Top 5: Ways to Know if You're Cool (Retro Style)

Okay hipsters--you've heard the 80's are in and you've taken steps to make sure you're in the cool guy club.  Has it worked?  Here is a quick quiz to test your efforts...  Answer honestly then score yourself at the end.

5: You have an Atari 2600, Atari 5200, or Atari 7800.

4: You have a Dexy's Midnight Runners song other than Come on Eileen on your iPod.

3: You rock black spandex biker shorts with a neon stripe down the side.

2: You constantly reference Reaganomics, the Soviet Union, the Berlin Wall, or Oliver North.

1: You're a big fan of Fred Savage or Neil Patrick Harris.

Scoring:
5: Trick question. Add 5 for a 2600, add 2 for a 7800, but lose 3 for a shitty 5200.  If your 2600 has faux wood paneling, add an extra 2 points.

4: The members of the band can't name any song other than Come on Eileen.  Lose 3 points for trying too hard.

3: Nobody but Technotronic ever thought this was cool.  Lose 5 points if you said yes.

2: If you do so in an attempt to be cool, lose 5 points, and please, stop.  If you do so in an appropriate context, such as discussing George H. W. Bush's place in the history of U.S. politics, lose 3 points--that isn't cool and you're too smart to be taking this dumb quiz.

1: If it's a show about a prepubescent doctor or involves Winnie Cooper, lose 3 points.  If it's a movie that involves Nintendo, add 4 points.  If it's something that aired after the 80's but before 2005, lose 2 points.  If it aired more recently and involves Sandcastles in the Sand, add 1 point.

Add up your arbitrary score.  If you took this quiz, kept score, and added it up, you're not cool.

Leave your feedback below, and toss us a "like" over here.

Top 5 Troy McClure T.V. Specials

Simpsons fans will immediately recognize the name of the character Phil Hartman made famous, but you may remember aging B-movie actor McClure from such films as David versus Super Goliath and The Revenge of Abe Lincoln.  What you may not remember is that in addition to films and cartoons like Christmas Ape and Christmas Ape Goes To Summer Camp, McClure starred in several educational, self-help, and other specials.  Here are the best of those:

5: The Half-Assed Approach to Foundation Repair 

4: Whoa!  Don't Touch Me There! 

3: Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly

2: Smoke Yourself Thin

1: Get Confident, Stupid!

Sadly, Phil Hartman was killed May 28, 1998 and Troy McClure died with him.  It's hard to believe that was 14 years ago, and The Simpsons is still going strong!  Give a shout out to your favorite fake Troy McClure movie or t.v. special below, and don't forget to like us here.

Top 5 Ways Clocks Are Messing With Me

Sooz is back with a new top 5 for you:

Cut it out, clocks!  Don't I have enough to deal with?  Let's all work together and make my life easier, shall we?  Thanks!

Not helpful.

5: Clock vs. Timer - I use the timer on my microwave pretty often, and somehow every time I glance at it the time left is pretty similar to the time the clock should be showing. Confusing.

4: Spy vs. Spy - Okay, it's really Clock vs. Clock, but I have two microwaves, one right on top of the other (don't ask) and they never show the same time. Even when I try to program one to match the other, it somehow never works out.   Surely the microwaves are changing time, slowly, but surely.

3: Clock vs. Thermometer - In one room I have a combination clock/thermometer that alternates between showing the time and showing the temperature.   Just about every time I look at it, I think it's frozen, but no, the time and temperature are the exact same numbers.  What are the odds of that?   Apparently it is always 71.6 degrees at 7:16 p.m.

2: DVR vs. Me - My dvr hates me, and I am not too fond of it, either. The end of my shows always get cut off which should not happen with this piece of technological wizardry! Shouldn't the internal dvr clock match up with the tv programming clocks?  Anyone out there watch Modern Family?  Would be nice to know if Gloria said anything important at the end of the last episode.

1: Military Time vs. Civilian Time - You can't possibly expect me to be able to subtract 12 from your fancy afternoon and evening hours.  I can barely find time in the day to change out of pajamas, but I have to do math to figure out exactly how sad it is that I'm still in pjs?

Do any of these problems plague you?  Can you tell me how to avoid them?  Do you have the answer to my Modern Family questions?  Please share any comments with us in the link below, and please like us here and share us with friends!

Top 5: Oldest U.S. Restaurants

If you're in New England, you have a chance to dine or drink at some really old places.  In fact, 4 of the 5 oldest restaurants/taverns in the U.S. are in new England (and the other isn't far from there in in NYC).  Next time you're in the area, find one of these places:

5: Durgin-Park Cafe (1827) Boston, MA - Specializing in "typical Yankee recipes," the history of Durgin-Park actually dates back to a market established in 1742.  Two notable things--first, you can download recipes for Boston Baked Beans and Baked Indian Pudding on their website, and second, not the sign on the building: "Established Before You Were Born."  Pretty cool that they can say that about any person alive in the world, and they are the youngest on our list.

