Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Gilbert Gottfried's Bird Voice Acting Roles

Gilbert Gottfried has made a career out of voicing birds.  Oh, and being a comedian.  But the bird thing is really weird--he plays a lot of birds...

5: The Woodpecker (Timon & Pumbaa) - Gilbert plays a mean looking woodpecker in this straight-to-video sequel to The Lion King.

4: Duck (Lemony Snicket's: A Series of Unfortunate Events) - Don't care about the movie at all; didn't see it; whatever.  But I understand Gilbert plays a duck.

3: Digit (Cyberchase) - I've watched this show with my kid, mainly because it has Gilbert doing this bird's voice and Christopher Lloyd as the bad guy.

2: Aflac Duck - He was fired form this role after Tweeting some jokes about the Tsunami that ravaged Japan a few years back.  Aflac then hired a much cheaper hack who sounds exactly like Gilbert to voice the duck. A cynical person would say Aflac used the opportunity to dump Gilbert's salary and hire someone much cheaper.

1: Iago (Aladdin) - I'm so ticked off, I'm molting!  Great movie, great character, great gig for Gilbert.  He didn't even need to do a voice--it's just him.

I would personally love to see an animated bird acting out Gilbert's telling of The Aristocrats, but maybe that's just me.  Comments below, like us on Facebook, find us on Twitter @KoozTop5, yada yada yada...

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Inappropriate Valentine's Day Candy Heart Messages

These Valentine's Day candy heart messages are not necessarily bad, but they really shouldn't be in the box of candy your kid is bringing to school.  Not that we're judging...

5: Gave You STD

4: Aunt Flo Says No

3: Pee on Me

2: No Gag Reflex

1: U Have Acute Angina

Happy Valentine's Day!  Here's hoping you don't get any of these.  Or do.   Whatever makes you happy! Show us some love by liking us on Facebook!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Things To Make With Snow

Next time Nemogeddon strikes, get your gloves and be prepared to make the following.

5: Snow Angel - Best way to get freeeeeeezing cold.

4: Igloo - Yeah, by the time you pack the third block, you're ready to go inside.

3: Snowman - To do it right, get some coal, a carrot, a pipe, a scarf, and a top hat. Don't feel like investing a fortune? Naked with rock eyes, nose, and smile is fine too.

2: Snowballs - Because what else are you going throw at passing trucks?

1: Snowcone - Yum! Delicious, and calorie-free since you don't have all that sweet flavoring... Wait... No sweet flavoring. Let me rethink delicious...

So, if you're still among those waiting to be dug out, or if you're just waiting for the next nor'easter, keep these tips in mind!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Reasons the Pope Will Step Down

Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down on February 28th.  Here's our thoughts as to why.

5: The world ends March 1, and he wants to get one good night of partying in.

4: He just learned the Pope can't date!

3: Just once he'd like to sleep in on a Sunday.

2: Neck problems--that hat is heavy!

1: He's got to get ready for Spring Training.

The Pope actually cites deteriorating strength, and we wish him well. Abdicating a position of absolute authority is rare in history--good for him for putting the needs of his group ahead of his ego.  Don't even try to lie and say you don't have your own theory.  Tell us below!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Winter Storm Nemo Alternate Names

This just in - Winter Storm Nemo may now be referred to by any of the following:

5: Snowpocalypse

4: The Snowfall to end all Snowfalls

3: The Day the Earth Stood Chill

2: Sandy's Asshole Brother

1: Nemogeddon

That is all.  (Unless you've got a better name, in which case, tell us!)

Friday, February 8, 2013

Things to Avoid Before a Blizzard

Predictions for snowfall from Winter Storm Nemo in the northeastern United States have ranged from inches to feet, and everyone is preparing for one of the worst storms to hit the region in years. If you're ever caught in these conditions, avoid these blizzard preparations. Don't--
Just started and already I'm sick of it.
5: Plan on ordering in. Because if you can't get out of your house, neither can the pizza delivery guy, genius.

4: Take a vacation/sick day at work. They are going to close the office. Don't burn your own paid time off; let them do it.

3: Fly. Take advantage of the airlines waiving change fees and reschedule your flight as soon as you can for the best availability. You don't want to trudge through the snow and traffic just to find out your flight was cancelled once you actually arrive at the airport, or worse, keep getting delayed and then finally cancelled so you've spent your whole day in the airport and can't even get home because the roads are closed.

2: Pre-treat your driveway with saline. You don't know what you're doing and will inevitably end up with a sheet of ice that will make the snow impossible to stand on.

1: Go shopping. Everyone is shopping, buying enough bottled water and cans of beans to survive a nuclear winter in a bunker. That's overboard. And crazy. In two days, these folks will be slightly regretful.

What I do recommend as preparation is getting a 30 pack of Coors Light and honoring the WCSU case day tradition of spending snow days with beer.  Or you could dig around in the Kooz Top 5 and see if you find anything funny.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Children's Toiletries you can Borrow

Having kids is worth it if only for the toiletries you can borrow!  For example:

5: Aquaphor Ointment - It's Vaseline minus the sickly yellow color, and it's great for chapped lips and paper cuts.
4: Mr. Bubble - By the time you have kids, you don't have your own bubble bath but you do occasionally have the chance to take a bubble bath. Why not bathe with Mr. Bubble?

