Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Top 5 Best Sweet Breakfast Cereals

We've discussed the best non-sweet cereals, but for these, the commercials excited us, the sugar hooked us, and we've never looked back.  Although by my count there are almost a dozen terrific sweet cereals, the list had to get pared down to five.  And the five best sweet cereals are...

5: Honey-Comb (Post) - There is a point at which Honey-Combs have soaked in just enough milk to make them have a burst of sweet-milky flavor while remaining slightly crispy.  You can easily down a couple bowls of this without even realizing it.

4: Lucky Charms (General Mills) - This sweet and crunchy cereal is very good on its own, but the marshmallows shaped like various lucky charms (hey!) make this cereal truly unforgettable.  A quick word on cereal marshmallows: they taste like freeze-dried "astronaut ice cream" which(as every kid on a field trip to the planetarium knows) is awesome!

3: Cinnamon Toast Crunch (General Mills) - These do not taste like cinnamon toast.  They taste a little like "Life" with a ton of cinnamon sugar thrown on top.  Whatever, they're amazing.  FYI, there used to be three guys on the packaging, then one day there was only one (the guy who's left is Chef Wendell, the other two were officially not named, but are sometimes called Bob and Quello).  Authorities suspect foul play, but the statute of limitations is almost up, and this mystery may go unsolved.

2: Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries (Quaker Oats) - Ah, the cereal that tears up the roof of your mouth, but it worth every cut and rip.  Cap'n Crunch is a great cereal--a hall of fame cereal--but when you add Crunch Berries, it moves into Ruth/Cobb territory.  There is nothing quite like this cereal, and nobody has yet been able to pinpoint exactly what that flavor is, but it's amazing.

1: Count Chocula (General Mills) - The total package--it has chocolate pieces, chocolate marshmallows, turns your milk into chocolate milk, and its spokesperson is a vampire.  Unfortunately, it is now, apparently,  seasonal.  Stock up while you can!

Sorry fruit fans, but the best fruity cereal (probably Fruity Pebbles, assuming you know a Crunch Berry isn't an actual thing) ranks no higher than 6th (though it is delish).  Also, props to General Mills for having three of the top 5 (a big part of why it's the best cereal company)!  I'd love to see some debate about this one, so please share your thoughts in the comments below.  Stand up for your favorite cereal!!!  And "like" our new Facebook page!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Top 5 Coolest Sound Effects

The 2012 Oscars are behind us, and we here at KT5 think there are some people who routinely get overlooked--the sound guys.  Sure, the Oscars ceremony had sound issues of its own, but that's all the more reason to give props to the sound guys who get it right!  And extra special props to those who appropriately utilize these, the top five sound effects:

5: Cat Screech - If you watch a lot of movies--and you know you do--you'll recognize this cat's screech.  This sound effect has been around for decades, and usually crops up when someone tosses something off-screen.  Typically, there is no cat in the scene and no reason for a cat to be in the scene.

4: Red-Tailed Hawk Screech - Every Eagle, Hawk, and other bird of prey you see is the same Red-Tailed Hawk.


3: The TARDIS - The iconic sound of the take-off and landing of the Time And Relative Dimension In Space police box that the Doctor and his Companion(s) travel in has an interesting history (detailed here).  If you don't know this sound effect, you should.  (Or you should be happy you're less of a geek than our typical readers.)

2: Breaking Celery - When you see Chuck Norris break someone's arm, or watch [action star] snap someone's neck [catchphrase!], that sick *crunch* you hear is probably celery.  Normally mild-mannered, celery gets crazed when angered...

1: Wilhelm Scream - You may never have heard of it, but you've certainly heard it, in these scenes and countless others:

So, do these sound familiar to you?  Are there other you think are more iconic, funnier, cooler, or more popular?  If so, tell us about it in the comments below, and please share this post on Facebook and "like" our page!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Top 5 Oscars Fails of 2012

The Oscars--the time of the year when industry professionals pat each other on the back, and we watch so on Monday we can disagree with the Academy's decisions, discuss how bad people looked, and bitch about how stupid the Oscars ceremony is.  Lucky you, you don't have to sit through this--we'll do it for you and sum it up in one nice, neat package.  In the spirit of the night (or maybe the complete opposite of that), here are the biggest fails of the evening.

5: Cirque Du Soleil - I'm going to quote the very funny Karen Melillo here: "Nothing says 'tribute to excellence in movies' like an entirely different art form: cirque du soleil.  This is so confusing."  Yeah, they were good at doing artistic acrobatic stuff, but huh?  Next year, juggling and card tricks.

