The Kooz Top 5

Top 5 Coolest Sound Effects

2012-02-28T00:19:00.002-05:00

The 2012 Oscars are behind us, and we here at KT5 think there are some people who routinely get overlooked--the sound guys. Sure, the Oscars ceremony had sound issues of its own, but that's all the more reason to give props to the sound guys who get it right! And extra special props to those who appropriately utilize these, the top five sound effects:

5: Cat Screech - If you watch a lot of movies--and you know you do--you'll recognize this cat's screech. This sound effect has been around for decades, and usually crops up when someone tosses something off-screen. Typically, there is no cat in the scene and no reason for a cat to be in the scene.

4: Red-Tailed Hawk Screech - Every Eagle, Hawk, and other bird of prey you see is the same Red-Tailed Hawk.

3: The TARDIS - The iconic sound of the take-off and landing of the Time And Relative Dimension In Space police box that the Doctor and his Companion(s) travel in has an interesting history (detailed here). If you don't know this sound effect, you should. (Or you should be happy you're less of a geek than our typical readers.)

2: Breaking Celery - When you see Chuck Norris break someone's arm, or watch [action star] snap someone's neck [catchphrase!], that sick *crunch* you hear is probably celery. Normally mild-mannered, celery gets crazed when angered...

1: Wilhelm Scream - You may never have heard of it, but you've certainly heard it, in these scenes and countless others:

So, do these sound familiar to you? Are there other you think are more iconic, funnier, cooler, or more popular? If so, tell us about it in the comments below, and please share this post on Facebook and "like" our page!

Top 5 Oscars Fails of 2012

2012-02-27T01:29:00.000-05:00

The Oscars--the time of the year when industry professionals pat each other on the back, and we watch so on Monday we can disagree with the Academy's decisions, discuss how bad people looked, and bitch about how stupid the Oscars ceremony is. Lucky you, you don't have to sit through this--we'll do it for you and sum it up in one nice, neat package. In the spirit of the night (or maybe the complete opposite of that), here are the biggest fails of the evening.

5: Cirque Du Soleil - I'm going to quote the very funny Karen Melillo here: "Nothing says 'tribute to excellence in movies' like an entirely different art form: cirque du soleil. This is so confusing." Yeah, they were good at doing artistic acrobatic stuff, but huh? Next year, juggling and card tricks.

"What up, 1986?"

4: Brad Pitt's Hair - Gross. Party in the back, but really, who's going?

3: Popcorn - Somewhere around 10:30 p.m., a bunch of cigarette-selling-girls from temperance-age casinos came down the aisles and handed out what looked like MTV Movie Awards to the nominees. At least, I think that's what they were. I guess you get a lesser award for being nominated for an Academy Award? I don't know, the whole thing was kind of bizarre.

2: Actors on Movies Montage - There were a bunch of interludes with clips of actors talking about the movies. They started with Ben Stiller being serious and getting deep and philosophical about how weird it is that we watch this screen and blah, blah, blah. Listen guys, it isn't "deep" and there's nothing existential about it, it's the movies. Just accept your lives for what they are--you're rich and you're giving each other gold statues; isn't it okay that you're also simply entertaining people? Do you really need to tell yourself you're doing something deeper? Let it go.

"May I show you to your seat?"

"My face isn't the only place I've had work done. I added about this much..."

1: Billy Crystal - He's not necessarily number one for his performance (although his jokes mostly fell flat, and his song was pretty weak), but rather, for his look. He wore an ugly (but no doubt, "stylish" in the way things on Project Runway are) tux that made him look lik a waiter. Also, whatever he's done to his face makes him look sick--seriously folks, stop getting work done--it's okay to get old.

One last, special shout out to the crappy sound guy who made listening to the speeches really, really annoying. I was up way too late to get this written. To quote Karen again, "Oh, to live in L.A. where all the important stuff is over by 9 p.m." So, what did you think of the Oscars? What were the lowlights that you noticed? Please share your thoughts in the comments below and don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page.

Sunday musings... Our logo.

