cover-ups in various countries."  Now that would be a hell of a thing.

3: Sylvia Browne, World Renowned Spiritual Teacher and Psychic - Here are some real winners by the liar from the old Montel Williams show: "President Obama will not get re-elected."  Wow, a 1 in 2 chance of being right.  High risk!  "Economy will pick up, the housing market will make a minor rebound."  So, at some point in the year, the "economy will pick up"?  And at some point there will be a minor rebound in the housing market--as in, this as a hit unless the housing market goes straight down every moment of every day for the entire year?  These predictions are helpful!  "East will become the west and west the east, meaning that the weather on both coasts will shift somewhat to mirror each other."  Gibberish.

2: Michel Hayek, Famous Lebanese Psychic - His predictions are less "predictions" and more "disjointed statements" that his followers will retrofit into "predictions" to fit any number of things that are likely to occur. Here are some examples, but click the link for the full list: "New spatial truths."  Huh?  "David Letterman is in danger."  Of...?  "A heavenly body seen from the Earth."  This is the most bizarre one.  A star, the sun, the moon, comets, meteors, planets--all are heavenly bodies seen from the Earth.  How is this a prediction of anything?  It isn't even a sentence!

1: Nikki - Psychic to the Stars - Oh Nikki, Nikki, Nikki.  She makes 186 predictions!  The old scattershot approach.  She claims credit for getting a few things right last year.  Wouldn't it be amazing if you could make 186 generalizations and none of them could be interpreted as fulfilled over the course of a year!?!  Anyhow, here are some of my favorites of hers: "Animals and birds, wild and domestic, will attack people leading up to the end of 2012."  Like they currently do all the time?  Got it.  I predict people will continue to breathe.  "Giant prehistoric Sea Monsters under the sea."  Will be found?  Will be shown to have never existed?  Will be mentioned by a psychic?  This isn't even a sentence.  "A possible landing of a space ship."  No, you are making the prediction--tell us, don't give us "possible."  "Breakthroughs in the cures for Leukemia and Chrones Disease."  Pretty sure she means "Crohn's."  "Earth will fall off its’ axis a little more."  Scientifically illiterate.  "A hole in the earth’s core."  Not a sentence.  She also predicts a bunch of terrorist attacks in a variety of places--covering as many bases as she could.  Oh, also, "Faith Hill and Trim McGraw to split."  Anyone know who is "Trim" McGraw?

We'll revisit at the end of the year and see how they did.  And don't forget to check out my predictions and add your own predictions in the comments!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Top 5 Nerd Credentials

I watch and played football and baseball, I was president of my fraternity, and I went to PCB for Spring Break a few times. I am, however, a double-agent. I lead a not-so-secret life as a nerd (as though any regular reader of the blog couldn't tell). Here are my top 5 nerd credentials... (Note, these are nerd, not geek, creds... Geek creds will come later.)

5: I've been to a Renaissance fair (and called it a "ren fair").

4: I watched anime when it was called "Japanimation."

3: I have seen every episode of Babylon 5, Star Trek, The Twilight Zone, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica (the original and reboot), Robotech (and Macross), and the current Doctor Who series, to name a few.

2: I still own action figures, and I keep them mint in box.

1: I played Dungeons & Dragons before the sets came with a game board and game pieces, and I mourned the passing of Gary Gygax.

Think you can top that?  Try it in the comments below.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Sunday musings... The New York Football Giants.

The Giants over San Francisco, 24-17.  I'll be watching with my sons!  Add your prediction below.

Oh, and why didn't this get any comments?  Did you see it?  These are pretty damn funny!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Top 5 Funniest Youtube Memes

These are my 5 favorite funny things on Youtube...

5: Star Wars Kid - This kid was a Youtube hit before Youtube existed--he was one of the first internet video memes.  Countless spoofs of this unfortunate kid were made, and websites devoted to them and him have come and gone.  Rumor has it this video ruined his teenage years--yeah, it was this video--nothing else.  Poor kid, but we all knew someone like him.

4: Macarron Chacarron - This guy is apparently a popular rapper, but for this song, he had them lay down a beat and he just mumbled gibberish, planning to swap in real words later.  The gibberish recording got out, and became an instant classic.  This guy became a laughing stock.  The song is now used as the track for other Youtube favorites like retarded running giraffe and retarded running horse.

3: Afro Ninja - Another classic.  After misfiring with a backflip, his ninja reflexes take over and he nun-chucks for a few seconds before crashing--it's the same effect as a chicken's body running around with its head chopped off.