4: Union Oyster House (1826) - Boston, MA - The oldest newspaper in the U.S. (The Massachusetts Spy) used to be housed on the upper floor (before the restaurant was established) in 1771.  Here's an original menu from when the joint was called "Atwood & Bacon."  A great thing about the restaurants on this list is that they are so steeped in the history of the United States and its foundation.

3: Griswold Inn (1776) Essex, CT - Established due to an economic boom in the small town of Essex, Connecticut, after Connecticut Colony was charged with building warships for the American Revolution.  A sign was put up in the Gris's lobby in 1800's which states: "Rules of This Tavern: Four pence a night for Bed.  Six pence with Supper.  No more than five to sleep in one Bed.  Organ Ginders to sleep in the Wash house.  No dogs allowed Upstairs.  No Beer allowed in the Kitchen."  By then, the restaurant was over a quarter century old.

2: Fraunces Tavern (1762) New York, NY - Some claim it to be New York City's oldest surviving building; in fact, George Washington ate here--for real, unlike most places making that claim.  In 1975, someone detonated a bomb in the building.  Two unrelated and random, but interesting, facts.

1: White Horse Tavern (1673) Newport, RI - The original building was built in 1652, and the tavern license was obtained in 1687.  For the early part of the next century, the tavern was operated by pirate William Mayes, Jr.  It got its current name in 1730, was a quarterhouse for British soldiers in the British occupation of Rhode Island during the American Revolution, and eventually became a boarding house.  In 1952, the building was restored and again operated as a tavern and restaurant, as it currently remains.

Remember what they say--if we forget our history, we're doomed to repeat it.  So, visit these places, or we'll be doomed to... make... a new... bar?  I don't know.  Happy Memorial day, Americans!  (Happy just-another-Monday, rest of the world!)  And if you like the KT5, please like us here and share us on your favorite social website.

Top 5: Reasons Today's Post is Lame

Total cop out, but for the sake of not missing the day, here's why today's top 5 is lame.

5: I'm writing it on an iPad in the dark with my two year old and 5 month old sleeping in play pens on the floor next to me, so I can't effectively research an interesting topic.

4: I usually keep a couple of articles in the queue for times when I'm too busy to write, but the queue was depleted due to working past midnight a couple times this week.

3: Nobody volunteered to guest blog. ...Something about it being a holiday or something.

2: Umm... Would you believe I was kidnapped by aliens?

1: Let's be honest, nobody is reading this on the Saturday of a long weekend!

Enjoy the long weekend! And if you did read this, leave a quick comment to let me know (and show me up)!

Top 5: Funniest Pie Charts

I love pie charts.  You can learn a lot from pie charts.  The following are pretty funny, and pretty educational.  No, I kid--these have no academic value.  I should note--I didn't come up with these.  Funnier people beat me to it.  I'm linking the words "pie chart" in each of these to the website where I found the image.

5: When making a pie chart, color matters, as demonstrated below.

4: To prepare for your audience with the Godfather, review the pie chart below.

3: A pie chart.  Literally.  (I was really hoping someone did this, and I'm glad I found this one!)

2: There are several pie charts that look like things, including one that looks like Mr. T, but this one takes the cake (err, pie)!

1: Yo Joe!  This pie chart will bring the G.I. Joe closing PSA's to mind.

There are a lot of funny ones--just Google it.  If you find one you really like, share it in the comments.  And please, check out and like our Facebook page!

Top 5: Crap You Believed as a Kid

In pre-internet (or at least, very early internet) days, kids couldn't research things, so they had to believe what they were told by tv, aunts and uncles, and random authority figures.  These folks made mistakes, and the kids bought them all.  Here are some of the biggest fallacies you bought as a kid.

5: You have to wait a half hour after eating before going swimming.  Because...?  I guess the idea was you'd get a cramp and drown.  But you probably won't.  Unless you typically get cramps after eating, you're unlikely to have the problem in the first place.  If you are swimming and do get a cramp, you either swim back to land, or float until help arrives.

4: If you got an Apple while trick or treating, it probably had a razor blade in it.  A mass hysteria in the early 80's surrounded Halloween and trick-or-treating.  Namely, was the candy kids came home with poisoned by crazy people.  The answer was no.  There were a few (read: almost no) isolated cases.  But never one involving a razor blade in an apple.  And as an aside, I trick-or-treated for over a decade, and I never received an apple anyhow...

3: Eating Pop Rocks and drinking Coke will make your stomach explode. Mikey from the life cereal commercials died hat way, right?  Turns out, no, no he didn't.  And since you can burp, neither will you.  Nevermind that the whole interaction isn't any more than a big fizzle.

2: Don't pick your nose or you'll give yourself brain damage.  Can any adult reading this tell me why this isn't true?  Is this possibly a lie that's for the greater good?