2012-02-26T00:05:00.000-05:00

Alright folks, here's the deal... For the site redesign, I would like to get a decent logo. Here's what I've been using:

Here's what I just switched to:

Here are other options:

Please comment below on which of these (A, B, C, or D) you'd like to see going forward. OR, even better, if you're a graphic artist (who likes to work for free) or a just plain artsy person (who likes to work for free), please email us!

And don't forget our Facebook page--we'd like to break the 50 follower ceiling in the next few days and work toward triple digits, so if you haven't yet, please go here and "like" us, and encourage your friends to do the same!

Top 5 McDonald's Secret Menu Items

2012-02-25T00:05:00.000-05:00

McDonald's has a secret menu. I SAID--McDONALD'S HAS A SECRET MENU!!! Shout it from the rooftops. No longer are we saddled with a meager 106 menu options (seriously--count them up).

This could be yummy.

5: McKinley Mac - This is a Big Mac, but instead of regular burgers, quarter-pounders fill the bun. Apparently, it's on the menu in Alaska, but legend has it that it can be ordered at any location (and why not--it isn't like they don't have the ingredients). Photo isn't mine--check out Ranker's list on the same topic.

This will kill you.

4: Monster Mac - An eight-patty Big Mac. This sandwich is the stuff of legend (in that it may not really exist, and I'd bet you'd have a hard time finding a McDonald's to make one). This is the only photo I could find, and it's all over the place (I got it from KevinMD). It further supports my myth hypothesis.

3: Cheese Delight - No photos anywhere! But this is the only one on the list that I've ever ordered. A dozen years ago, a friend told me about the secret menu and hooked me on the idea with the Cheese Delight--hamburger buns turned upside-down, pressed flat, and grilled with two slices of cheese in between. And, no--the check-out person had no idea what I was talking about, called the manager over, the manager was clueless, and I left with a Big Mac.

The Arabic translates to: "Tastes like chicken!"

2: Big MacChicken - Judging by the Arabic writing, this may be available in Arab-speaking countries. All I know is that I've never seen it on a U.S. menu. It's simply a Big Mac with chicken instead of beef patties. A "healthy" alternative to the Big Mac? Yeah, not so much; but still...

At a strategy meeting that never happened: "The double cheeseburger is great, but we get a lot of complaints, mainly that the beef isn't chicken! So here's the plan..."

1: McGangBang - I've heard of two variants: one, a double cheeseburger with a chicken patty slipped between the beef patties; the other, a double cheeseburger with a whole chicken sandwich slipped between the beef patties. I'd like to think it's the former (since the latter is something any schmuck can make on his own). Either way, it gets the number 1 spot because it might be brilliant. Go ahead, try ordering one. With your kids. Then explain. Then tell us how it went. (There are tons of pics of this one; I pulled mine from here.)

I would love to hear from anybody with experience in this area--did you work at a McDonald's and know of the secret menu? Did you ever order from the secret menu? Are there other secret menu items that should bump one of these from the list? Please comment below, and don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and "share" the hell out of this post!

Top 5 Walker, Texas Ranger Moments

2012-02-24T00:05:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger Sooz offers up today's top 5...

The other day I happened to catch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. More specifically, I caught about the first 10 minutes of this episode, titled El Coyote, before my husband claimed he couldn't watch another second. That didn't stop me from finding 5 fantastic things about this show. In fact I am so certain that I've found the top 5 things about the show that I don't ever feel the need to see the show again. Without further ado, here you go.

5: Walker, Texas Ranger, can find and rescue you based solely on the description that you are "in the middle of the city, near a fountain," even after you have run from that spot to a deserted loading dock blocks away. Texas Ranger training is very, very good.

4: The above precise location description was given by an exploited Mexican alien I'll refer to as Sue-Sue. After Sue-Sue runs away from a pimp and the John that rips her dress at her "first" forced hooking job, she loses her shoes and makes her way to a pay phone. She then calls her sister-in-law for help. Fortuitously, the sister-in-law just so happens to be Walker, Texas Ranger's waitress, and she answers the phone with a hearty "you're in America!" It might seem odd that this woman has the phone number to the restaurant her husband's sister works at, but she clears that up first thing in this desperate call for help by saying that her husband gave her the number before they left Mexico. And obviously she memorized it. The phone number to her husband's sister's place of work. Unbelievable, right? I mean who uses a pay phone?