"What up, 1986?"
4: Brad Pitt's Hair - Gross.  Party in the back, but really, who's going?

3: Popcorn - Somewhere around 10:30 p.m., a bunch of cigarette-selling-girls from temperance-age casinos came down the aisles and handed out what looked like MTV Movie Awards to the nominees.  At least, I think that's what they were.  I guess you get a lesser award for being nominated for an Academy Award?  I don't know, the whole thing was kind of bizarre.

2: Actors on Movies Montage - There were a bunch of interludes with clips of actors talking about the movies.  They started with Ben Stiller being serious and getting deep and philosophical about how weird it is that we watch this screen and blah, blah, blah.  Listen guys, it isn't "deep" and there's nothing existential about it, it's the movies.  Just accept your lives for what they are--you're rich and you're giving each other gold statues; isn't it okay that you're also simply entertaining people?  Do you really need to tell yourself you're doing something deeper?  Let it go.

"May I show you to your seat?"
"My face isn't the only place I've had work done.  I added about this much..."
1: Billy Crystal - He's not necessarily number one for his performance (although his jokes mostly fell flat, and his song was pretty weak), but rather, for his look.  He wore an ugly (but no doubt, "stylish" in the way things on Project Runway are) tux that made him look lik a waiter.  Also, whatever he's done to his face makes him look sick--seriously folks, stop getting work done--it's okay to get old.

One last, special shout out to the crappy sound guy who made listening to the speeches really, really annoying.  I was up way too late to get this written.  To quote Karen again, "Oh, to live in L.A. where all the important stuff is over by 9 p.m."  So, what did you think of the Oscars?  What were the lowlights that you noticed?  Please share your thoughts in the comments below and don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Sunday musings... Our logo.

Alright folks, here's the deal...  For the site redesign, I would like to get a decent logo.  Here's what I've been using:
A

Here's what I just switched to:
B

Here are other options:
C

D

Please comment below on which of these (A, B, C, or D) you'd like to see going forward.  OR, even better, if you're a graphic artist (who likes to work for free) or a just plain artsy person (who likes to work for free), please email us!

And don't forget our Facebook page--we'd like to break the 50 follower ceiling in the next few days and work toward triple digits, so if you haven't yet, please go here and "like" us, and encourage your friends to do the same!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Top 5 McDonald's Secret Menu Items

McDonald's (obviously among the best fast food restaurants) has a secret menu.  I SAID--McDONALD'S HAS A SECRET MENU!!!  Shout it from the rooftops.  No longer are we saddled with a meager 106 menu options (seriously--count them up).

This could be good.
5: McKinley Mac - This is a Big Mac, but instead of regular burgers, quarter-pounders fill the bun.  Apparently, it's on the menu in Alaska, but legend has it that it can be ordered at any location (and why not--it isn't like they don't have the ingredients).  Photo isn't mine--check out Ranker's list on the same topic.

This will kill you.
4: Monster Mac - An eight-patty Big Mac.  This sandwich is the stuff of legend (in that it may not really exist, and I'd bet you'd have a hard time finding a McDonald's to make one).  This is the only photo I could find, and it's all over the place (I got it from KevinMD).  It further supports my myth hypothesis.

3: Cheese Delight - No photos anywhere!  But this is the only one on the list that I've ever ordered.  A dozen years ago, a friend told me about the secret menu and hooked me on the idea with the Cheese Delight--hamburger buns turned upside-down, pressed flat, and grilled with two slices of cheese in between.   And, no--the check-out person had no idea what I was talking about, called the manager over, the manager was clueless, and I left with a Big Mac.

The Arabic translates to: "Tastes like chicken!"  
2: Big MacChicken - Judging by the Arabic writing, this may be available in Arab-speaking countries.  All I know is that I've never seen it on a U.S. menu.  It's simply a Big Mac with chicken instead of beef patties.  A "healthy" alternative to the Big Mac?  Yeah, not so much; but still...

At a strategy meeting that never happened: "The double cheeseburger is great, but we get a lot of complaints, mainly that the beef isn't chicken!  So here's the plan..."
1: McGangBang - I've heard of two variants: one, a double cheeseburger with a chicken patty slipped between the beef patties; the other, a double cheeseburger with a whole chicken sandwich slipped between the beef patties.  I'd like to think it's the former (since the latter is something any schmuck can make on his own).  Either way, it gets the number 1 spot because it might be brilliant.  Go ahead, try ordering one.  With your kids.  Then explain.  Then tell us how it went.  (There are tons of pics of this one; I pulled mine from here.)

