Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Top 5 Comments about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford


Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto, a city of 2.5 million (more populous than all but 3 cities in the U.S.), recently admitted at the most awkward press conference ever that he smoked crack last year while in a drunken stupor.  Here are the funniest comments about or fake quotes about the incident:

5: He lives in a van, down by the river!

4: Marion Barry: "Ford would make a fine Mayor of Washington D.C."

3: Rob Ford: "Can't you [the media] use a picture of me smoking crack instead of that one of me having an accident [pictured above]?"

2: Headline: Chris Farley Found Alive, Though Not Well, in Canada

1: Rob Ford: "I'm sorry; I was in a drunken stupor and high on crack at the time of that press conference."

Sorry Rob, but you brought this on yourself.  Have you heard any good ones about Rob Ford?  If so, share in the comments below!

The site is back in operation, and will be making occasional posts as the mood hits us.  Thanks for enduring our delay!  Twitterers, follow me @DaveKozlowski or Like the Kooz Top 5 on Facebook. 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Not Defunct, Just Dormant Like Mothra


You'll notice that we haven't updated in a while.  We are still here, but we're on hiatus.

The truth is, the Kooz Top 5 is a lot of work, and trying to bring you the funny every day is overwhelming for   our one and a half person staff.  Especially since there is no money in this.  None.  No "donate" button; nothing.  Hell, we have ads, but we bury them at the bottom of the page (they are so ignored that over the life of the KT5, the ads haven't generated enough revenue to qualify for actual payment!).

Still, we want to continue.  We are looking for contributors.  Can you write (even a little)?  How about a "top 5" once a week?  If so, email us.

Here's some stats: the site, dormant as it is, still gets about 400-500 unique visits per day (and that's from Google Analytics, not the jive, spam-filled stats from Blogger).  Each article, depending how well it is promoted and how interesting it is, gets between 50 and 200 unique views on its first day.  After that, it gets archived by Google and shows up in searches.

We can offer you no pay.  But, you'll write, and your writing will be read by real people!  Oh, and if you have a website or something else you want to pimp, that's fine too.

Sound cool?  Join the dark side...

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Gilbert Gottfried's Bird Voice Acting Roles

Gilbert Gottfried has made a career out of voicing birds.  Oh, and being a comedian.  But the bird thing is really weird--he plays a lot of birds...

5: The Woodpecker (Timon & Pumbaa) - Gilbert plays a mean looking woodpecker in this straight-to-video sequel to The Lion King.

4: Duck (Lemony Snicket's: A Series of Unfortunate Events) - Don't care about the movie at all; didn't see it; whatever.  But I understand Gilbert plays a duck.

3: Digit (Cyberchase) - I've watched this show with my kid, mainly because it has Gilbert doing this bird's voice and Christopher Lloyd as the bad guy.

2: Aflac Duck - He was fired form this role after Tweeting some jokes about the Tsunami that ravaged Japan a few years back.  Aflac then hired a much cheaper hack who sounds exactly like Gilbert to voice the duck. A cynical person would say Aflac used the opportunity to dump Gilbert's salary and hire someone much cheaper.

1: Iago (Aladdin) - I'm so ticked off, I'm molting!  Great movie, great character, great gig for Gilbert.  He didn't even need to do a voice--it's just him.

I would personally love to see an animated bird acting out Gilbert's telling of The Aristocrats, but maybe that's just me.  Comments below, like us on Facebook, find us on Twitter @KoozTop5, yada yada yada...

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Inappropriate Valentine's Day Candy Heart Messages

These Valentine's Day candy heart messages are not necessarily bad, but they really shouldn't be in the box of candy your kid is bringing to school.  Not that we're judging...

5: Gave You STD

4: Aunt Flo Says No

3: Pee on Me

2: No Gag Reflex

1: U Have Acute Angina

Happy Valentine's Day!  Here's hoping you don't get any of these.  Or do.   Whatever makes you happy! Show us some love by liking us on Facebook!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Things To Make With Snow

Next time Nemogeddon strikes, get your gloves and be prepared to make the following.

5: Snow Angel - Best way to get freeeeeeezing cold.

4: Igloo - Yeah, by the time you pack the third block, you're ready to go inside.

3: Snowman - To do it right, get some coal, a carrot, a pipe, a scarf, and a top hat. Don't feel like investing a fortune? Naked with rock eyes, nose, and smile is fine too.

2: Snowballs - Because what else are you going throw at passing trucks?