3: The blue screen really brings out Chuck's eyes, don't you think?

2: Chuck Norris sing-talks the theme song. Really. Give it a listen. Also, one of the lyrics is "when you're in Texas look behind you, because that's where the ranger's gonna be." Shudder.

1: Walker, Texas Ranger, wears a snazzy sweater-jacket. Now if anyone can rock a sweater-jacket, it's this chick, but that doesn't stop Chuck Norris from giving it a go. Maybe he even knitted it himself. I just wish I had a screen shot for you, but you will have to use your imagination.

I know this show isn't currently running (right?), but I think it's pretty clear that Chuck Norris was doing everything he possibly could to get someone to try to kick his ass. Once those Chuck Norris "facts" came to light he probably had a hell of a time finding any opponents, worthy or not.

Are you a fan of this show who can identify some better moments? Think I should watch another ten minutes some time? Please let me know in the comments below. And don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and share this post with your friends!

Top 5 Favorite 80s After School Cartoons

2012-02-23T01:11:00.000-05:00

The late-80s was a golden age for after-school television, and I was lucky to be a tween during its peak! Here are the shows that left an indelible imprint on my early-adolescent brain:

5: G. I. Joe - This show had a few things going for it. Specifically, the moral at the end of every episode ("knowing is half the battle"), and better, the bad-ass Cobra Commander/Serpentor story arc. However, it also featured soldiers so inept that they couldn't fire a gun accurately if their lives depended on it, which they didn't since the writers ensured that nobody ever died in this many-years-long war. It was a great show though, and fun to watch.

4: Thundercats - What can I say about this show, other than it was awesome and I'm not sure why. I remember that the series had resolution in the end, and that at least two seasons had finales. I also know that Peter Newman voiced several characters (he's currently Nikolai Jakov in Archer). Ultimately, I think I liked it because of all the sword shows (think He-Man's "by the power of Greyskull" or Voltron's "form blazing sword"), Lion-O's Sword of Omens was my favorite--it just looked cooler...

3: The Real Ghostbusters - The 1984 movie Ghostbusters was a cultural event--everyone saw this film, and just about everyone loved it. So naturally, a cartoon based on the movie was developed. Unfortunately, the rights to the name were controlled by Filmation, which created the instantly-forgettable Ghostbusters cartoon. The ghostbusters from the movie did get their own show, trumping the Filmation bastards with the title The Real Ghostbusters. How good was this show? Early on, it was largely written and edited by J. Michael Straczynski (writer of almost every episode of Babylon 5, and a ton of Spider-Man and other comics) and had Arsenio Hall, Lorenzo Music, and Maurice LaMarche in voice roles.

2: Duck Tales - Let me just say "shut up" to all the macho assholes who won't admit how brilliant this show was. Multi-episode story arcs, continuity, re-tellings of Shakespeare and other references to literature, history, and ancient myth--this show was everything we've come to expect in good "adult" shows now, and this was a cartoon for kids over 20 years ago! Plus, who didn't want to swim through a pool of coins the way old Scrooge McDuck did!

1: Robotech - This was the first show I ever saw in which a main character died. I will never forget seeing Roy Focker (sometimes spelled Fokker) get shot-up in his Veritech Fighter, yet still land, only to die in his girlfriend's apartment after losing too much blood, and well after you thought he'd be okay. Robotech was amazing for other reasons--its multi-generational story narrative, its well-woven and pieced-together tapestry of three separate Japanese shows, its true depiction of all-too-human emotions in times of war--but for me, it was that death, and the ones that followed that made me cry--alone in my grandparents' house--and changed 11-year-old me forever.

Okay, so there are some shows that are obviously missing (Transformers comes to mind right away), but these five made more of a mar in my dumb brain. Bitch about it below, trolls... Or just tell us what your favorite after school show was and why! And don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and share this post with your friends!