I would love to hear from anybody with experience in this area--did you work at a McDonald's and know of the secret menu?  Did you ever order from the secret menu?  Are there other secret menu items that should bump one of these from the list?  Please comment below, and don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and "share" the hell out of this post!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Top 5 Walker, Texas Ranger Moments

Guest Blogger Sooz offers up today's top 5...

The other day I happened to catch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. More specifically, I caught about the first 10 minutes of this episode, titled El Coyote, before my husband claimed he couldn't watch another second.  That didn't stop me from finding 5 fantastic things about this show.  In fact I am so certain that I've found the top 5 things about the show that I don't ever feel the need to see the show again.  Without further ado, here you go.

5: Walker, Texas Ranger, can find and rescue you based solely on the description that you are "in the middle of the city, near a fountain," even after you have run from that spot to a deserted loading dock blocks away.   Texas Ranger training is very, very good.

4: The above precise location description was given by an exploited Mexican alien I'll refer to as Sue-Sue.   After Sue-Sue runs away from a pimp and the John that rips her dress at her "first" forced hooking job, she loses her shoes and makes her way to a pay phone.  She then calls her sister-in-law for help.  Fortuitously, the sister-in-law just so happens to be Walker, Texas Ranger's waitress, and she answers the phone with a hearty "you're in America!"  It might seem odd that this woman has the phone number to the restaurant her husband's sister works at, but she clears that up first thing in this desperate call for help by saying that her husband gave her the number before they left Mexico.  And obviously she memorized it.  The phone number to her husband's sister's place of work.  Unbelievable, right?  I mean who uses a pay phone?

3: The blue screen really brings out Chuck's eyes, don't you think?

2: Chuck Norris sing-talks the theme song.  Really.  Give it a listen.  Also, one of the lyrics is "when you're in Texas look behind you, because that's where the ranger's gonna be."  Shudder.

1: Walker, Texas Ranger, wears a snazzy sweater-jacket.  Now if anyone can rock a sweater-jacket, it's this chick, but that doesn't stop Chuck Norris from giving it a go.  Maybe he even knitted it himself.  I just wish I had a screen shot for you, but you will have to use your imagination.

I know this show isn't currently running (right?), but I think it's pretty clear that Chuck Norris was doing everything he possibly could to get someone to try to kick his ass.  Once those Chuck Norris "facts" came to light he probably had a hell of a time finding any opponents, worthy or not.

Are you a fan of this show who can identify some better moments?  Think I should watch another ten minutes some time?  Please let me know in the comments below.  And don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and share this post with your friends!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Top 5 Favorite 80s After School Cartoons

The late-80s was a golden age for after-school television, and I was lucky to be a tween during its peak!  Here are the shows that left an indelible imprint on my early-adolescent brain:

5: G. I. Joe - This show had a few things going for it.  Specifically, the moral at the end of every episode ("knowing is half the battle"), and better, the bad-ass Cobra Commander/Serpentor story arc.  However, it also featured soldiers so inept that they couldn't fire a gun accurately if their lives depended on it, which they didn't since the writers ensured that nobody ever died in this many-years-long war.  It was a great show though, and fun to watch.

4: Thundercats - What can I say about this show, other than it was awesome and I'm not sure why.  I remember that the series had resolution in the end, and that at least two seasons had finales.  I also know that Peter Newman voiced several characters (he's currently Nikolai Jakov in Archer).  Ultimately, I think I liked it because of all the sword shows (think He-Man's "by the power of Greyskull" or Voltron's "form blazing sword"), Lion-O's Sword of Omens was my favorite--it just looked cooler...

3: The Real Ghostbusters - The 1984 movie Ghostbusters was a cultural event--everyone saw this film, and just about everyone loved it.  So naturally, a cartoon based on the movie was developed.  Unfortunately, the rights to the name were controlled by Filmation, which created the instantly-forgettable Ghostbusters cartoon.  The ghostbusters from the movie did get their own show, trumping the Filmation bastards with the title The Real Ghostbusters.  How good was this show?  Early on, it was largely written and edited  by J. Michael Straczynski (writer of almost every episode of Babylon 5, and a ton of Spider-Man and other comics) and had Arsenio Hall, Lorenzo Music, and Maurice LaMarche in voice roles.