2: Kitty is a Very Bad Mystic - There is no longer a video for this.  All links to it and hosted copies have been removed.  This was just hilarious.  I have no idea why the owner removed it, unless he was threatened by the cat whose privacy it violated, which is unlikely...  except, this cat could talk, so who knows...  Anyway, if anyone finds a working link, post it in the comments below.

1: Leprechaun - Oh.  My.  God.  Just watch it.

Tosh.o I ain't, but these make me laugh.  Hope you enjoyed them!  Please share the links to your favorite Youtube videos in the comments below!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Top 5 Foods You Eat and Cannot Hide

Guest Blogger Sooz offers up today's top 5...

There are certain foods which, if you eat them, will out themselves.  Here are the top five worst offenders:

5: Spinach - Haven't you ever watched tv shows or movies?  Any rom-com will prove that it is impossible to eat spinach without having a big piece plastered to your front tooth (provided your incredibly attractive ex and/or the boss you desperately hope to impress is within eyesight).

4: Poppy Seeds - They will get stuck in your teeth.  There's no avoiding it.  Why can't you just order a plain bagel?  Geez.

3: Zeppoles - I suggest wearing white if you even think you might encounter these delicious fried treats.  Otherwise, wear your powdered sugar-coated outfit as a badge of honor.  Strangers are bound to be jealous that you got to eat zeppoles and they did not.

2: Pasta Sauce - I suggest wearing any color but white if you want to indulge in Italian food.  You know you are going to spill sauce on your shirt no matter how hard you try not to.  Worried about the obvious clothing dilemma created by the previous item on this list?  No worries.  Dress in layers.  Duh.

1: Cheez Doodles - You can do the Lady Macbeth routine as much as you like, but those telltale orange fingers are going to give you away every time.

Any more to add?  Any horror stories?  Share them below, and share this post with your friends to help them avoid embarrassment!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Top 5 Reasons Star Wars is Better than Star Trek

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Star Wars was born.  Since then the debate has been over which is better--Star Wars vs. Star Trek...  Here are my arguments in favor of Star Wars.  Let the battle begin!

5:  E.T. was a senator in the Star Wars universe.

4:  Name anybody in Star Trek who looked cooler than Boba Fett.  You can't.


3: The dimly lit and busy Mos Eisley Cantina was worlds better than 10-Forward, which looks here like a game room.

 2: Prominent Star Wars aliens* included a gigantic slug who chained women up in slinky outfits, and a red and black spikey martial artist with a double-bladed lightsaber.  Prominent Star Trek aliens included a guy with pointy ears and a tight shirt, and shit-ton of guys with cranial malformations.

1: Lightsabers are never, ever set to "stun."

I made it through without a single Wesley Crusher joke!  Okay Trekkers (or as Roddenberry preferred,  Trekkies), let me have it in the comments below (and Star Wars fans, share this with your Facebook friends).  Soon to come, I'll run this the other way--reasons Star Trek is better than Star Wars...

*Yeah, technically everyone on Star Wars was an alien--galaxy far, far away and all that--but you know what I mean.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Top 5 Fake Creatures Some People Think Are Real

There are some creatures whose existence was known only through legends until recently, such as the giant squid.  Then there are others whose sole existence is a legend, though plenty of naive people believe in them.  This post is about the best of those imaginary creatures...

5: Melonheads - As a kid, there was a legend where I grew up (southwestern Connecticut) about creatures that prowled Dracula Drive called Melonheads (for their enormous "melon heads," duh).  They were said to be the result of centuries of inbreeding of a family accused of witchcraft in Colonial times and forced into the wilderness.  The Melonheads allegedly prey on humans who wandered into their territory.  In reality, Dracula Drive's name is Velvet Street, and you'd drive there on a date, tell the Melonhead story on the way, stop the car, turn out the lights, knock on your own window and pretend to be scared, and hopefully scare the pants off your date (literally).  It never worked, and never, ever, did actual Melonheads appear.

4: Rods - Some people believe that the bugs flying too close to a camera lens which are occasionally photographed and show up as blurry lines are actually creatures known as "rods," which are invisible (apart from these accidental photos) and absolutely unsubstantiated by science.     