1: Snowcone - Yum! Delicious, and calorie-free since you don't have all that sweet flavoring... Wait... No sweet flavoring. Let me rethink delicious...

So, if you're still among those waiting to be dug out, or if you're just waiting for the next nor'easter, keep these tips in mind!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Reasons the Pope Will Step Down

Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down on February 28th.  Here's our thoughts as to why.

5: The world ends March 1, and he wants to get one good night of partying in.

4: He just learned the Pope can't date!

3: Just once he'd like to sleep in on a Sunday.

2: Neck problems--that hat is heavy!

1: He's got to get ready for Spring Training.

The Pope actually cites deteriorating strength, and we wish him well. Abdicating a position of absolute authority is rare in history--good for him for putting the needs of his group ahead of his ego.  Don't even try to lie and say you don't have your own theory.  Tell us below!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Winter Storm Nemo Alternate Names

This just in - Winter Storm Nemo may now be referred to by any of the following:

5: Snowpocalypse

4: The Snowfall to end all Snowfalls

3: The Day the Earth Stood Chill

2: Sandy's Asshole Brother

1: Nemogeddon

That is all.  (Unless you've got a better name, in which case, tell us!)

Friday, February 8, 2013

Things to Avoid Before a Blizzard

Predictions for snowfall from Winter Storm Nemo in the northeastern United States have ranged from inches to feet, and everyone is preparing for one of the worst storms to hit the region in years. If you're ever caught in these conditions, avoid these blizzard preparations. Don't--
Just started and already I'm sick of it.
5: Plan on ordering in. Because if you can't get out of your house, neither can the pizza delivery guy, genius.

4: Take a vacation/sick day at work. They are going to close the office. Don't burn your own paid time off; let them do it.

3: Fly. Take advantage of the airlines waiving change fees and reschedule your flight as soon as you can for the best availability. You don't want to trudge through the snow and traffic just to find out your flight was cancelled once you actually arrive at the airport, or worse, keep getting delayed and then finally cancelled so you've spent your whole day in the airport and can't even get home because the roads are closed.

2: Pre-treat your driveway with saline. You don't know what you're doing and will inevitably end up with a sheet of ice that will make the snow impossible to stand on.

1: Go shopping. Everyone is shopping, buying enough bottled water and cans of beans to survive a nuclear winter in a bunker. That's overboard. And crazy. In two days, these folks will be slightly regretful.

What I do recommend as preparation is getting a 30 pack of Coors Light and honoring the WCSU case day tradition of spending snow days with beer.  Or you could dig around in the Kooz Top 5 and see if you find anything funny.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Children's Toiletries you can Borrow

Having kids is worth it if only for the toiletries you can borrow!  For example:


5: Aquaphor Ointment - It's Vaseline minus the sickly yellow color, and it's great for chapped lips and paper cuts.
4: Mr. Bubble - By the time you have kids, you don't have your own bubble bath but you do occasionally have the chance to take a bubble bath. Why not bathe with Mr. Bubble?

3: Themed Band-Aids - Even if you think you're too old, Bugs Bunny is going to make that booboo feel better.

2: L'Oreal 2-in-1Shampoo and Conditioner - When you don't have the luxury of enough time to do both steps separately, this stuff works like a charm. I'm partial to the delightfully scented Madagascar Penguins Orange Mango kind. Don't worry, it smells like the fruit, not the animal.

1: Toothpaste - Because sometimes you want the taste of bubblegum without that annoying chewing and simultaneously clean your teeth while avoiding the whole fresh breath thing.

Any other health or beauty products you steal from your kids?  Share them with us in the comments below.  And don't forget to like us on Facebook!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Worst Lance Armstrong Traits

Lance Armstrong sucks.  Okay, this has been sitting in the hopper for a while, and in light of Lance's recent mea culpa, we feel the time is right to unleash our top 5 worst things about Lance Armstrong.

5: Shitty author - His book, "It's Not About The Bike," is terrible.  It's poorly written and so chock-full of hyperbole, it's almost unreadable.  Also, it's a "with" book (as in written by: "Lance Armstrong with Sally Jenkins," which means it was actually written by Sally Jenkins), so maybe we should blame this one on Ms. Jenkins.  I haven't bothered to read any of his others, but I'll assume they all suck, and refer to them collectively as "his book."

4: Cheater - Steroids.

3: Bad husband - His wife was his support through his struggles with cancer.  After recovering, he dumped her for Sheryl Crow.