2: Duck Tales - Let me just say "shut up" to all the macho assholes who won't admit how brilliant this show was.  Multi-episode story arcs, continuity, re-tellings of Shakespeare and other references to literature, history, and ancient myth--this show was everything we've come to expect in good "adult" shows now, and this was a cartoon for kids over 20 years ago!  Plus, who didn't want to swim through a pool of coins the way old Scrooge McDuck did!

1: Robotech - This was the first show I ever saw in which a main character died.  I will never forget seeing Roy Focker (sometimes spelled Fokker) get shot-up in his Veritech Fighter, yet still land, only to die in his girlfriend's apartment after losing too much blood, and well after you thought he'd be okay.  Robotech was amazing for other reasons--its multi-generational story narrative, its well-woven and pieced-together tapestry of three separate Japanese shows, its true depiction of all-too-human emotions in times of war--but for me, it was that death, and the ones that followed that made me cry--alone in my grandparents' house--and changed 11-year-old me forever.

Okay, so there are some shows that are obviously missing (Transformers comes to mind right away), but these five made more of a mar in my dumb brain.  Bitch about it below, trolls...  Or just tell us what your favorite after school show was and why!  And don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and share this post with your friends!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Top 5 Most Bad-Ass Guys Ever

Guest Blogger Eileene offers up today's top 5...

I like badasses.  People who don’t give a f*ck and do cool stuff without pretense or expectation.  They don’t follow a formula, they usually just go with their gut and do whatever their situation requires.  That’s what a badass is.  I’m not putting actors on this list, like Steve McQueen, because I don’t think they’re real badasses.  They just pretend to be.  [Ed. Note: even Clint Eastwood?]  The following five people are ones who I think were actually the most badass ever.

Yeah, I'm pretty cool.
5: Charles Lindbergh. I learned about how badass he was from Pawn Stars.  Before watching Pawn Stars, I thought Charles Lindbergh was just a run of the mill pilot who flew his little plane across the ocean.  However, Rick Harrison on Pawn Stars said that he was only able to do what many others had tried before…but they died in the process.  He was the Pilot who Lived.  Charles Lindbergh said, “I don’t give a f*ck, I’m gonna fly that plane!”  Even though he named his plane the “spirit of St. Louis” which sounds kind of lame, I guess he was pretty cool.  Cheers to Mr. Lindbergh.

More f*cking weight.
4: Giles Corey. So the puritans (or whoever it was who killed witches back in the day in Salem) decided to crush Giles Corey until he confessed to being a witch.  This was because they could only confiscate his sizeable property from his family if he confessed.  They put a lot of rocks on top of him and every time they told him to confess, he just looked at them and said, “more weight.”  F*ck you, witch hunters!

Get those prissy hands off me, bitch.
3: Leonidas. The movie 300 pretty much summed up this one.  He was one of the most badass guys around.  The Persians were coming and tried to take over Sparta.  Leonidas only had 300 men because the Powers that Be in Athens didn’t want to help him and his Spartan homies out.  Luckily, there were no whiny little bitches in Sparta.  Leonidas took his three hundred best guys to the straights of Thermopolyae and fought the Persians off with his bear hands.  Arguably, this was influential in preventing the Persian takeover of the western world.  Only Spartan women had Spartan men, though!

I do what I want.
2: Edward Teach a.k.a Blackbeard the Pirate.  I’ve been a fan of Mr. Teach since my grandparents took me to the Outer Banks when I was a child.   It was there where I bought a book about Blackbeard and I read every word of the pirate tome, fascinated by Blackbeard’s exploits.  This guy just didn’t give a damn about anything except money, fornicating, and inciting fear in everyone else.   He formed pirate gangs, blockaded whatever port he wanted to, and killed and took with abandon.  He put dynamite in his beard to scare people, for crying out loud. Blackbeard was the kind of badass the rest of us can only dream about.  Let’s pour some out for Edward Teach.

Respect.
1: Tich Quang Duc.  Buddhists were being terribly persecuted by the Roman Catholic governent and no-one was doing anything about it.  No one seemed to care about the atrocities enacted against the Buddhists until Tich Quang Duc lit himself on fire in protest at the intersection of Phan Đình Phùng Boulevard and Lê Văn Duyệt Street in Saigon.   His story is so incredible to me that he has to be the most badass dude ever.  Tich was a Buddhist monk who had so much control over his mind and body that he burned himself to death without moving a muscle in protest of the persecution his religion faced.  After the act, worldwide attention was turned to the situation in South Vietnam and the Roman Catholic government was eventually toppled.  Unfortunately a lot of Tibetans are self-immolating too in protest of the Chinese government’s treatment of their country.   This is not getting a lot of media attention.  We should all be grateful that we live in a society where this type of action is not needed to bring about the changes we seek.  Hat’s off to Tich Quang Duc.