3: Nessie - The Loch Ness Monster is thought by some to be a plesiosaur, surviving from the age of dinosaurs and living in Loch Ness in large enough numbers to have a sustainable population for millions of years.  Despite this, no good evidence in support has ever turned up.  The classic photo (above) was admitted by the hoaxer to be a plastic head glued to a toy submarine.  All other sighting are attributable to mundane, common causes as well.

2: Chupacabra - The "goatsucker" is a recent myth.  Chupacabras allegedly kill livestock and drink their blood.  They are huge in Cuba and Mexico.  Early descriptions were of a bipedal, spiny, alien-looking creature with sharp teeth and glowing red eyes.  Current descriptions are of creatures that look like coyote/dog hybrids with mange.  In reality the early descriptions were imaginary and the current descriptions are of mangy offspring of coyotes and dogs--imagine that.

1: Bigfoot - A/k/a Yeti, Abominable Snowman, and Sasquatch.  "I love the smell of Squatch in the morning."  This inane phrase was uttered by a moron.  That moron is making money from the most inappropriately named show on television--Finding Bigfoot.  It's inappropriately named because they don't and never will, find Bigfoot, as Bigfoot is not real.  The "creature" in the film above is a guy in a rubber suit.  Stop watching this show.  Please.

Some people are blind to the beauty of reality and need to ignore rational explanations of mundane occurrences in favor of extraordinary (and sometimes magical) make-believe answers.  Ever heard of any of these?  Come on Fairfield County, recount your Melon Head stories below...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Top 5 Favorite Kid Shows Growing Up

I've gone through other kid's shows, but these are what I grew up with in the late 70s, early 80s.  These were my favorites as a very young kid.

5: Romper Room - Seriously, all I remember about this show is that the host had a hand-held "magic mirror" which she gazed into at the end of each episode where she "saw" all the viewers and thanked them by name.  I always awaited my name (in vain, despite it being a very common name), which was enough to make me tune-in daily.

4: Mister Roger's Neighborhood - This was great because Fred Rogers was an amazing guy.  Not only that, but he always came in and left on his uncomfortable clothes but changed into more comfortable shoes.  He also had a toy train in his living room, and that's dope.

3: Sesame Street - The top 5 Sesame Street characters was covered earlier, but in addition to the characters, the way Sesame Street approached education is what made the show great.  It was all about teaching through examples you could find in the real world--ten apples in the bag at the supermarket or whatever.  To this day, I credit Sesame Street with my ability to count to 20 (and my deficiency at higher numbers).

2: 3-2-1 Contact - Still one of the best science/critical thinking shows ever produced, and it also included the Bloodhound Gang segment.  Simply amazing.

1: Reading Rainbow - LeVar Burton, pre-Geordi La Forge, told children to go to the library and read certain books, but he didn't make you take his word for it--he had other children sell you on what was great about the stories.  This show also had the coolest kids' theme-song of all time.

I'm about to commit a cardinal Kooz Top 5 sin.  Way back in my first post, I said that I wouldn't give more than 5 answers to the top 5--no ties, no tier 2, nothing "also considered."  But I need to give two shout-outs.  First, Captain Kangaroo deserves a mention--it wasn't my favorite show, but he's in the pantheon with Fred Rogers and Mr. Hooper.  Also on the same level is Mr. Wizard, whose various shows I caught only sporadically, but still had an impact on my life.  Anyway, share this post via Facebook and Twitter, and share your thoughts on these and other shows in the comments below!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Top 5 Annoying Things About My Dry Cleaner

My job requires me to wear cleaned and shirts pressed shirts.  After trial and many errors, I found a dry cleaner I am generally happy with, though they are far from perfect.  Here are the biggest pet peeves I have with them.

5: Cost.  They are expensive.  Dry cleaning and other services run me about $500/year!  That's a lot that could be spent on things that are a lot less frustrating!

4: Coupons.  They accept coupons, but only at drop off, not at pick-up when I'm actually paying (and therefore remember to bring coupons).

3: Lost Items.  They lost my pants.  Only one pair.  The pants are not at my house, and the only place I'd take them without wearing.them is my dry cleaner.  They returned the jacket to me, but not the pants.  They have no record of receiving the pants, and I can't prove I dropped them off, so I have no recourse.

2: Stains.  They are never able to do anything about ring around the collar.

1: Weird Record Keeping.  One time, they printed my name inside all my shirts.  Seriously--like a mom preparing her son's underwear for sleepaway camp.  Problem is, one of the shirts wasn't mine--I borrowed it in a pinch.  I had to buy a replacement, which sucked because it was a Brooks Brothers, and the one I borrowed didn't really fit me.