2: Self-centered, egotistical jerk - He is so obnoxious and he doesn't even realize it.  His book makes it clear that he realizes his pre-steroid scandal story should be inspiring, but his ego prevents him from figuring out why.  The "It's Not About the Bike" title is appropriate--it's about how awesome Lance is and always has been!  And now we know he's full of shit.  So awesome.

1: Liar - Lied about steroids for years, even in the face of multiple accusations.  In fact, he claimed that his accusers were the liars.

Livestrong has worked to distance itself from Lance to some degree, which is good.  They do a good job supporting cancer patients (as opposed to working toward a cure--both are needed, but the former is often overlooked).  But I digress.  Lance is a douche, with a capital D double O S H.

That was almost timely.  Share your thoughts below...

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Top 5 Fruity Songs

These songs all make me hungry. Not as hungry as songs about cake or ice cream, but hungry nonetheless. Here are our favorite five songs about fruit.

5: Peaches - Makes me want to move to the country.

4: Tutti Frutti - Not about fruit, I know. And yeah, it's a fro-yo chain. But makes me want some sort of sticky-sweet fruit dessert.

3: Banana Boat Song - Beetlejuice introduced me to this song and I have loved it ever since.

2: Coconut - Coconut may not be a fruit, but when you put the lime in it, it comes close.

1: Cherry Pie - Yes, I'm pretty sure this is an innocent little song about baked goods.

Any fruit songs that you're a fan of?  Use the comments to tell us, and find us on Facebook where you can like our page for more fun stuff!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Top 5 Superbowl Commercials of 2013

Sprinkled amidst a blackout, a two-quarter rout, and a two-quarter comeback that fell just short were some pretty funny commercials.  In case you missed them (and have ignored the rest of the internet, as everybody is writing the same thing this morning), here are the top 5 funniest commercials from last night.

5: Samsung Mobile, Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen - Both get called in to audition for "the next big thing"--they insult each other until finding out they are there to work together.  Ah, mishaps.

4: Go Daddy, Close Up Kiss - An overweight geek and a gorgeous woman are the perfect match.  Watch them make out.  Now go get a web page from GoDaddy.com.  By the way, the geek is the smart one here (obviously), as it took 45 takes to get this right.  Brilliant.

3: Kia Sorrento, Space Babies - A dad tells his son where babies come from, but when the son attempts to correct him with the truth, the dad gets his Kia to play some kid-friendly tunes.  It doesn't make a ton of sense, but it's funny.

2: Taco Bell, Viva Young - A group of old people (sans Betty White--she'd have been in it last year) neck out for a wild evening of tattoos, sex, an general dukes debauchery.  Props to the old man pressing his bare, flashed chest up against the restaurant window.  Now that you're thinking of old people humping, who wants some tacos?

1: Doritos, Goat 4 Sale - A man with a neck brace and crutches is selling a goat, so of course a passerby buys it. As the goat proceeds to make his new owner's life miserable by eating bag after bag of nacho cheese snack, the owner determines to sell the goat himself, but he goat catches him painting the "goat 4 sale" sign.

Someone had to be left out, and this year it was the Doritos dad, which would have been funnier and more impactful had Facebook not thrown it in my face for the two weeks leading up to the game.  That's okay for Doritos, they still scored the top spot.  What were your favorites?  Share in the comments or on our Facebook page.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Top 5 Things That Are Hard, Lyrically Speaking

Lots of things are hard, right? Like finding a parking spot, or not being able to find a food you used to love, or coming up with five things to write a blog about everyday, for example.  Well here are our favorite difficult things, according to songs.

5. Breaking Up - It's hard to do.

4. Me - I'm hard to handle now. And the lyrics that follow are hard to understand. Double whammy.

3. Day's Night - And sorry, lady, but I think it's all the cowbell in the song that makes it alright

2. To Say Goodbye To Yesterday - It's also hard not to sing along to this song.

1. Being Snoop D O Double G - I assume that's why he had to change his name to Snoop Lion.

Are you still singing that Boys II Men song?  Me too.  Let us know what you think in the comments, and find us on Facebook.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Top 5 Parking Laws That Should Exist

Parking.  We've heard your parking complaints, and we're here to help.  Finding a parking spot can be brutal, but we can make it easier with some simple legislation.  Here are the top 5 parking rules that should exist.

5: No teasing.  All tiny cars should be required to pull in only far enough to have their rear bumper line up with the normal cars next to it.  Stop teasing people into thinking a spot is empty!