Who do you think is the biggest real-life badass?  Share your thoughts below and don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and share this post with your friends!  (And check out Eileen's previous posts here!)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Top 5 Favorite Seinfeld Moments

Guest Blogger Christie offers up today's top 5...

Everyone who watches Seinfeld has their favorite moments.  Some are more popular than others, (The Contest is a perfect example) and most have made it into someone’s top whatever list over the years.  My personal favorite moments are not necessarily those that full episodes revolved around, but things that may have happened during the episodes (with the exception of one scene that an episode was named after, because it is so classic).  Anyway, here are my personal favorite Top 5 moments on Seinfeld:

5: The Pony.  Jerry at a family dinner makes the mistake of rambling about how he hates ponies and the kids who had them.  Unbeknownst to him, his aunt had one back in Poland.  The scene is like a train-wreck.   It’s so uncomfortably funny that you don’t want to look and don’t want to miss it all at the same time.  “Who thinks an immigrant is ever gonna have a pony?”  [Ed. note: Had trouble getting the Youtube embedded for this one--click on the name for the clip.]

4: Jerry tries to kill George.  It’s a quick scene.  And yet every time I see it, I crack up.  George is in the hospital and asks Jerry to kill him but not thinking that Jerry would take him seriously.   Jerry’s serial-killer like mannerisms are fantastic.  (Any idea what language that closed-captioning is?)

3: Pigman.  Leave it to Kramer to find a half-man-half-pig while on a visit to the hospital to see a friend’s new baby.  He makes it his mission to set the Pigman free as only Kramer can!  “The government has been experimenting with the Pigman since the 50’s!!!”

2: Overture!  Jerry breaking out into the Looney Tunes theme song in full tux is to me, one of the finest moments in the show.  “It’s so sad that all of your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.”  When Elaine said that to Jerry I thought, "Hey!  That’s how a lot of us were exposed to the great classic works!!!"  Don’t diss the Bugs.

1: Look to the cookie Elaine!  While at a bakery buying a cake (um, pardon me, Babka) for a dinner party they are attending, Jerry equates the famous large black and white cookies to an argument for race relations.  He waxes poetic on how the two sit side by side and get along just as it should be in life.  Unfortunately, the cookie backfires on him and his stomach ends up feeling as if he has, “Dukes and Farrakhan down there.”  Thus ending his no-vomit streak.

There are of course other moments I would’ve loved to put in here.  In the cookie episode there is the famous cinnamon monologue that is simply awesome.  And another favorite is the "Pez dispenser."  Picking just five is almost painful from a show filled with classic, comic gems.  

What scenes stand out for you?  There are of course the obvious "Soup Nazi" and "Puffy Shirt" episodes.  However, it is the little things that provide the reason we still watch it endlessly on reruns.  Share your favorites below, and don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and share this post with your friends!  (And check out Christie's other guest posts here.)

Monday, February 20, 2012

Top 5 Reasons Roto-Rooter Sucks

I've been having a weird thing happen with my toilets--one won't flush and another flushes on its own every few hours.  I haven't been able to figure it out (which isn't shocking, since I have no plumber training), so I called Roto-Rooter.  It seemed like a normal thing to do.  They promised to arrive Sunday (yesterday) between 11:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m.  ...and here's why they suck:


5: There is no need to call me at noon to tell me my plumber is running late but will still be on time for me.  That means he isn't running late.  I can't read anyone's mind, and had no idea his earlier job is taking longer than expected.  You gave me a window--if he shows up in the window, he's on time. 

4: Speaking of windows, they are supposed to take "unanticipated" delays into account.  That's the point.  If there were never delays, you could give an exact time, but since things get delayed in the plumbing game, you give a window to allow a cushion for these unanticipated delays.  You anticipate them.  A window is pointless if you don't arrive within it, and a call to advise you'll be late is pointless if the call comes outside the window.

3: Calling to tell me the plumber will be on time is pointless.  Calling back to say he'll be late after he's already late is just bad form.  Calling back again to advise he'll be at least an additional two hours late is just unacceptable.  I had plans, I had to change the plans, and eventually I had to cancel the plans.  Thanks Roto-Rooter.