1: Gum stays in your stomach for 7 years.  Okay, you may have been told five years, or 10 years, but the real question is: does gum stay in your stomach for an extraordinary amount of time?  Gum is indigestible, but that doesn't mean it just stays inside you when you swallow it (or else we'd see common surgery to remove 15 pound balls of old Hubba-Bubba).  It doesn't get broken down, but it does get passed.  I suspect this originated in part as a choking precaution to discourage kids from swallowing gum, but when the teacher caught us chewing, we weren't supposed to admit we had gum in our mouths, were we?

Our parents rocked, but they didn't have the benefit of Snopes back then!  We do--don't put your kid through the silly exercises our parents put us through!!!  If you liked this article, please share it on your favorite social network.  We also love it when you comment below, and like our Facebook page!

Top 5 Songs About Pot

"Welcome to Marijuana's, please drive around.  ...Not aimlessly.  I mean, please drive to the next drive-through window to pick up our order.  What?  Oh.  Yes, you ordered.  18 cheeseburgers.  But we're a medical marijuana clinic, so I was just gonna give you a joint."  

"Pot, grass, dope, weed, homegrown, sinsemilla, maui-wowie, thai sticks, joints, roaches, indica, concentrated resin called hash or hashish but some [people] call it bud..."  Whatever you call it and whatever you think of it, there's no doubt that marijuana has left an indelible mark in the arts.  Many singers and songwriters across every genre have honored this CNS depressant/hallucinogen, going back to the 16th Century with La Cucharacha (la cucaracha ... ya no puede caminar ... porque no tiene marihuana pa' fumar; English: the cockroach ... can't walk anymore ... because it doesn't have marijuana to smoke).  For all you potheads out there, here are the top 5 pot songs (in this non-smoker's opinion):

5: Can't Wake Up (I'm a Blunt) (KRS-One, 1993) - Old school rapper KRS-One hung his early nineties comeback on tracks like this.  He wasn't terribly successful, but he's still KRS-One, and the song is all about  smoking--the hook is: "I'm a blunt gettin' smoked and I can't wake up..."

4: You Don't Know How It Feels (Tom Petty, 1994) - This songs has three things going for it: (1) the line, "so let's get to the point; let's roll another joint"; (2) the fact it was banned from some radio stations and censored by others for that very line; and (3) the fact that Tom Petty is the man.

3: Rainy Day Women #12 & 35 (Bob Dylan, 1966) - Bob Dylan's famous refrain: "But I would not feel so all alone; everybody must get stoned!" directed a generation to join him in his reefer madness.  Dylan was stoned when this was recorded--if you listen closely, you can hear laughing and talking in the background and whether you listen closely or not you'll hear that Dylan's harmonica bits and singing were in a different key than the other instruments.

2: Down 2 Tha Last Roach (Eazy-E, 1993) - The quote at the top of this article is from this song.  Almost every other line is a weed reference.  Plus, Eazy-E is an all-time great rapper, and he sounds as good on this track as any he ever recorded.  The question and answer segment at the end bumps this up to number 2.

1: I Wanna Get High (Cypress Hill, 1995) - The group that's spent every day of the last 25 years stoned has to get the top spot.  And among their many songs about pot, the clearest is this.  Cypress Hill leaves nothing to the imagination, naming the song I Wanna Get High, and making their intent clear--"hits from the bong"!  Best line: "Tell Bill Clinton to go inhale."

So I don't even smoke, but it's a fun topic.  Sorry Afroman fans, Because I Got High didn't make the list because it sucks.  Really, it does.  You know you have an opinion on this--let us know in the blog comments below.  And if you enjoyed the read, share it and like us on Facebook!

Top 5 Rap Feuds

Rap is what it is in part because of the battles and feuds the artists get involved in along the way.  Here are some of the best (including links to lyrics in some places).

5: Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac (1994) - Biggie and Pac are, with Nas, Jay-Z, and arguably Eminem, the best lyricists in rap history.  Tupac thought that Biggie and Puff Daddy (or P. Diddy, or whatever) were behind his being robbed and shot in a New York record studio in 1994.  Then Biggie released Who Shot Ya?, which seemed to be a direct reference to the incident.  In response, Pac released Hit 'Em Up, a diss song about Biggie.  The battle never got any more heated, as Pac was shot and killed a few months later, and Biggie was shot and killed early the following year.

4: Boogie Down Production and Juice Crew (1985) - KRS-One's Bronx-based Boogie Down Productions and Marley Marl's Queensbridge Projects-based Juice Crew had a battle for the ages, arguing about the origins of rap itself.  Marley Marl and MC Shan put out The Bridge, implying that rap started in Queensbridge.  BDP put out a near identical track called South Bronx, claiming it as the birthplace of hip hop.  Juice Crew responded with Kill That Noise, but BDP put a nail in Juice Crew's coffin with The Bridge Is Over.