Yeah, I know there are a lot of serious things that I could be bitching about, but whatever.  My blog, my complaints.  Any dry cleaning horror stories?  Share them below!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Sunday musings... Tebow.

So Tebow's "miraculous" season comes to an end at the hands (and foot--he also had the longest punt of the game) of Tom Brady, whose 6 touchdowns were a record.  Meanwhile, Tebow got beaten up pretty badly.  My only thought--wouldn't it at least have been funny if the score was 66-6 after last week's parade of 316s?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Top 5 Favorite Non-English Songs

In college, I lived with a foreign exchange student from Spain named Breixo who introduced me to music I may never have otherwise been exposed to.  Two on this list he introduced me to, and the whole list is indirectly attributable to him because he opened my mind to all of this.  So anyway, thanks to Breixo, here are my top 5 favorite foreign-language (non-English) songs.

5: Viva La Mamma by Neri Per Caso (Italian) - Love, love, love the harmonies.  This is just a light, fun song which happens to have a very brief homage to Bohemian Rhapsody in the middle.

4: Via Con Me by Paolo Conte (Italian) - I love the emotion of this song; and I love when foreign songs use English in small bursts--it lets me connect to the song.  This is one from the Breixo mix.  I lost the mix he made me--if anyone knows Breixo, put him in touch with me!

3: Aguas de Marco by Antonio Carlos Jobim and Elis Regina (Portuguese) - There is a great moment at the end of the song when the duo is going back and forth and she starts laughing and singing, and her smile and happiness comes right through the recording and you can't help but be warmed by it.

2: Guantanamera by Julian Orbon and Jose Marti (Spanish) - This is a beautiful song with beautiful, poetic lyrics.  I like Seeger's version because he sings it so simply, that it sounds even more beautiful than when someone with an amazing voice sings it.  Plus, my 2 year old asks for this song by name, which is pretty cool.

1: Garota de Impanema (The Girl from Impanema) by Antonio Carlos Jobim (Portuguese) - This version, performed by Stan Getz and Joao Gilberto, is legendary and contains both the Portuguese and English lyrics.  I first heard this song (albeit the English version) after-hours in a martini bar in South Norwalk that the girl I was dating got us into because she used to date the owner.  I was talking to the bartender, who was snorting coke with some Brazilian with a machete, and this song came on.  I was moved, and they made fun of me because I'd never heard it before.  Whatever, at least I wasn't on coke.

So I know I have several readers from overseas.  Share links to some of the best non-English songs you know in the comments below!  And don't forget to share this post wit your friends.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Top 5 Reasons for Saving the Twinkie

Guest Blogger Christie offers up today's top 5...

Hostess Brands, Inc. has once again filed for bankruptcy, and it's time for us to save this all-American empire of cream filled goodness.  [UPDATE: It's the middle of the end (pending court approval)]  While it's the New Year and many have resolved to do the annual "let's try to lose weight" nonsense, the rest of us should face reality and realize our true goals--to show the world how snacking is our destiny, resolutions be damned!  Here are the top 5 reasons we should save the Twinkie (and its brethren):

5: Lunchboxes.  The only joy of bringing lunch to school as a kid was the dessert; if not for eating, then for trading.  Hostess goodies were valuable when I was a kid.  Either the yummy golden cake of the Twinkie or finding the foil-wrapped happiness of a Ding-Dong--whatever lay inside the confines of your lunchbox, it was certainly better than the lunch itself!

4: The Legends.  Everyone has heard the urban legend that Twinkies can last forever.  They have been rumored to have a shelf-life of up to 100 years and to be able to survive a nuclear apocalypse.  I had a friend who even tried to use them as packing material (not recommended, by the way).  In addition to these legends, there is the very real Twinkie Defense.  During the 1979 trial of former police officer Dan White, White's attorneys used what was later termed the "Twinkie Defense," claiming that a sugar rush made him murder San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk.

3: The Lack of Shame.  Let's face it, Twinkies can be fried; biting into a Ding Dong covers your teeth in chocolate from the first bite; and Woody on Cheers declared the snack cakes as "bite-sized" while stuffing them into his mouth whole.  Hostess snack cakes make the daintiest of eaters and the most careful of dieters lose themselves in the sugar-laden treats.  These road trip convenience store staples tempt those who forgot about these guilty pleasures on a day-to-day basis; just seeing them sitting next to the counter, one cannot help but grab onto a small piece of their childhood.