4: No stealing.  If a car is pulling out and you have your blinker on to claim the spot, but someone comes from the other direction and pulls in, you are permitted to park behind them and block them in.

3: No teasing II.  Cars that are backing out of a spot only to straighten out and pull back in should not be permitted to do so in crowded lots when other cars are waiting for them to pull out and leave.

2: No making me look stupid.  If you park in some bizarre crooked way that in turn makes me have to also park that way, you should be required to stay and wait for me to leave before you.  No leaving first and making ME look like the one that as no idea how to park.

1: Signaling.  All cars should be required to have turn signals so you know when they are going to turn into a spot.  What's that you say?  All cars DO have turn signals?  Well from what I've seen they are an option that no one pays for.

It is completely permissible for you to flip off violators.  Yeah, even if they have kids in the car--you are teaching those kids a valuable lesson in not being a jackass!  Help us get support for these propositions; share this post and like us on Facebook.  And if you've got anything to add, do so below.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Top 5 Songs with Gibberish Sounds in Them

Heard two of these in a row, which got us thinking about how many songs have gibberish sounds thrown in--sometimes to force a rhyme, sometimes just because.  Here are our favorites, let us know your favorites in the comments.

5: MmmBop (Hanson) - "mmmbop, boppa du bop"

4: Witch Doctor (David Seville) - "ooh, eee, ooh, ah ah, ting, tang walla walla bing bang"

3: Tutti Frutti (Little Richard) - "a whop bop a lua, a whop bam boo"

2: The Lion Sleeps Tonight (The Tokens) - "aweem o way"

1: Oh Yeah (Yello) - "din bow bow"

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.  Hanson.  But that was a fun song (shout out to Marc, Rob, and ??? at Spring Sing 1997!).  Anyway, find us on Facebook and like our page!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Top 5 H. Jon Benjamin Character Voices

Archer began this season with one of the greatest openings of all time--Archer with amnesia thinking he is Bob of Bob's Burgers. These shows are on different channels and are entirely unrelated, but they notably share one thing: the main character on both shows is voiced by H. Jon Benjamin. But are they his best voice roles? Read on...

5: The Master (The Venture Bros.) - One of the best animated shows of all-time, so naturally it had to find a role for Benjamin. The Master is a powerful magician who occasionally shows up to tell the Necromancer, one of the regular characters, what he's doing wrong. It sounds heavier than it is, just watch the clip.

Nothing on Youtube, so click this link for video.
4: Satan (Lucy: Daughter of the Devil) - This show lasted a heartbeat, and rightly so as it was pretty mediocre and full of missed opportunities to be funny. One of the few bright spots is Benjamin as the devil having all the typical problems any father does when trying to deal with his young-adult daughter.

3: Bob (Bob's Burgers) - I wasn't sure about this show at first, but the characters have settled in and the voice actors are good and keep it funny. Bob, his wife, and his three misfit kids run a burger shop and try, without much success, to live a normal life.

2: Sterling Archer (Archer) - Archer is a narcissistic James Bond-type with mommy issues who works with his ex girlfriend and a bunch of misfits for a private spy organization run by his mother.

1: Coach John McGuirk/Jason Penopolis (Home Movies) - If you don't agree with this choice then you don't know the show. Both characters are absolutely classic and voiced great. Add to the mix that Benjamin ad libbed half the lines and you've got a winning combination.

This list is obviously chock-full of personal bias, so please share any disagreements below. Seriously, he can do no wrong, so whatever you like him in is certainly worthy of a mention. And if you like us, prove it by liking us on Facebook!

Friday, January 25, 2013

Top 5 Lamest Comments Overheard on the Commuter Train

There are always tons of drunk lawyers and businessmen returning home from long days of fucking up our economy. They usually drink a few beers on the train ride, making their inane comments inanier (?). Here's some of the worst stuff I heard over the course of one ride.


5: "iPhone 5 has an app for that."  Okay, it's been out a long time now, and apps have been out even longer, and that whole "we have an app for that" concept has been out forever as well.  What are you gaining by saying this (besides polite but uncomfortable laughter)?

4: "Beer me!"  (Followed by uproarious laughter as though it was the most original, clever moment ever uttered.)  Has no one heard this before?  It's not funny.  It's what you say when you need a new beer and someone is closer to the cooler.  Screw this idiot, but shame on all those morons who laughed.