3: Eminem and ICP (1995) - This is barely a serious feud.  "Rappers" Insane Clown Posse took on Eminem because Eminem put up a flyer for a small gig he was doing (while still generally unknown) and wrote "also and appearance by ICP... Maybe."  ICP got pissed and the skirmishes began.  When Eminem got big, ICP blasted him with it's parody song Slim Anus, spoofing Em's popular Slim Shady.  ICP's version was lame and uninspired, attempting to diss Eminem by calling him gay.  Because ICP is, apparently, in 7th grade.  Eminem had the last laugh in his song Marshall Mathers, in which he responds to the gay allegations by saying...  Well, I'll let him say it.

2: Nas and Jay-Z (2001) - When Biggie died in early 1997, both Jay-Z and Nas stepped up to fill the void as King of New York.  Their back-and-forth culminated with two great Nas songs--Ether and Got Ur Self A...--both of which were directed at Jay-Z.  Jay-Z came back with Supa Ugly, and premiered it on the Angie Martinez show on Hot 97, New York's premiere hip hop radio station.  What followed was a listener poll in which Nas was declared the winner, 58% to 42%.  Sure, it was one of the less gangsta ways to determine a rap feud outcome, but it doesn't take away from the vitriol both lyricists spit at each other.

1: Dr. Dre and Eazy-E (1991) - Back in the 90's, Dre and upcoming artist Snoop Doggy Dogg, on Dre's ground-breaking album The Chronic, seemed to be feuding with everyone.  Tim Dog from the Bronx and Luke Skyywalker from 2 Live Crew caught a lot of Dre's disses.  However, former NWA co-star, Eazy-E, had the most notable return fire.  Eazy's album It's On (Dr. Dre) 187um Killa (seriously--that convoluted crap is the title) contained several tracks devoted entirely to killing Dre and Snoop, calling them "studio gangstas" and referencing Dre's assault of Dee Barnes.  Using cuts from old NWA songs, spoofs of current songs from The Chronic, and bits of Dre's embarrassing past, Eazy took Dre apart.  Although Dre won the war with stronger backbeats and rhythms, never before or since has anybody with so much talent devoted so much time on one album to dissing a rival rapper as Eazy-E.

A special mention goes to "Weird Al" Yankovic and Coolio (1996).  Weird Al did a parody of Gangsta's Paradise (called Amish Paradise), much to the dismay of Coolio, who claimed he had not given permission (despite having consent from the record label).  "Un"Coolio made a fuss and briefly feuded with Weird Al, leading Weird Al to say that Coolio never complained when cashing a royalties check.  Years later, Weird Al proved to be the better rapper when he parodied Ridin' Dirty (White and Nerdy), leading Chamillionaire to say "He's actually rapping pretty good on it, it's crazy ... I didn't know he could rap like that."  Coolio, meanwhile, is in the dustbin of history.

So there you have it--rap battles.  Told you we cover everything at the KT5!  If you liked this, please share it and like us on Facebook.  And don't forget to leave your comments below!

Top 5 Things Nerds Are All About in May 2012

What's happening in the nerdosphere?  Here's the top  hottest topics right now:

5: Avengers - Expectations were huge for The Avengers, and by all accounts, it didn't disappoint.  The movie ties together storylines started in multiple other superhero movies, and has gone on to beat multiple box office records.  Some are saying this is the best superhero movie ever made.

4: Battleship - The super-expensive special effects vehicle based on a board game.  Early reports are in and word is it may have been based on a "bored" game--damn typos.  The book is better.

3: Game of Thrones - The HBO series based on the fantasy books set in a mythical realm are immensely popular amongst the nerd set, acting as a sort of Sopranos for AD&D addicts.

Despite widespread belief, Joss Whedon does not wield magic powers.

2: Joss Whedon - The guy behind Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, and movies like The Cabin in the Woods and The Avengers has earned his position in the pantheon of geek gods along with the likes of Stan Lee (of every comic superhero you give a damn about that isn't named Superman or Batman) and Matt Groening (The Simpsons, Futurama).  The question is what he'll be doing next--directing Avengers 2? bringing back Firefly? something really cool that I don't even know about yet?  I don't know, but nerd culture seems obsessed with it.

1: Community - The show about the Greendale 7 has built a strong and vocal cult following.  A recent public falling-out between Chevy Chase and creator Dan Harmon, an amazing close to the season (including one episode almost entirely done as an 8-bit video game), and most recently, Dan Harmon's removal (essentially) from the show have caused nerd blogs to speculate as to the show's future.  #sixseasonsandamovie

What else is huge that we missed?  Let us know below, and don't forget to like us!

Top 5 One-Hit Wonders that Helped Define the 80’s

Christie is back with part 2 in her series of One-Hit Wonders (read part 1 here).