2: When I have a coupon for 10% off, and you offer to give me 10% off for my trouble after I complain about the delay, you aren't offering me anything.  When you call back to announce further delays, and you offer me the same 10% discount that you were "noting in my account," it's insulting.

1: Speaking of pricing, I have a friend who's a very good (and high-end) plumber.  I had a clogged drain a while back and asked him if he'd recommend someone in the area (he's an hour away and it seemed silly to ask him to drive down to help).  He recommended Roto-Rooter since it was a simple problem that any plumber could resolve, and I shouldn't pay a plumber's full rates to handle it.  After I told him what Roto-Rooter was charging, he said he needed to raise his rates.  And he's a high-end plumber!

Roto-Rooter, I would only call you for simple jobs.  Since you can't even be bothered to show up for those, I'm calling a FAIL.  You'll never see business from me again.

Ever have a lousy experience with Roto-Rooter, or anything like this (come on Cablevision customers, step up)?  Share your experiences below, and don't forget to "like" our page on Facebook!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sunday musings... Our Facebook Page!

Just a quick note that the Kooz Top 5 is on Facebook!

Click here to check us out and "like" our Facebook page!!! 

Also, it's been about half a year, and we're finally getting our act together--in addition to trying to make you laugh (or think) every day, we are going to be doing it in a prettier fashion.  Soon, we will have a new layout to make your favorite morning waste of time even wastier!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Top 5 Reasons Star Trek is Better than Star Wars

Space; the final frontier--but whose frontier is better?  That of Star Trek or Star Wars?  I previously examined the top 5 arguments in favor of Star Wars.  In this post, I look at the arguments for Star Trek.

We all know what happens to Carrie Fisher.
5: The ugliest hot green chick is hotter than the most scantily clad slave Leia.

4: Which android would you rather have on your team--one who looks human, has super-human strength, and knows just about everything?  Or a chicken-shit, shiny whiner with a terrible accent who pals around with an electronic trash can?

3: Holodecks; 'nuff said.

"Look how awesome I am."
"F*ck you, Akbar."
"It's a trap!"
2: In Star Trek you have Captains Kirk and Picard; in Star Wars you have Admiral Akbar--an abomination, the result of a human/squid pairing.

Hot brother on sister action!
1: There's less asthma and incest in Star Trek.  (Sorry Star Wars nerds, thank Darth Vader and Luke/Leah.)

So there you go.  You've got my arguments for both sides, but if I had to choose, I'd choose Star Trek over Star Wars.  Honestly, the human stories thrill me more than the traditional hero epic.  I've read too much Joseph Campbell for Star Wars to do it for me.  But man, Solo and Boba Fett are cool, and lightsabers are pretty dope too.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Top 5 Things That Sucked This Morning

It's one of those mornings...

5: I woke up to crying.  My two-year-old got up at 6:30.  That sucks because it was late enough in the morning for me to not go back to sleep, but earlier than I usually get up.  Now both of us are going to be cranky all day.

4: I thought it was Saturday.  Ever do this?  Things don't seem so bad, then you realize you miscalculated and have to go to work!  Ugh.

3: I ran out of regular coffee and am left with eggnog or spiced pumpkin.  These may do it for you, but there's a reason why the Thanksgiving and Christmas flavors are still kicking around in my house in February.

2: It's raining out, which means the commute to work is going to take a lot longer, since New Yorkers can't seem to figure out how to operate in drizzle.  Oh, and I have no umbrella--it broke last time it rained, and I didn't get a new one since it was winter and I didn't think I'd need one until spring.

1: I forgot to bring the garbage out to the curb last night.  We have garbage pick-up once a week, and our can is so full that we have additional bags in our garage (we had a party--we don't usually generate this much trash).  Now this will all need to wait until next Thursday night, and stink up my place in the meantime.

One more thing that isn't specific to this morning--my wife's side of the family is going on a cruise next week to celebrate a big family event; my side of the family is currently on a cruise celebrating a different family event.  We were invited to join both sides, but had to decline both and have no vacation in sight.  But hey, at least it's Friday and a long weekend.  Things could be worse.

How was your morning?  Good or bad, let us know below.  And happy Friday!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Top 5 Bad-ass Clint Eastwood Roles

Kooz and Guest Blogger Jessica Nieves team up to offer today's Top 5...

"I'm Clint Eastwood.  Go f*ck yourself." - (not) Clint Eastwood
How bad-ass is Clint Eastwood?  Before Chuck Norris goes to sleep at night, he checks under his bed for Clint Eastwood.  Here are Clint's most kick-ass roles...