Top 5 Most Bad-Ass Guys Ever

2012-02-22T00:10:00.001-05:00

Guest Blogger Eileene offers up today's top 5...

I like badasses. People who don’t give a f*ck and do cool stuff without pretense or expectation. They don’t follow a formula, they usually just go with their gut and do whatever their situation requires. That’s what a badass is. I’m not putting actors on this list, like Steve McQueen, because I don’t think they’re real badasses. They just pretend to be. [Ed. Note: even Clint Eastwood?] The following five people are ones who I think were actually the most badass ever.

Yeah, I'm pretty cool.

5: Charles Lindbergh. I learned about how badass he was from Pawn Stars. Before watching Pawn Stars, I thought Charles Lindbergh was just a run of the mill pilot who flew his little plane across the ocean. However, Rick Harrison on Pawn Stars said that he was only able to do what many others had tried before…but they died in the process. He was the Pilot who Lived. Charles Lindbergh said, “I don’t give a f*ck, I’m gonna fly that plane!” Even though he named his plane the “spirit of St. Louis” which sounds kind of lame, I guess he was pretty cool. Cheers to Mr. Lindbergh.

More f*cking weight.

4: Giles Corey. So the puritans (or whoever it was who killed witches back in the day in Salem) decided to crush Giles Corey until he confessed to being a witch. This was because they could only confiscate his sizeable property from his family if he confessed. They put a lot of rocks on top of him and every time they told him to confess, he just looked at them and said, “more weight.” F*ck you, witch hunters!

Get those prissy hands off me, bitch.

3: Leonidas. The movie 300 pretty much summed up this one. He was one of the most badass guys around. The Persians were coming and tried to take over Sparta. Leonidas only had 300 men because the Powers that Be in Athens didn’t want to help him and his Spartan homies out. Luckily, there were no whiny little bitches in Sparta. Leonidas took his three hundred best guys to the straights of Thermopolyae and fought the Persians off with his bear hands. Arguably, this was influential in preventing the Persian takeover of the western world. Only Spartan women had Spartan men, though!

I do what I want.

2: Edward Teach a.k.a Blackbeard the Pirate. I’ve been a fan of Mr. Teach since my grandparents took me to the Outer Banks when I was a child. It was there where I bought a book about Blackbeard and I read every word of the pirate tome, fascinated by Blackbeard’s exploits. This guy just didn’t give a damn about anything except money, fornicating, and inciting fear in everyone else. He formed pirate gangs, blockaded whatever port he wanted to, and killed and took with abandon. He put dynamite in his beard to scare people, for crying out loud. Blackbeard was the kind of badass the rest of us can only dream about. Let’s pour some out for Edward Teach.

Respect.

1: Tich Quang Duc. Buddhists were being terribly persecuted by the Roman Catholic governent and no-one was doing anything about it. No one seemed to care about the atrocities enacted against the Buddhists until Tich Quang Duc lit himself on fire in protest at the intersection of Phan Đình Phùng Boulevard and Lê Văn Duyệt Street in Saigon. His story is so incredible to me that he has to be the most badass dude ever. Tich was a Buddhist monk who had so much control over his mind and body that he burned himself to death without moving a muscle in protest of the persecution his religion faced. After the act, worldwide attention was turned to the situation in South Vietnam and the Roman Catholic government was eventually toppled. Unfortunately a lot of Tibetans are self-immolating too in protest of the Chinese government’s treatment of their country. This is not getting a lot of media attention. We should all be grateful that we live in a society where this type of action is not needed to bring about the changes we seek. Hat’s off to Tich Quang Duc.

Who do you think is the biggest real-life badass? Share your thoughts below and don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and share this post with your friends! (And check out Eileen's previous posts here!)

Top 5 Favorite Seinfeld Moments

2012-02-21T00:05:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger Christie offers up today's top 5...