As promised, we'll look at different categories, but I am sticking with the 80’s for now...  This was a difficult list to order.  I rearranged it several times, changed it, put it back together, and changed it again.  Limiting this to 5 was truly a challenge!  But here are my, the top 5 one-hit wonders that helped define the 80’s…

5: Mickey—Toni Basil.  To add or not to add this one was a tough decision.  It made the cut, and as someone who used to roller skate to this gem, I had to do it.  The question is, what was truly more memorable—the song or the video?  The song was basically a football cheer, while the video, cheerleaders on steroids!  Either way, it almost always makes the top 10 list of 80’s tunes and I, for one, won’t argue with that.

4: Cars—Gary Neuman.  The Twilight vampires have nothing on Gary Neuman!  He is, in fact, the undead…drawing upon pyramid power in this classic 80’s video.  Relying heavily on a synth for the actual music in this song, Neuman’s pre-auto-tuned vocals repeat the same phrases over and over again, a technique which most one-hit wonders relied on.  They were catchy and easy to sing--that’s why they stand the test of time.  Cars is a perfect example of this.

3: I Ran (So Far Away)—Flock of Seagulls.  Sorry to the band but seriously, the first thing that comes to mind when you think of them is not the music, but the hair.  Nothing drove this point home more than when Chandler Bing showed up at the Geller’s house with his own “Flock” haircut.  Now, having said that (the hair not being as severe in this video)…the tune itself has merit.  They were a New Wave band that didn’t just use electronica, but utilized the guitars and drums equally.  Plus, it’s a fun song to sing along to!

2: 867-5309 Jenny—Tommy Tutone.  Anyone who actually had this phone number rued the day that Tommy Tutone recorded this hit.  It was inevitable—you heard the song, you dialed the number (and tried it in different area codes too!).  To this day, people still give this number to deny drunken bar-room pick-up attempts.  Everyone sings it when it comes on the satellite radio or jukebox (and every now and then, on a very rare occasion, at karaoke).  However, how many actually remember the “Jenny” part of the title?  This is one of the greatest one-hit wonders to come out of the 80’s and therefore it deserves the # 2 spot! 

1: Tainted Love—Soft Cell.  A remake of the 1964 Gloria Jones version, this song helped define the 80’s.  There have been many incarnations of this song…everyone from the Pussycat Dolls to Marilyn Manson have done it, but the Soft Cell version is the definitive go-to rendition that we all love and cherish.  We immediately recognize the song from its iconic opening, and everyone, whether consciously or not, does the ‘bang bang’ on a table or bar stool or whatever when they hear it.  (“Sometimes I feel I’ve got to [bang, bang] run away…”)  The fact that Soft Cell uses a phrase or two from Diana Ross and the Supremes seems to go over everyone’s head, but that’s ok…it’s just an extra bit of happiness to an already awesome song.  Another bonus is that no one thinks of the video for this song--we only think of the song itself, so on the strength of the music alone, Tainted Love gets the top spot.

So this wraps up another Top 5 list based in the 80’s.  There will be more one-hit wonders to come, as there are plenty of decades, genres, and craziness to be explored.  We’d love to hear your comments on this list and personally, I urge you to watch the Marilyn Manson version of Tainted Love.  And as usual, please go here and press "like."

Top 5 Craziest Corporate Personality Types

If you've worked in an office, you've met these people.

5: The Kiss-Ass - She's a bitch and everyone hates her.  She's a monster to the staff below her, and she acts like the boss when working with her peers.  But then the boss arrives, and she's a sweetheart--nothing but platitudes, kindness, and maybe tasteful jokes.  Perhaps she even hikes that skirt up an inch or two more.  She's terrible, but one day, she'll be promoted and be your boss.

4: The Scavenger - If there is food in the office, the Scavenger finds it.  Whether it's leftover cake from a staff birthday, or hot food from after a client meeting, the Scavenger sniffs it out and packs a plate (or several) to bring back to his desk.  The Scavenger's salary is proportional to the amount of scavenging, with the highest paid people taking the most free food.

3: The Bragger - Nobody can top the bragger.  This jackass has done everything, and more impressively than you.  He's had a hole in one at Pebble Beach, saved a life by physically pumping someone's heart with his hands until paramedics showed up, been to the Kentucky Derby/Superbowl/that concert of that band you like--but he was in the third row.  Screw this guy--he's full of shit and we all know it.

2: The Busy Guy - This guy never gets anything done, yet he's always busy.  He always looks annoyed and rushed, travelling around the office with notepads and TPS reports, yet he never seems to be reading them.  The Busy Guy might as well be George Costanza...

1: The Gunner - Everything is nice and relaxed until the Gunner arrives.  He raises the bar again and again--work late?  Sure.  Work late for no overtime?  Absolutely.  Work late and over the weekend?  Yeppers.  This forces all the Gunner's co-workers to up their game (and resent the Gunner).  Thanks for that.