5: Frank Kowalski (Gran Torino, 2008) - The man is 78 years old, and still a bad-ass--or a cranky old racist; it's hard to tell in this movie--either way, he'll still give you a beating.

4: Frank Corvin (Space Cowboys, 2000) - Clint plays a retired USAF pilot and engineer who is the only person who can disarm a dangerous nuclear Soviet satellite.  Long story short, eh heads into space with his old crew (of old guys) and a young crew of astronauts (with whom the old guys fight).  In the end, Clint saves the day by being a heroic (yet atypical) bad-ass.

3: Josie Wales (The Outlaw Josey Wales, 1976) - In this Western, Clint is bent on revenge for the brutal murder of his wife and son.  In his journeys, he encounters several people who join him as travelling companions.  He also encounters countless (literally--there were so many I lost count) other people whom he kills.

2: Will Munny (Unforgiven, 1992) - Clint plays a former gunslinger who makes one last run at some cash by killing a couple of cowboys who cut up a prostitute.  Throughout the movie, we learn he's a reformed sinner--his reputation is that of a killer, but he seems to regret any misdeeds in the past.  At the end of the movie we learn just how true the stories are, and see just how far the sheriff and town have caused him to fall.  Two quotes stick out: "That's right.  I've killed women and children.  I've killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another.  And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you did to Ned." -and- "All right, I'm coming out.  Any man I see out there, I'm gonna shoot him.  Any sumbitch takes a shot at me, I'm not only gonna kill him, but I'm gonna kill his wife, all his friends, and burn his damn house down."

1: Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry, 1971) - Clint utters the most famous bad-ass line ever written for the big screen: "I know what you're thinking: 'did he fire six shots or only five?'  Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself.  But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself one question: 'do I feel lucky?'  Well, do ya, punk?"


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Top 5 Lyrics by Dirty Old Men (and a Woman)

Musicians are free to bend a lot of rules--Bob Marley smoked blunts on stage, Sinatra was tied to the mob, and Tupac shot a guy (or not, but that's pretty much a rapper staple, no?).  Occasionally, singers cross a line.  Submitted for your approval, five inappropriate songs about jailbait.

5: Joan Jett & the Blackhearts (I Love Rock N Roll) - "Saw him dancin' there by the record machine; knew he must've been about 17..."  She goes on to say she could tell it wouldn't be long until he was "with her"...  That could mean something dirty, but although this is less than wholesome, it's not jail-worthy.

4: The Beatles (I Saw Her Standing There) - "She was just 17, if you know what I mean..."  We do, but since the song goes on to talk about dancing with her, we'll wink, nod, and STFU.

3: Ringo Starr (You're 16 (You're Beautiful, and You're Mine)) - The title is all you need to know.  Ringo was in his mid-thirties when he recorded this in 1974.  Okay, Ringo's isn't the original version, but since he's already on this list (at #4--yeah, he's the Beatle that everyone forgets), we know what he's into.  

2: Winger (Seventeen) - "She's only 17, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me."  Whose daddy?  If Winger's, then maybe he's 17 or younger and this is all okay.  However, I suspect I'm wrong, and Winger is all about the statutory...

1: Bell Biv Devoe (Do Me!) - "Backstage, underage; adolescent, "how you 'doin?"  "Fine."  She replied, and I decided I'd like to do the wild thing.  Action took place, (hey) kind of like, (come on) don't forget the "j" the "i" the "m" the "m" the "y" y'all, I need a body bag."  "Jimmy" and "body bag" are synonyms for condom, and the "wild thing" is a euphemism for sex.  Work it out.  BBD should be in jail.

Dedicated to R. Kelly, which is ridiculous.  And sad.  But at least this is funny.  So you do you know of others?  If so, please share them below...  And please, share this on Facebook or Twitter if you've enjoyed the post!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Top 5 Creepiest Antique Valentines

Happy Valentine's Day!  You may think this is a Hallmark holiday, but the tradition of sending Valentines goes back a long way.  I love searching the interwebs for old Valentine's Day cards.  Here are my five favorite unintentionally creepy antique Valentines.

5: "To my Valentine"--this is what you get for dropping all those hearts, bitch.

4: I love you so much.  Let's get fried up and eaten by a fat tourist at a truck stop diner.  It's like Romeo and Juliet, only tastier!

3: Holy Jeebus!  Get this girl some ointment, and keep her away from that guy she likes!