2: The All-American Principle.  Only in America would a snack item be considered not only a piece of history, but also as an ingredient in wedding cakes.  They have become such a piece of Americana that they are put into care packages for our troops.  They have also, of course, spawned such eBay collectibles for the obsessed as a variety of Twinkie the Kid items.  They even (indirectly) may have helped with the war effort--original Twinkies were made with banana filling, but due to a banana shortage in WWII the inside was changed to a vanilla flavored cream, which it remains to this day.

1: The Ghostbusters Connection.  I will let the clip speak for itself--this is the obvious number one: Ghostbusters Twinkie.

While eating anything Hostess ever produced (with the possible exception of Wonder Bread) could be considered a hazard to one's health, they do bring us back to a time when having a snack wasn't taboo and nobody spoke of childhood obesity, and when we could all take a minute or two to enjoy something gooey, delicious, and guilt free!

Like this post?  Share it on Facebook and Twitter.  Don't forget to let Christie know what you think by commenting below, and visit her website, What's on the Menu!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Top 5 Best Jobs for Elves

We're all familiar with elves--the little beings wearing green who have permeated our culture through fairy tales and Dungeons & Dragons.  Ever wonder what career paths elves have open to them?  I have.  Here are the best careers for elves:

5: House ElfBenefits: possibly live at Hogwarts; have tremendous magical powers; occasionally receive socks as gifts; if you are ugly, it's okay, as you are surrounded by other ugly elves.  Detriments: you are a slave.

4: DentistBenefits: fulfill lifelong dream.  Detriments: everyone, including Santa Claus, will hate you.

3: Toy Maker Benefits: no work on Christmas.  Detriments: work the other 364 days every year in frigid temperatures for eternity; learn to make an iPad or kids will think the fruits of your labor are crap.

2: CobblerBenefits: make shoes at night and have days free.  Detriments: live with a poor cobbler who takes full credit (and accepts and keeps full payments) for all your work.

1: Cookie MakerBenefits: live in a tree; free cookies in many delicious varieties.  Detriments: live your life in constant fear of squirrels, owls, and other nefarious elf-hating tree-dwellers.

If you were an elf, what would you do for a living?  Share below!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Top 5 Stupid Things People Actually Believe about the Government

Guest Blogger Eileene offers up today's top 5...

Everyone knows the government has secrets the rest of us can’t ever know, but some people go a little further in their distrust of the government.  There are a large number of people who think the establishment is controlled by all sorts of nefarious leaders (and creatures).  They obviously have more faith in the government than I do because I’m pretty sure our leaders are not nearly as cool or capable as these conspiracy theories assume.  If they were, I’d trust them a whole lot more myself.  Here are the 5 stupidest of these beliefs.   

5 - Fluoride.  That fluoride in your drinking water?  Well it’s not to make your teeth all nice and pretty for your lover.  It’s really the government’s way to enslave the population.  There is a conspiracy theory that Flouride in the public water systems is used as mind control, or population control, or to make us all slaves to the man.  Some believe it makes citizens more likely to be subjugated, develop schizophrenia, or to become ill.  Read more about it here

4 - Government mind-control.  Not only are they poisoning our water, but a lot of people believe the government controls our minds through subliminal messages in the TV.  I’m almost certain this is not true because I’ve tried using subliminal messages to get better at life and they don't work; I totally wasted my $1.99 on iTunes!  This conspiracy theory also assumes the government is a lot cooler than it actually is and that the population is a lot harder to control than it actually is.  In reality, you can pretty much convince the masses to believe anything without subliminal messages or poisoned water. Read more about it here

3 - Aliens and nukes.  The government’s nuclear weapons sites are being visited by UFOs.  These UFOs are disarming the weapons by causing the systems to be lose contact with control and the UFOs also cut the power to the weapons.  I can’t really explain this better than the UK Daily Mail can, so read more of this nonsense here.