More to add? Share in the comments, and don't forget to like us on Facebook!

Top 5 Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese's

TV tells us there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.  But I don't believe everything I see, so I set out to determine if there is a wrong way.  Turns out, yep.  For example:

5: For your diet.  If you are eating a Reese's for your diet, you're doing it wrong.  210 calories and 13 grams of fat.

4: With a fork and knife.  You pretentious prick--put the knife down and get your hands dirty!

3: While committing crime.  Anything you are doing while criming is being done the wrong way.  (Yup, just made up a word.)

2: If you're a vampire.  What the hell is Reese's putting in their cups these days?  This commercial is bullshit--even lame vamps like Edward wouldn't go for peanut butter.

1: While "mastering your domain."  Some things just don't mix.

So what do you think?  Let us know other "wrong ways" you can think of in the comments below, and don't forget to like us using the link above or going here.

Top 5 Things I Miss About Work

Sooz brings you today's top 5...

This "mom" thing doesn't pay so well.

A couple months ago I had to make the difficult decision to leave my job.   It turns out day care hours and entertainment industry hours don't mix, and working from home was not an option.  (Did that make me sound like a stripper?)  Anyway, I've really started to mourn the loss of my job, and here's the top five reasons why.

No my first name ain't baby, it's Your.  Ms. Name is you're nasty...

5: Business Cards - Nothing says, "hey, I have a job" like business cards.  And my favorite use for business cards is putting them in the fishbowl by the cash register at restaurants in the hopes of winning a free meal.  While I do still have some left, I don't think our fish would appreciate me throwing the cards into their bowl.

Large tea, skim milk, no sugar.  Yes, I know it's a coffee cart.

4: The Food - When you work in Manhattan you can find any kind of food you want, whenever you want.   And the coffee cart guy on your office corner knows your order by heart.  Sadly, my home kitchen does not offer the same options and my suburban block is sorely missing a coffee cart.

This is exactly what this looks like in 2012.

3: Water Cooler Talk - I no longer have any idea what shows to watch; my kids don't seem to know what GCB stands for, and I'm pretty sure 50 Shades of Grey might be a new series on HGTV.

PC LOAD LTR  - WTF does that mean?!?!

2: The People - Over the years I've been pretty lucky to work with some great individuals, but the group at my last job was arguably the best.  They work hard, play hard, and entertained the hell out of me.  Working crazy hours is so much more bearable when someone is next to you making you laugh.

Will work for sleep.

1: The Commute - While there are many downsides to commuting, I do miss the long train rides that gave me the chance to catch up on reading and some solid sleep.   More than once I have considered hopping on a train with my pillow and blanket on especially restless nights.

Truth is, my coworkers should really be number one, but don't tell them that. They aren't exactly modest to begin with. I miss those cocky bastards.

P.S. You probably noticed that money was not on this list.  I felt it was too much of a gimme.  (I mean really, gimme some money!)

P.P.S.  We love it when you leave us comments, like us on Facebook, or share us with friends!

Top 5 Song Lyrics That Stick With Me

There are certain lyrics I've encountered at different times that have, in some way, impacted me (or my approach to life).  To add a bit of fun, let's make this a quiz.  Name the song and singer or band.  First person to get all five correctly may win a prize!  (No pics or videos, since I don't want to give the answers away!)

5: "Goodbye Norma Jean from the young man in the twenty-second row who sees you as something more than sexual, more than just our Marilyn Monroe."  After Princess Di died, this song was rewritten to commemorate her, which let me rediscover the original.  This line--invoking the idea of fans really connecting with music, even though they remain nameless to the artist--hit me at a time when I was discovering and rediscovering music in various forms and styles, much of which shaped the person I was to become.

4: "When I come home late at night, and you're in bed asleep, I wrap my arms around you so I can feel you breath."  Makes me think of high school generally.  Specifically, it makes me think of my wife, but a few years before we had kids, when it was just us--I'd often work late and come home miserable.  Simply crawling into bed and being close to her made me feel better.

3: "When I see you smile, I see a ray of light; I see you shining right through the rain."  When I was in 8th Grade, there was a girl in Seventh Grade whose smile could light up a room.  This song came out at the same time.  I was crushing pretty hard.  I learned that whatever else she brought to the table, any girl I would eventually marry would have to have that kind of smile.

2: "Never seen so many people want to be there by your side, and when you turned to me and smiled, it took my breath away."  This prom classic makes my number two simply because it makes me think of all the moments where I've been nervous and someone else has given me strength just by their presence.

1: "And all at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl."  This song makes me think of a girl I met a long time ago in a crowded bar.  I married this girl.

Post your guesses below, and don't cheat--this is on the honor system!  Also, share any lyrics that you would have on your list.  And please, like us on Facebook (we are closing in on our 100th "like") and share us with your friends!