3: "...and I was like, 'you are the weakest link, goodbye.'"  Wow, when did that show last air, a decade ago?

2: "Cold enough for ya?"  Anyone who says this should be kicked.  No, I didn't kick the guy--he was bigger than me--but someone should have kicked him.  What a meaningless, stupid phrase.  I'm convinced it's what dumb people say to make small talk.  These are the same guys who go up to girls in bars and ask, "what's your sign?"  Like it's 1972 and anyone cares.

1: "At least it's Wednesday."  What?  That would make sense if it were Friday--a day we all recognize as the end of the work week.  But this person basically said, "at least we get to get up early and grind our way through two more work days before getting to relax!"  I should note, this was said without any sense of sarcasm--he was actually happy it was Wednesday.

Remember, that was one ride--this is repeated every week day!  Make our misery a little less miserable--like our Facebook page and leave us a comment below!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Top 5 Worst Comic Book Movies (Prior to Batman Begins)

Guest blogger Mike Bednarik brings you today's top 5:

Most of these were prior to two of what I consider among the best comic book movies (which if Kooz allows, I will follow up with my Top 5 Best Comic Book Movies (Since Batman Begins).

5. Hulk (2003) – As Kooz said previously, Ang Lee’s career took a serious hit with this.  Horrible story, weird comic book panels and pop up bubble shots for no apparent reason than to tell us he was making a comic book movie.  And worst of all, Nick Nolte as some kind of shape-shifting, mom-murdering, gamma ray-infused-dog-creating, homage to the Hulk’s TV show alter ego (David Banner) for a villain.  For a first budget studio attempt at a Hulk movie, this could have been so much better on every level.

4. Daredevil (2003) and Elektra (2005) – Sure, Jennifer Garner, looks like a fanboy’s dream in red tight leather as Elektra, but if anyone has ever read either of these comics, especially in the 1990’s, Elektra and Daredevil were actually pretty gritty, bad-ass characters.  Instead, in Daredevil we get horrible Ben Affleck trying to act tough by growling at an okay-but-still-joke-of-a-villain-as-Bullseye Colin Farrell, and the talented Michael Duncan Clarke as a underdeveloped Kingpin.  Elektra was a PG-13 train wreck with some b.s. story told in flashbacks about how her mom was murdered and she was the chosen one from some blind guy.  Yet another CMB wussed out by Hollywood.

3. Superman III (1983) and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987) – I have faith that the new one coming out soon will be pretty good.  But let’s face it, this particular franchise should have stopped at number two.  Superman III had Richard Pryor as a computer geek who causes Superman to become a douche.  Then he fights a supercomputer because they figured that Lex Luthor was overdone.  I guess, but a super computer?  Lame.  And Superman IV... my God.  I admire the 80’s relevant theme of him trying to get rid of all nukes in the world and the return of Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor, but again, the main foe for Supes was horrible.  Nuclear Man?!?!  Wow... how original, a Superman clone who becomes a pansy in the shade.  And Jon Cryer as Luthor’s nephew?  WTF!?!?

2. Captain America (1990) – Haven’t seen it?  Be glad.  The story actually wasn’t terrible and was close to the comics, but it looks and sounds like a bad TV movie version of a comic book movie.  Spandex reigns and Cap’s shield (his trademark) looks like a plastic disc you can take for a ride on the big hill on a snowy day instead of an indestructible kick-ass weapon.  And the villain, Red Skull, is basically a guy in a bad mask with a bad German accent.  No one associated with this movie in any capacity ever did anything relevant in Hollywood again.  That pretty much says it all.  Still, if you want to get a good laugh and see it on somewhere, you have to check it out for the cheesiness factor alone.

1. Batman and Robin (1997) - Two words: Bat Nipples!  This awful trend can be blamed on Batman Forever where things started getting craptastic.  I actually thought Clooney was a good Bruce Wayne/Batman choice but too much going on here by Joel Schumacher--namely too many villains and good guys.  Overacting raises the cheese and camp factor to eleventy.  The Governator as an one lining Mr. Freeze, a non sexy, Uma Thurman in green spandex as Poison Ivy, and Bane, one of the nastiest Batman villains in print, (redeemed in The Dark Knight Rises) reduced to a grunting, mono-syllabic, idiot bodyguard for Uma Thurman.  Damn you Joel Schumacher!!!