2 - New World Order.  There is a New World Order of super elite people operating as a shadow government who are the evil masterminds behind every world war and major event, and who control the media and the entertainment industries.  Lady Gaga is their minion.  They also caused the recession because they control the economy.  They hang out at places like “Bohemian Grove” in California and participate in orgies and occult rituals, then they go something called the Bildeberg Hotel in the Netherlands where they plot more ways to take over the world.  They are also behind the aforementioned water fluoridation so they can more easily take over the world… Subject yourself to more craziness here

1 - Reptoids.  Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who actually think the following is true.  There is a secret race of reptiles controlling the world.  Yep, that’s right.  People actually believe some lizards came down from space eons ago and now control the human population.  They also shape-shift.  That New World Order I just told you about?  Obviously they’re all lizard people.  You think that nice man in the Oval Office is a human?  Nope, at night he shape-shifts into a lizard.  You think Prince William and Kate Middleton are sweet newlywed couple?  You’re wrong, they are Lizards.  Check it out here and here.
  
In the interest of full-disclosure though, here is a Cracked.com list of  seven conspiracy theories that actually did turn out to be true, so you never know...

Share your favorite consipiracy theory (or defend the "thruth" of one of these) below, and don't forget to share with your friends on Facebook and Twitter, and visit Eileene's blog: Happiness is Excellence.


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Top 5 Words for "Cool" That Deserve a Comeback

Ever since jazz great Lester "The President" Young coined the word "cool" to mean something good, people have been coming up with other words and phrases to mean the same.  Here are the top 5 of those words which have come and gone, but deserve a comeback!  The vids are the best I could find of people using these words...  Some are pretty bizarre.  (I get a kick out of these folks doubling their views out of the blue too, so that's cool, err, radical!)

5: Def - There was one brief, glorious moment where everything was def.  Poetry jams, comedy, even rappers (of whom, the most def was Mos Def, obviously).  Then in an instant, it was gone, supplanted by fresh, and phat, and others.  But we remember you, def, and we miss you...  (Couldn't find a vid of this one--can you believe it?  Will Smith said "def" about 8 million times during the run of The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire, but I can't find a single one.)

4: Phat - You knew the time for this word to fall into disuse had come when people started saying, "that's phat with a 'p-h.'"  They literally clarified their statement so people wouldn't think they meant the new song or movie or pizza shop or whatever was being referred to was overweight.  So sad.  Well, we still have Baby Phat, right?  Time to bring it back, sans spelling lesson.


3: Excellent - From Bill and Ted to Wayne and Garth to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles--there was a time in the 90s where this was the word to use for all positive happenings.  This needs to be used sparingly, but needs to be used nonetheless.

2: Rad - It's 80s surfer slang, and while it's still occasionally used on the west coast of the U.S., it needs to be brought back into full circulation.  Say the word "radical" in its entirety if something's really, really cool.

1: Dope - It started as street slang, but quickly went mainstream. It had staying power too--"dope" kept in the vernacular while countless others entered and passed from common usage.  What's best is that we really can bring this one back.  Say it: "Dope."  Now say something is dope--look around your room, find an object, and say that object is dope: "That Halloween jack-o-lantern that I still haven't put away is dope."  Now say it with authority about something abstract, and maybe add a curse word: "Damn that shit is dope!" Now you've got it.  Let's bring it back.

Noticeably absent from the list is "tubular."  Don't.  Just don't.  If you have any rad comments about words that mean "cool," share them below.  And share this with your friends on Facebook--they'll think you're dope!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Top 5 Worst Things About Staying in the Hospital

Guest Blogger Sooz offers up today's top 5...

I recently went through the top 5 good things about being in the hospital.  But let's be real--nobody really enjoys the hospital.  Here are the top 5 worst things about staying in the hospital.

5: Different doctors and nurses each shift.  While it is a fun game to guess who the latest person examining you is, it would be nice if each one didn't offer advice that directly conflicts with the last person's suggestions.

4: The visitors policy.  The hospital may have official visiting hours, but no worries, they won't expect anyone to adhere to them.  And the staff won't want to bother you to let you know someone has arrived; they'll just send them to your room unannounced so you assume it's just another hospital employee barging in on you.  Best to stay in bed at all times so no one is exposed to the open back of your fancy gown.

3: Overnight guests.  The hospital offers an uncomfortable pull out "bed" that converts from a surprisingly uncomfortable chair.  Perhaps this is just a good way for the hospital to drum up business for their orthopedic department.

2: The temperature.  While it is nice that each room has its own thermostat for you to control, it would be better if the buttons actually did something.  I imagine they aren't actually hooked up to anything, much like the door close button in an elevator or the morphine drip button you control yourself.

1: The lack of relaxation. You might think you have plenty of time for resting and recovering, but someone will be in to see you approximately every 6 minutes.  Doctors, nurses, flabotomists, administrators, the person who delivers your food, then comes back for the tray, and then comes back for your menu for the next day.  If you want sleep, you should consider home surgery.