Top 5 Animals Very Little Kids Love

My son is 2, and he loves animals. He has at least 4 different books about visiting zoos, never mind the multitude of general books about animals. But what interests me are how the same animals keep popping up, and it's evident why the kid (and presumably kids all over) loves them! Here are the 5 he loves best.

5: Sheep - Of all the farm animals--including the always popular chickens, cows, and pigs--sheep are the most popular. Kids are primed to love sheep due, primarily, to Ba Ba Black Sheep.

4: Lion - I think they are popular because they have hairdos. Otherwise, they're just big, boring cats.

3: Turtle - Turtles appear in almost every book my kid has. Turtles are, at best, an aquarium animal; they aren't usually at zoos or farms, except in children's books. But they have a shell, and based on the rule of "having something unique makes you cool to kids" means that shell is gold in child currency.

2: Giraffe - My friend's 2 year old daughter used to think giraffes say, "I'm tall, I'm very tall..." Primarily because my friend would read her books and make animal sounds, but nobody knows what a giraffe sounds like! She did hit on the giraffe's claim to kiddie famethey are very tall.

1: Rhinoceros - Rhinos pop up everywhere. In one book, rhinoceroses snort and snuff, in another they're mean, and in yet another they dance. One thing is clear, their horns make them easily distinguishable, and therefore (for some reason) likable.

What animals do the kids in your life (or did you) love?  Add their favorites in the comments below.  And be sure to like us on Facebook!

Top 5 Dumbest Athlete Injuries

In honor of Amar'e Stoudemire, a New York Knicks star who punched the glass case housing a fire extinguisher, causing a cut and stitches in his hand and preventing him from playing in the pivotal third game of the playoff series, here are the five dumbest injuries suffered by professional athletes.


5: Adam Eaton (2001) - The Philadelphia Phillies were deprived of his services after he stabbed himself trying to open a DVD with a paring knife.

4: Tom Glavine (1992) - A fixture in All-Star games and future Hall of Fame pitcher, Glavine once ate really bad food on a plane. It was so bad that he threw up violently, causing him to break a rib.

3: Joel Zumaya (2006) - Played so much Guitar Hero that he hurt his wrist. This video game injury cost him opportunities to pitch in three games of his Detroit Tigers' ALCS playoff series. And yeah, I'm sure it was the game that caused it...


2: Aaron Boone (2004) - Boone was the starting third baseman for the New York Yankees. In the seventh game of the ALCS, against the hated rival Boston Red Sox, Boone homered in extra innings to advance the Yankees to the World Series. He became an instant legend and was poised to be the Yankee third baseman for a generation. Then he played a game of pick up basketball in violation of his contract. He busted his knee and was expected to miss the year. The Yankees filled the hole at third by paying a gazillion dollars for a guy named Alex Rodriguez, and Boone was permitted to play as much basketball as he wanted (he just wasn't being paid by the Yankees anymore).


1: Plaxico Burress (2008) - The New York Football Giants star brought a gun to a nightclub, carried it in his wasteband, felt it start to slide down his leg, went to grab it, and shot himself in the thigh. He would have missed the remainder of the season from the gunshot wound, but he wound up missing it for prison time instead.

I was both shocked and a little disheartened to see how many dumb injuries there are--especially in baseball. Do you have a favorite you remember? Share it in the comments below, and show your love by liking our Facebook page.

Top 5 Vanished Commercial Mascots

Over time, mascots come and mascots go, and for every Tony the Tiger, there are a million Quisp guys.  Here are the five most notable (in a good or bad way) mascots who, for one reason or another, are no longer with us.

"We've come for your daughter, Chuck."

5: The King (Burger King) - I have friends who loved the King, but he always creeped me the hell out.  The one spot I remember is a guy waking up in bed, and he rolls over to see the King sleeping next to him.  What is this meant to imply?  Did the guy have a one night stand with the King?  Did the King break in and watch him sleep?  What's any of this have to do with slinging burgers?  Anyway, the King was discontinued in late 2011.  I slept a little easier (and Kingless) that night.

4: Spongmonkeys (Quiznos) - Quiznos made a major advertising push in the early 2000's, and adopted the Spongmonkeys as mascot in 2004.  A Spongmonkey is (apparently) a dead hamster with googly eyes and a cardboard smile stapled to their faces.  These little creatures were so disturbingly disgusting that people actually avoided Quiznos because of the ads.  Quiznos pulled the Spongmonkeys in favor for some inane crap that nobody remembers, but was good enough to propel Quiznos to the #2 spot in U.S. sub chains.

3: California Raisins (California Raisin Advisory Board) - Back when California's biggest problems apparently could be solved by convincing people to eat more raisins, the California Raisins were born.  The California Raisin Advisory Board was inexplicably given a big enough budget to commission and buy national airtime for a claymation commercial featuring the the song "I Heard it through the Grape Vine" and featuring the California Raisins singing and dancing.  They later starred in a generic Christmas special which sits on a shelf somewhere, untouched for years.  They died out in the early 90's.