How is that for terrible?  Hollywood sure is getting better at this!  For example, these.  Let me know what you think of my choices in the comment section below.  And go "like" the Kooz Top 5 Facebook page!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Top 5 Ways to Make Food Better

No, no, no. Not better FOR you, just better to eat. We aren't a health food blog, folks.  But if you are wondering how to make your culinary creations taste even better, keep reading.

Here's the scoop.
5. A La Mode it - Top anything with ice cream and it becomes more interesting. Apple pie? Eh. Apple pie a la mode? Yes, please! Similarly, you can mix just about anything into ice cream for a better overall product. Thank you, Coldstone.
No, not THAT Bacon!
4. Wrap it in bacon - I'll have the filet mignon, please. Oh, it's wrapped in bacon? I'll take two. And people that normally pass on the shrimp or scallops tend to change their tune once they see them wrapped in bacon.   

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Top 5 Movies From a Decade Ago (2003)

I can't believe it's been ten years since these movies came out.

5: Hulk - Bad cgi nightmare about a beloved 80's TV show and comic book character. The movie that almost derailed Ang Lee's Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon success.

4: Big Fish - A son finds out his dying father's tall tales are true, sort of. The last really good movie directed by Tim Burton.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Top 5 Strange Foods My 2 Year Old Has Tried

My kid is 2. He loves to eat and is open to trying new things.  He also hasn't put together that meat is animal.   He thinks that food is just named after animals. If you ask him if he eats cow, he says, "yes, but the meat kind, not the animal kind." I am taking full advantage of this because when he puts it all together, I suspect he will get finicky as hell.  For now, here are the most exotic foods he's tried.

5: Bison Jerky - Not a huge fan--he said it's too spicy.

4: Duck - He didn't like it.  He likes ducks (the animals) and I think this may have hit a little close to home--it was the first thing he seemed a bit turned off by simply because of the name.

3: Alligator - He gave this a big thumbs up.  Although it was in fritter form, so it was almost indistinguishable from any other kind of meat.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Top 5 Reasons You Might Be Older Than You Thought

Sooz here, feelin' old and bringing you today's top 5.

5. You rush to the dry cleaners before they close to pick up the clothes you dropped off last week...and already picked up two days ago.

4. The station you watch only shows commercials for canes, walk-in tubs, and The Jitterbug phone.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Top 5: Yesterday Was A Good Day

I bitch a lot.   But sometimes, there's nothing to complain about...   Here are the good things that happened to me yesterday.

5: I ate a single portion for dinner, and felt full and satisfied.  For some people, this is normal.  For me, it's an accomplishment!

4: I stopped by the LEGO store and got a free mini build model!  Look at the picture--very cute, and free!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Top 5 Worst Star Trek TNG Characters

Star Trek: The Next Generation is my favorite series in the franchise, and has some of the most memorable episodes and characters in all of the Trekverse.  But it also has a dark side.  For every Jean-Luc Picard or Data, there's a character who made him or herself notorious through lousy acting, lousy writing, or who was just a bad idea.  Here are the top 5 worst Star Trek: TNG characters as we see it.

5: William T. Riker - Jonathan Frakes isn't the best actor, but that isn't my problem with Riker. What I hated was how the writers kept trying to shoehorn the character into a size 9 when he's clearly an 11. Two giant examples come to mind. First, he is constantly being portrayed as a ladies' man--this show's Captain Kirk, irresistible to green women--despite his being smooth as sandpaper and transparent as Saran Wrap. Second, we are barraged with references to his greatness. He has been offered his own command numerous times, he was the hero of this or that--all in stark contrast to the oft-confused and occasionally bumbling fool we cut actually see over the course of 178 episodes.

4: Deanna Troi - The "empath" who spends a lot of time touching her temples and crinkling her forehead. She was the ship's counsellor, and, somehow, a bridge officer. I can't help but think that the writers planned to do ore with her, but were limited by Marina Sirtis's halted and occasionally difficult acting.

3: Tasha Yar - Train wreck. She was the tactical officer who had the worst fake-crying performance in the history of television. She also sexed up the android Data. Then Denise Crosby wanted off the show so Tasha was killed unceremoniously. Then the show became popular and she didn't, so she desperately wanted to hitch her wagon back to the show, and was able to through some time-travel horseplay. The whole thing was a convoluted mess. The best thing about Tasha Yar was that she died and allowed Worf to have a more central role.