2: "I'm out hunting for a Valentine.  Are you game?"  If I say yes, are you going to shoot me?  You've got that crazed look in your eyes.

1: Really?  I'd "veal" much better if you didn't kill that bloody baby cow.  

And here's your Valentine's Day bonus--the Krampus, who usually follows St. Nick at Christmas and punishes bad children makes a special appearance in this card to skewer a few hearts.  Guess he's been told "no" a few times...
Share your best (or worst) Valentine's Day memories below, and if you enjoyed this post, please share it on Facebook or Twitter!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Top 5 Uses for Phone Booths

It's 2012; we haven't needed a phone booth since last millennium, yet there are still phone booths--why?  Here are a few reasons.

Did you know that Superman's original profession was "male escort"?  Fact!  (Ed.: Not a fact.)
5: Super Hero Changing Room - Now that nobody is using phone booths, Superman never has to worry about  not donning his tights in time to catch the baby that Lex Luthor threw from the top of some Metropolis building.

Photo credit: Metro.co.uk.  If you watch closely, you can see her PIN.
4: Cash Machines (ATMs) - In Britain, there are these cool, red phone boxes.  The locals like the looks of them and rather than let them go the way of the Dodo, they are welcoming entrepreneurs who are repurposing the phone booths to fit ATMs.


3: Car Charging Stations - In Spain, specifically Madrid, Barcelona, and Seville, yet another repurposing may happen.  The government is considering converting 30 phone booths into charging stations for electric cars.

2: Cell Phone Booth - Honestly, most people are still using the phone booths as phone booths, only they aren't paying for the privilege.  Anyone without a bluetooth earpiece knows it's impossible to hear a conversation on a cell phone in Manhattan.  Phone booths are still all over the place--problem solved.

1: Urinals - The most popular use for a phone booth that I've seen (literally--I really have seen this in person) is as a urinal.  To stupid, stinking drunk people, phone booths give the illusion of privacy, so hammered, uninhibited morons have no issue dropping their pants and "making water."  (We all know it's not water.  Gross.)  I'm not going to add a picture, but I will link to one which is borderline NSFW.

So there you have it, reason enough to keep phone booths around.  At least they allow the Doctor to be somewhat inconspicuous...  (Don't worry if you don't get it.)  Can you think of any better uses for old phone booths?  Share below!  And don't forget, the biggest compliment you can pay this blog is sharing it with your friends on Facebook or Twitter!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Top 5 Best Steve Martin Movies

Steve Martin is one of my favorite comedians.  His stand-up is witty and his sketches and movies are usually brilliantly clever and funny.  It's really tough to narrow it down, but here's the top 5 Steve Martin movies.

5: Leap of Faith (1992) - Maybe my favorite (but not the best) on the list, this movie is based (in part) on the expose of televangelist Peter Popoff by Johnny Carson and James Randi.  Martin is a Christian evangelist whose bus breaks down in a one-horse town.  He and his crew are stuck, so they decide to make the most of the situation by scheduling some revivals.  Things go great until a skeptical sheriff forces Martin into more ridiculous "miracles" and signs.

4: Father of the Bride (1991) - Martin's daughter (and best friend) is getting married (and leaving him behind).  This movie is cute, really funny, and touching.

3: Roxanne (1987) - Martin plays a fire chief with an enormous nose who falls in love with a local gal who is herself falling for a dumb-but-handsome firefighter serving under Martin.  Martin feeds this dummy lines and makes his love fall in love with the dummy.  She eventually learns the truth, and... no spoilers.  This has the added bonus of having been written by Martin as well.

2: Three Amigos! (1986) - Martin teams up with Chevy Chase and Martin Short as actors who play the Three Amigos--typical white-hat cowboys in a series of films.  Finding themselves falling on hard times, they take an in-person gig down in Mexico, but get more than they bargained for when they discover the townspeople mistook the movies for real life, the Amigos for real heroes, and are expecting real saviors from the dreaded El Guapo.  There are a ton of great skits and one-liners from this movie, but not as many as from...

1: The Jerk (1979) - Steve Martin is at his funniest playing this idiot who stumbles into great fortune, great misfortune, and great fortune again, while finding love (and his "special purpose") along the way.  Things that make me lol: "He hates these cans!"; "I'm picking out a thermos for you..."; and "Bring us some fresh wine, the freshest you've got--no more of this old stuff!"

Yeah, there are a bunch of really good movies that didn't make the list.  I was very torn on a few, but had to make my cut.  Argue for your missing favorite in the comments below...