I'm very angry but don't know why!
I'll bet that makes you want a Domino's pizza!!!

2: Noid (Domino's) - This was a claymation jerk in a skintight red suit with bunny ears who, in the late 80's, tried to prevent you from getting your Domino's pizza in 30 minutes or less.  It's never been made clear why the Noid is so intent on ruining your day, but it no longer matters--the Noid disappeared in the late 80's, and the 30 minutes or less guarantee left with him.

1: The Bakers (Cinnamon Toast Crunch) - Originally, in the 90's, the cereal had three mascots--like Rice Krispies.  Two were killed off, leaving only Wendell to make your delicious breakfast treat.  That's probably why the cinnamon swirl disappeared too--it was just too much work for one man.  Okay, to be clear, I haven't been able to confirm the other two were killed off, but they did disappear mid-ad campaign without explanation, and the cereal wars are vicious!


Do you like reading the Kooz Top 5?  If so, consider letting us know by leaving a comment below, sharing this post with a friend or two, or liking our Facebook page.  And tell us of the mascots you can remember from bygone days.

Top 5 Coolest Sci-Fi Spaceships from Television

Before we begin, a quick note--almost 7 months ago and over 200 posts ago I started this blog by writing about cartoon cats.  There's been no looking back, and it's been you that keeps me and the guest bloggers going.  We love your comments and feedback, so please keep it all coming!  And thank you for following us on Facebook, spreading the word, and most importantly, for making us a part of your day.  Okay, ramble over.

So... Everybody loves spaceships--Star Wars made sure of that.  But not all spaceships are created equal.  Some are equaler than others, as you're about to see.  Note that you'll find no Millennium Falcon here--we're looking at TV shows only.  So these are, for different reasons, the coolest spaceships ever to grace the small screen.  Yup, it's another nerdy sci-fi top 5, so buckle your seat belts and enjoy (and yeah, I know I just lost, like, half of you).

5: Narn BattleCruiser (Babylon 5) - Babylon 5 is one of the greatest sci-fi shows ever made, and of all the various ships on the show, the coolest looking was this ship, belonging to a race called the Narn.  It was one of the most powerful ships of the younger races, and the early CGI the show used, which at times looked stiff and phony, brought this ship to life.  Plus, it had a pretty crazy paint job--back on their home planet, some poor Narn's job was painting the fleet like this--hilarious.

4: SDF-1 (Robotech) - My childhood belonged to one ship only--Robotech's Super Dimensional Fortress.  Zor's ship.  The ship made for giants, containing enough room for the entirety of Macross city to be moved inside and large enough for two aircraft carriers to be tacked on to the sides.  It had the ability to transform into something of a robot form (although it was not really mobile like Voltron--it only transformed to use its main gun, an incredibly powerful weapon).  The SDF-1 (and its rebuilt versions after nearly being destroyed several times) defeated the Zentraedi armada, disappeared for the second series of the show to find and defeat the Robotech Masters, then returned at the end of the third series of the show to assist in destroying the Invid menace.  If none of this makes sense to you, don't worry--the show wasn't as popular as shows it competed against (G.I. Joe and Transformers), so just trust me that this was a cool ship.

3: Serenity (Firefly) - I have a love affair with this little ship.  It's lightning bug engine glowed in space, while its twin side thrusters--each individually rotatable 360 degrees--were fired up for planetary landings.  It seemed so perfect...  Yet like the characters on the show, and even the universe of the show, the ship is flawed.  It's an older vessel--a decommissioned class of ship--constantly on the verge of breaking down, with tight spaces and awkward interior designs.  But like the characters and the show, it grows on you.

2: Moya (Farscape) - Moya was a massive, living space ship.  In the Farscape universe, leviathons--gigantic living creatures with internal atmospheres and features of space ships--and a race known simply as "pilots" bond and become joined for life.  The pilot communicates the leviathon's thoughts with the ship's crew, and the crew interacts with both the pilot and the ship.  The living ship thing has been done before (Vorlons in Babylon 5; Species 8472 on Star Trek: Voyager), but never as in-depth as it was with Moya, who truly was another character on the show.

1: USS Enterprise NCC-1701 (Star Trek) - Two reasons this makes the list.  First, it's cool that they designed a ship that didn't look like a plane--there's no need to be aerodynamic in space!  Second, it's the most iconic space ship in history.  Others may look cooler, have cooler gadgets (including all of them from later Trek shows), or be bigger or more powerful, but none have had a Space Shuttle named after them!

Okay geeks, let the debating commence--remember, these are TV show ships.  So where did I go wrong?  Comment below, and as always, like us on Facebook and get your friends to like us too!