2: Beverley Crusher - Worst actor on the series. She also left for an entire season to "head up Starfleet Medical" or some such nonsense, despite her showing very little skill or ingenuity (especially compared to the doctors from the other Trek shows). Her acting was what you get on bad SNL skits--she might as well have been a voiced-over cardboard cutout. Plus, she got herself sexually involved with her creepy dead grandmother's ex-lover's holo-ghost in what may be the worst Star Trek episode ever.

1: Wesley Crusher - Everyone but Gene Roddenberry hated him. He's the super-brilliant but socially inept kid who was inexplicably given the position of acting ensign, despite his lack of training, and allowed to take important shifts on the bridge despite there being a ship filled with more qualified officers behind him. He also had an irritating knack for saving the day at the last second because, you know, he's a genius. He finally left the show, only to occasionally rear his head when accidentally getting his friends killed.

We literally re-watched every episode of TNG before putting together this list.  You may have a fond memory of one or two of these characters in their shining moments (Riker shines in Frame of Mind, for example), but on a whole, these sucked.  But don't take our word for it--tell us what you think in the comments, and don't forget to find us on Facebook and like our page!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Top 5 Things People Say to Make Being Poor More Palatable

People without money are always pointing out how not having money is better than having money--all the while trying to get as much money as possible and deposit themselves into the "rich" category.  Here are the stupidest excuses and rationalizations we say to make ourselves feel better than the rich.

5: Can't buy me love.  Nope, but you can buy enough trinkets and pay for enough dates to get something pretty similar without the baggage.  Also, ever notice how rich people appear prettier?

4: Mo money, mo problems.  No.  Mo money, fewer problems.  And the problems decrease in severity too--rich people complain about taxes, but never about not having enough to eat.

3: Health is better than wealth.  Yeah, true.  Know what's best though?  Health and wealth.  And the money buys you access to better health care.

2: The best things in life are free.  Except none of them are.  None.  Don't give me "love" or "happiness"--none.

1: Money can't buy happiness.  In the words of the immortal Weird Al, "if money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it."  Who are we kidding.

Let's face it--money is not a burden; we'd all be happier with a little more of it.  If you disagree, contact the Kooz Top 5 and we'll be happy to take your excess cash off your hands.  Or you could just like our Facebook page and comment below!

Friday, January 11, 2013

Top 5 Tip-Offs Telling Burglars to Rob Your House

Everyone stops their mail when they go on vacation these days, and would-be burglars don't even look for mailboxes overflowing with circulars. Instead, they look for these tell-tale signs that you aren't, and haven't been, home.
"I'm gonna clean you out, bitches!"

5: Every curtain is drawn and all shades are down all day every day for days on end.  You've died in there or you aren't home--either way, the burglar is in.

4: Two cars in he driveway that never move. Most families don't have more than two cars. If a robber cases your place and sees the same two cars in the same places (easily discerned by marking the tires with chalk), he can safely assume you've invited him to remove some of your stuff.

3: Packages. You stopped the mail, but as FedEx and UPS boxes slowly accumulate, it'll become apparent that you're on holiday.

2: A Facebook update from you with your location listed as Aruba saying, "Having a great time; see you all in 4 days when I'm back."

1: An undisturbed snow-covered driveway. There isn't much you can do about it snowing after you've left, and no tire tracks or footprints three days after it snows means you're out of town. The thief has the added bonus of knowing his footprints will melt away too!

Here's hoping all your stuff doesn't get stolen!  Leave a comment below and let us know when you'll be out of town (don't forget to include your address and net worth), and check us out on Facebook to find out when we're away (and to like our page).

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Top 5 Predictions for 2013

Last year, we made predictions for 2012, and as it turns out, we are better than the psychics!   So of course, we are doing the same for 2013.  We've peered into our crystal ball, looked at our Tarot cards, then we simply asked our most frequent writers to make their best guests.  Here's our top 5 predictions for 2013.

5: Dan predicts: Fanboys will be so torn about the upcoming Star Wars trilogy (which won't be in theaters til 2015) that several new websites will pop up downing it, or hyping it, including fan made trailers about how it will suck, or be awesome.

4: Sooz predicts: Guy Smiley will be embroiled in a game show rigging scandal.

3: Dan predicts: That someone will again come up with a new end times prediction!