Everyone who watches Seinfeld has their favorite moments. Some are more popular than others, (The Contest is a perfect example) and most have made it into someone’s top whatever list over the years. My personal favorite moments are not necessarily those that full episodes revolved around, but things that may have happened during the episodes (with the exception of one scene that an episode was named after, because it is so classic). Anyway, here are my personal favorite Top 5 moments on Seinfeld:

5: The Pony. Jerry at a family dinner makes the mistake of rambling about how he hates ponies and the kids who had them. Unbeknownst to him, his aunt had one back in Poland. The scene is like a train-wreck. It’s so uncomfortably funny that you don’t want to look and don’t want to miss it all at the same time. “Who thinks an immigrant is ever gonna have a pony?” [Ed. note: Had trouble getting the Youtube embedded for this one--click on the name for the clip.]

4: Jerry tries to kill George. It’s a quick scene. And yet every time I see it, I crack up. George is in the hospital and asks Jerry to kill him but not thinking that Jerry would take him seriously. Jerry’s serial-killer like mannerisms are fantastic. (Any idea what language that closed-captioning is?)

3: Pigman. Leave it to Kramer to find a half-man-half-pig while on a visit to the hospital to see a friend’s new baby. He makes it his mission to set the Pigman free as only Kramer can! “The government has been experimenting with the Pigman since the 50’s!!!”

2: Overture! Jerry breaking out into the Looney Tunes theme song in full tux is to me, one of the finest moments in the show. “It’s so sad that all of your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.” When Elaine said that to Jerry I thought, "Hey! That’s how a lot of us were exposed to the great classic works!!!" Don’t diss the Bugs.

1: Look to the cookie Elaine! While at a bakery buying a cake (um, pardon me, Babka) for a dinner party they are attending, Jerry equates the famous large black and white cookies to an argument for race relations. He waxes poetic on how the two sit side by side and get along just as it should be in life. Unfortunately, the cookie backfires on him and his stomach ends up feeling as if he has, “Dukes and Farrakhan down there.” Thus ending his no-vomit streak.

There are of course other moments I would’ve loved to put in here. In the cookie episode there is the famous cinnamon monologue that is simply awesome. And another favorite is the "Pez dispenser." Picking just five is almost painful from a show filled with classic, comic gems.

What scenes stand out for you? There are of course the obvious "Soup Nazi" and "Puffy Shirt" episodes. However, it is the little things that provide the reason we still watch it endlessly on reruns. Share your favorites below, and don't forget to "like" our new Facebook page and share this post with your friends! (And check out Christie's other guest posts here.)

Top 5 Reasons Roto-Rooter Sucks

2012-02-20T00:05:00.000-05:00

I've been having a weird thing happen with my toilets--one won't flush and another flushes on its own every few hours. I haven't been able to figure it out (which isn't shocking, since I have no plumber training), so I called Roto-Rooter. It seemed like a normal thing to do. They promised to arrive Sunday (yesterday) between 11:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. ...and here's why they suck:

5: There is no need to call me at noon to tell me my plumber is running late but will still be on time for me. That means he isn't running late. I can't read anyone's mind, and had no idea his earlier job is taking longer than expected. You gave me a window--if he shows up in the window, he's on time.

4: Speaking of windows, they are supposed to take "unanticipated" delays into account. That's the point. If there were never delays, you could give an exact time, but since things get delayed in the plumbing game, you give a window to allow a cushion for these unanticipated delays. You anticipate them. A window is pointless if you don't arrive within it, and a call to advise you'll be late is pointless if the call comes outside the window.

3: Calling to tell me the plumber will be on time is pointless. Calling back to say he'll be late after he's already late is just bad form. Calling back again to advise he'll be at least an additional two hours late is just unacceptable. I had plans, I had to change the plans, and eventually I had to cancel the plans. Thanks Roto-Rooter.

2: When I have a coupon for 10% off, and you offer to give me 10% off for my trouble after I complain about the delay, you aren't offering me anything. When you call back to announce further delays, and you offer me the same 10% discount that you were "noting in my account," it's insulting.