Share your lousy hospital stay experiences below, and share this post with you friends on Facebook or Twitter!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Sunday musings... Are you funny?

You may notice, for the first time since we started there was no top 5 list yesterday.  This is because I am tending to a newborn baby.  If you answered "yes" to the question in the title, you may be perfectly suited to write for the Kooz Top 5 and help us avoid a second missed day.  We are always looking for guest bloggers on any topic...  Email or comment below if interested!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Top 5 Good Things About Staying in the Hospital

Guest Blogger Sooz offers up today's top 5...

After a recent hospital stay, the following things occur to me:

5: No thinking necessary. Someone will tell you when to eat, bring you medicine and watch over you while you take it. You will also be told when to go to the bathroom, and any other little thing you might accidentally forget during your stay.

4: The food. No, really. They offer a surprising amount of options, and they aren't too shabby. If your hospital offers a Nourishment Room, check it out. There could be Haagen-Dazs in there along with the apple juice.

3: Free parking. How often can you get free parking nowadays? I even have to pay for the privilege of shopping at Target. But parking at the hospital is free. They even offer valet service at the Emergency Room entrance. Seriously.

2: No pesky walking on your own manpower. You will likely be brought both into and out of the hospital via wheelchair whether you need it or not. And the person pushing you will probably be a 90-year-old volunteer who should switch spots with you, so it's an uncomfortably long ride to get where you are going.

1: The clothes. Don't worry about getting all fancied up for your stay, you will be provided with some fabulous duds. If you are lucky, sexy mesh underwear will be thrown in with the adorably hard to close backless gowns and rubber-soled socks. Don't knock 'em 'til you try 'em!

Upon rereading this list, it occurs to me there is a slight chance that these things may vary based on the hospital you go to. I suggest going to a good one! Please share your best hospital experiences in the comments below, or take a stab at guessing the topic my next guest blogger column (blood-drawing pun intended).

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Top 5 Dumbest Quotes from Republican 2012 Presidential Candidates

This blog is non-partisan. Where appropriate, we will make fun of any major, minor, or third party in any country. As you know, the U.S. will be choosing a President soon. Unfortunately for you Republican readers, the GOP has provided a field of candidates who can't seem to keep their feet out of their mouths. It's an embarrassment of riches for late night talk show hosts. I'll have my swipe here. These are actual quotes from people who intend to lead the United States for 4 years.

5: Rick Perry, Governor of Texas - "I will tell you; it's three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education, and the... What's the third one there? Let's see... Okay. So Commerce, Education! And the... I can't. The third one, I can't. Sorry. Oops." (Forgetting, during a debate, that he would cut the Department of Energy.  This isn't fair--he just forgot something, but he's such a bad debater, and this was huge--it probably cost him a legitimate chance of securing the nomination.)

4: Herman Cain, Pizza Magnate - "I'm ready for the 'gotcha' questions, and they're already starting to come. And when they ask me 'who is the President of Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-Stan-Stan,' I'm going to say, 'you know, I don't know. Do you know?'" (Blissfully proud of his ignorance in foreign affairs, because it's probably not important for the leader of the free world to know anything about Uzbekistan.)

3: Michele Bachmann, Congresswoman from Minnesota - "Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa.  That's the kind of spirit I have too."  (John Wayne, legendary actor and tough guy, was from Winterset, Iowa.  Okay, not too far off...  Oh wait, John Wayne Gacy, notorious murderer of 33 people, lived in and committed atrocities in Waterloo.  D'oh!)

2: Newt Gingrich, Former Speaker of the House of Representatives - "I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [my grandchildren are] my age, they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."  (Methinks Newt has no understanding of the following definitions: "secular," "atheist," "dominated," and "radical Islamists."  If he did, he'd understand that his points are mutually exclusive and his statement is nonsensical.

1: Bachmann is fun, let's have another from her - "But we also know that the very founders that wrote these documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ...I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly--men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country."  (So much wrong here (aside from the grammar)--many of the Founding Fathers were slaveholders; provisions to abolish slavery were left out of the Constitution; the Constitution indicates that a slave is counted as 3/5 of a person for calculating population; John Quincy Adams was not a Founding Father (his dad, John Adams, was); John Quincy Adams did not see slavery abolished in his lifetime.  Look, you don't have to know all this generally, but if you're running for President, you should at least run these by someone who does before you say them.)