3: Themed Band-Aids - Even if you think you're too old, Bugs Bunny is going to make that booboo feel better.

2: L'Oreal 2-in-1Shampoo and Conditioner - When you don't have the luxury of enough time to do both steps separately, this stuff works like a charm. I'm partial to the delightfully scented Madagascar Penguins Orange Mango kind. Don't worry, it smells like the fruit, not the animal.

1: Toothpaste - Because sometimes you want the taste of bubblegum without that annoying chewing and simultaneously clean your teeth while avoiding the whole fresh breath thing.

Any other health or beauty products you steal from your kids?  Share them with us in the comments below.  And don't forget to like us on Facebook!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Worst Lance Armstrong Traits

Lance Armstrong sucks.  Okay, this has been sitting in the hopper for a while, and in light of Lance's recent mea culpa, we feel the time is right to unleash our top 5 worst things about Lance Armstrong.

5: Shitty author - His book, "It's Not About The Bike," is terrible.  It's poorly written and so chock-full of hyperbole, it's almost unreadable.  Also, it's a "with" book (as in written by: "Lance Armstrong with Sally Jenkins," which means it was actually written by Sally Jenkins), so maybe we should blame this one on Ms. Jenkins.  I haven't bothered to read any of his others, but I'll assume they all suck, and refer to them collectively as "his book."

4: Cheater - Steroids.

3: Bad husband - His wife was his support through his struggles with cancer.  After recovering, he dumped her for Sheryl Crow.

2: Self-centered, egotistical jerk - He is so obnoxious and he doesn't even realize it.  His book makes it clear that he realizes his pre-steroid scandal story should be inspiring, but his ego prevents him from figuring out why.  The "It's Not About the Bike" title is appropriate--it's about how awesome Lance is and always has been!  And now we know he's full of shit.  So awesome.

1: Liar - Lied about steroids for years, even in the face of multiple accusations.  In fact, he claimed that his accusers were the liars.

Livestrong has worked to distance itself from Lance to some degree, which is good.  They do a good job supporting cancer patients (as opposed to working toward a cure--both are needed, but the former is often overlooked).  But I digress.  Lance is a douche, with a capital D double O S H.

That was almost timely.  Share your thoughts below...

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Top 5 Fruity Songs

These songs all make me hungry. Not as hungry as songs about cake or ice cream, but hungry nonetheless. Here are our favorite five songs about fruit.

5: Peaches - Makes me want to move to the country.

4: Tutti Frutti - Not about fruit, I know. And yeah, it's a fro-yo chain. But makes me want some sort of sticky-sweet fruit dessert.

3: Banana Boat Song - Beetlejuice introduced me to this song and I have loved it ever since.

2: Coconut - Coconut may not be a fruit, but when you put the lime in it, it comes close.

1: Cherry Pie - Yes, I'm pretty sure this is an innocent little song about baked goods.

Any fruit songs that you're a fan of?  Use the comments to tell us, and find us on Facebook where you can like our page for more fun stuff!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Top 5 Superbowl Commercials of 2013

Sprinkled amidst a blackout, a two-quarter rout, and a two-quarter comeback that fell just short were some pretty funny commercials.  In case you missed them (and have ignored the rest of the internet, as everybody is writing the same thing this morning), here are the top 5 funniest commercials from last night.

5: Samsung Mobile, Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen - Both get called in to audition for "the next big thing"--they insult each other until finding out they are there to work together.  Ah, mishaps.

4: Go Daddy, Close Up Kiss - An overweight geek and a gorgeous woman are the perfect match.  Watch them make out.  Now go get a web page from  By the way, the geek is the smart one here (obviously), as it took 45 takes to get this right.  Brilliant.

3: Kia Sorrento, Space Babies - A dad tells his son where babies come from, but when the son attempts to correct him with the truth, the dad gets his Kia to play some kid-friendly tunes.  It doesn't make a ton of sense, but it's funny.

2: Taco Bell, Viva Young - A group of old people (sans Betty White--she'd have been in it last year) neck out for a wild evening of tattoos, sex, an general dukes debauchery.  Props to the old man pressing his bare, flashed chest up against the restaurant window.  Now that you're thinking of old people humping, who wants some tacos?

1: Doritos, Goat 4 Sale - A man with a neck brace and crutches is selling a goat, so of course a passerby buys it. As the goat proceeds to make his new owner's life miserable by eating bag after bag of nacho cheese snack, the owner determines to sell the goat himself, but he goat catches him painting the "goat 4 sale" sign.

Someone had to be left out, and this year it was the Doritos dad, which would have been funnier and more impactful had Facebook not thrown it in my face for the two weeks leading up to the game.  That's okay for Doritos, they still scored the top spot.  What were your favorites?  Share in the comments or on our Facebook page.