2: Christie predicts: As I write this, it is still a couple of days before the well-known Mayan end of the world 12-21-12 dealio we’ve been hearing about for quite some time now.  I’m assuming we’re all going to make it, so I figured I’d share my personal thoughts on what 2013 will bring.  (However if we don’t make it, well then, just ignore this post.)  Personally I’m looking forward to 2013.  Although I do believe there will be global domination by a very strong entity.  This particular group has been slowly moving towards total world-wide control over the past year and it seems to be a real threat. I speak of course about Big Bang Theory.   What started out as an innocent half-hour of comedic pleasure on Monday evenings has been growing and growing to a phenomenon unlike any other we’ve seen before!  Marathons of it are on three days a week, it is on late-night TV, it is now even taking slots of shows that have recently been cancelled.  How could we have missed this?  For it is written: “and the geeks shall inherit the earth.” It has affected my life in very personal ways.  The names of Sheldon, Leonard, Wolowitz and Kuthrapali are used in everyday conversation.  I can’t walk into a room without knocking three times and saying, “Penny” after each 3-knock sequence.  When I am sick, I sing ‘Soft Kitty’ to myself.  And I’ve changed my Wi-Fi password to “Pennyisafreeloader” (no spaces).  Big Bang is starting to have as much power as Law and Order: SVU and just like SVU, I find myself watching it almost every single time it’s on.  If it wasn’t such a good show, obviously, there would be no reason to air it as much as it does.  And unlike other shows, this one keeps getting funnier as their seasons go on.  By the end of 2013, it is my prediction that Big Bang will be on 24/7, taking only Flag Day off, and will be greeted by the masses with cheer and jubilation. Happy New Year Everyone--BAZINGA!

1: Kooz predicts: Everyone in Christie's neighborhood (or those who make it through her entire post) will steal her internet and give thanks to the Kooz Top 5 for providing her password.

We'd love to hear your predictions below--make 'em serious, make 'em funny, just make 'em.  We'll look back in a year and see how we all did!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Top 5 Worst Things About Being Sick

The whole family has been sick, on and off, for over a week.  We're each taking our turn, then giving it right back to one another.  We have the healthiest germs on the planet--they've survived so many generations in my family that they've evolved intelligence.  Well, I'm sick of it (no pun intended).  Here's why being sick sucks.

5: Being too hot, and then too cold, and then too hot again.

4: You become a social pariah--nobody wants to catch whatever illness you've got.  And no, telling them you're on antibiotics and not contagious doesn't help when you're hacking up a lung and sound like you've got a clothespin on your nose.

3: The chance to veg out and watch whatever you want, but not caring enough to turn the tv on.

2: A day off of work!  But you can't accomplish a thing.

1: A day off of work!  But you work from your home office.  Stupid technology.

What do you think is the worst thing about being sick?  Tell us in the comments--best comment wins the cure to the common cold (yeah we have it, but we're holding it hostage).  While you're laid-up in bed, surf on over to our Facebook page and give us a "like" there.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Top 5: Our 2012 Predictions (How'd We Do?)

In an attempt to be like these crazy bastards, we made some predictions for 2012.  I'm going to call it--we just might be psychic.  Here are our guesses predictions, along with our interpretations of the outcomes:

5: A major earthquake will cause damage to a heavily populated area.  Hit.
On August 11, 2012, magnitude 6.4 and 6.3 earthquakes hit Iran, a very populous nation.

4: McDonald's will suffer a major setback and will issue a public statement.  Hit.
McDonald's tried to promote itself using hashtags, which were subsequently used by people to bash the company.  The company later stated the promotion "did not go as planned."

3: Betty White will suffer major health problems.  Miss.
I could not find anything to twist into a hit on this one.  Betty White is so f*cking healthy, it's disgusting.  Really, I thought this would be a gimme.

2: Facebook will issue an update which will cause users to petition against the change.  Hit.
Straight from Wikipedia: "In November 2012 several tech writers and bloggers reacted negatively to Facebook's new couples page feature, which automatically created new joint profile pages for people with a relationship listed on the site."

1: An unexpected politician will rise to prominence in the GOP, but will fall because of a sex scandal.  Hit.
Herman Cain was, for a heartbeat, a front runner in the Republican Presidential primaries.  His Presidential bid ended when several women accused him of sexual harassment and at least one woman accused him of a decade-long affair.

We have an excellent track record, an 80% hit rate!  And from the comments:
Anonymous predicted that "a noted psychic will be incorrect in their prediction, but will find a way to convince their followers that they were actually right."  Yep, this is more of a given than a prediction.
Jamoy predicted that "a giant monkey will build an army of smaller monkeys and ravage the earth of all bananas."  So close, but no, they were apes, not monkeys.

Keep an eye out for our 2013 predictions, and don't forget to like us on Facebook!