As of this writing, Perry's campaign is on hold, and Bachmann and Cain have dropped out of the running.  Newt is still in, but is probably going to run interference for the generally-hateful-toward-people-of-different-viewpoints Rick Santorum.  Unfortunately, pro-reality Republican Jon Huntsman is polling at about 1%.  Oh well, I guess the GOP is really looking at starting with a clean slate and a legitimate field in 2016...

Okay conservatives, burn me in effigy (figuratively) below.  Dems, you'll get yours--all in due time.  Mwah-ha-ha!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Top 5 Things I'll Miss Now That I Have 2 Kids

A beautiful, healthy baby boy just joined me, my wife, and our 2 year old son.  I live for my family, and they make me happier than anything in the world.  But that isn't to say family life is always a bed of roses.  At the risk of getting nasty looks from my beloved bride, here are the top 5 things I miss most now that I have 2 sons.

5: T.V. - We bring the baby home today, which means he'll sleep in a bassinet in our room, which means we'll need to keep quiet, which means I won't be able to watch t.v. at night.

4: The Internet - I like to skate the world wide webs when I am up at night.  I will be up at night a lot with the baby.  I will not have free hands to navigate a mouse and keyboard.  I will be awake, inches from the internet, but with my hands full of bottles and diapers.

3: Free Time - Our toddler finally got to a schedule where he sleeps at a specific time and stays down through the night.  While he's awake, he's a handful.  When he's asleep, my wife and I can relax, have dinner, watch t.v., read books, and do whatever else we feel like.  New baby needs to be fed every 2 hours, and needs to be attended to between feedings.  I'll miss you, leisure activities!

2: Sleep - Sleep will, at best, come in hour-and-a-half spurts, as we awaken to feed the new baby every 2 hours.  This means we wi-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...  Huh?  Sorry; fell asleep.

1: My Wife - The tolls of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing, combined with the lack of sleep and free time will mean it will be a while before my wife and I get to spend some quality alone-time together.  I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

I will miss all these things, but I'm happy to give them up forever for the light my boys shine into my life every day!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Top 5 Kooz Predictions for 2012

Every psychic out there makes predictions for the new year, but they all have a few things in common.  They make a ton of predictions, so the odds are in their favor.  The predictions are also either so vague as to make them applicable to many circumstances, or they play the odds (in predicting celebrity deaths, Amy Winehouse was a safer bet than, say, Heath Ledger the year before).  Here are my "psychic" guesses.

5: A major earthquake will cause damage to a heavily populated area.

4: McDonald's will suffer a major setback and will issue a public statement.

3: Betty White will suffer major health problems.

2: Facebook will issue an update which will cause users to petition against the change.

1: An unexpected politician will rise to prominence in the GOP, but will fall because of a sex scandal.  

Make your predictions below--at the end of the year we'll revisit and see how we did!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Top 5 Realistic New Year's Resolutions

Here are my resolutions for the new year, along with how I expect them to go.  I resolve to:

5: Visit Family and Friends - Respond "yes" to every Evite; skip the New Year's brunch I'm invited to because I'm hung over.  Decide that since I've already blown this one, I'll focus on the other four.

4: Start Exercising - Sign up for a gym membership.  Go twice, then sign up for a spin class that I skip.  Constantly find excuses to avoid going to the gym.  By June, start looking into what the penalty is for canceling my gym membership early.

3: Quit Drinking - Let's see, I started drinking on New year's Eve, but kept drinking past midnight.  Busted... Next?

2: Eat Healthy - ("Healthily"?  I dunno.)  Eat yogurt for breakfast, almonds for a snack, salad for lunch, and fish for dinner; crash and eat a tub of ice cream in front of the t.v. at 11:30; go to bed wallowing in self-loathing and contempt, feeling like the fat pig I am and always will be.  Keep this up until January 3rd, then lose all pretense of eating right.

1: Save Money - Only spend money on things that I need to.  Waste money on a gym membership, booze, ice cream.  Resolve to make better resolutions next year.

Share your resolutions below!  (Or tell us how quickly you broke them!)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Sunday musings... New Year's Rockin' Eve.

Anyone want to explain to me who these acts are, why they warrant watching, and why nobody I've ever heard of is performing except for Lady Gaga?  Not just New Year's Rockin' Eve, but Anderson Cooper's thing, and all the other shows I've seen.  Pit Bull, are you serious?  Enough.