1: Speaking of pricing, I have a friend who's a very good (and high-end) plumber. I had a clogged drain a while back and asked him if he'd recommend someone in the area (he's an hour away and it seemed silly to ask him to drive down to help). He recommended Roto-Rooter since it was a simple problem that any plumber could resolve, and I shouldn't pay a plumber's full rates to handle it. After I told him what Roto-Rooter was charging, he said he needed to raise his rates. And he's a high-end plumber!

Roto-Rooter, I would only call you for simple jobs. Since you can't even be bothered to show up for those, I'm calling a FAIL. You'll never see business from me again.

Ever have a lousy experience with Roto-Rooter, or anything like this (come on Cablevision customers, step up)? Share your experiences below, and don't forget to "like" our page on Facebook!

Sunday musings... Our Facebook Page!

2012-02-19T00:05:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note that the Kooz Top 5 is on Facebook!

Click here to check us out and "like" our Facebook page!!!

Also, it's been about half a year, and we're finally getting our act together--in addition to trying to make you laugh (or think) every day, we are going to be doing it in a prettier fashion. Soon, we will have a new layout to make your favorite morning waste of time even wastier!

Top 5 Reasons Star Trek is Better than Star Wars

2012-02-18T00:02:00.001-05:00

Space; the final frontier--but whose frontier is better? That of Star Trek or Star Wars? I previously examined the top 5 arguments in favor of Star Wars. In this post, I look at the arguments for Star Trek.

We all know what happens to Carrie Fisher.

5: The ugliest hot green chick is hotter than the most scantily clad slave Leah.

4: Which android would you rather have on your team--one who looks human, has super-human strength, and knows just about everything? Or a chicken-shit, shiny whiner with a terrible accent who pals around with an electronic trash can?

3: Holodecks; 'nuff said.

"Look how awesome I am."

"F*ck you, Akbar."

"It's a trap!"

2: In Star Trek you have Captains Kirk and Picard; in Star Wars you have Admiral Akbar--an abomination, the result of a human/squid pairing.

Hot brother on sister action!

1: There's less asthma and incest in Star Trek. (Sorry Star Wars nerds, thank Darth Vader and Luke/Leah.)

So there you go. You've got my arguments for both sides, but if I had to choose, I'd choose Star Trek over Star Wars. Honestly, the human stories thrill me more than the traditional hero epic. I've read too much Joseph Campbell for Star Wars to do it for me. But man, Solo and Boba Fett are cool, and lightsabers are pretty dope too.

Top 5 Things That Sucked This Morning

2012-02-17T07:22:00.000-05:00

It's one of those mornings...

5: I woke up to crying. My two-year-old got up at 6:30. That sucks because it was late enough in the morning for me to not go back to sleep, but earlier than I usually get up. Now both of us are going to be cranky all day.

4: I thought it was Saturday. Ever do this? Things don't seem so bad, then you realize you miscalculated and have to go to work! Ugh.

3: I ran out of regular coffee and am left with eggnog or spiced pumpkin. These may do it for you, but there's a reason why the Thanksgiving and Christmas flavors are still kicking around in my house in February.

2: It's raining out, which means the commute to work is going to take a lot longer, since New Yorkers can't seem to figure out how to operate in drizzle. Oh, and I have no umbrella--it broke last time it rained, and I didn't get a new one since it was winter and I didn't think I'd need one until spring.

1: I forgot to bring the garbage out to the curb last night. We have garbage pick-up once a week, and our can is so full that we have additional bags in our garage (we had a party--we don't usually generate this much trash). Now this will all need to wait until next Thursday night, and stink up my place in the meantime.

One more thing that isn't specific to this morning--my wife's side of the family is going on a cruise next week to celebrate a big family event; my side of the family is currently on a cruise celebrating a different family event. We were invited to join both sides, but had to decline both and have no vacation in sight. But hey, at least it's Friday and a long weekend. Things could be worse.

How was your morning? Good or bad, let us know below. And happy Friday!

Top 5 Bad-ass Clint Eastwood Roles

2012-02-16T00:55:00.000-05:00

Kooz and Guest Blogger Jessica Snow team up to offer today's Top 5...

"I'm Clint Eastwood. Go f*ck yourself." - (not) Clint Eastwood

How bad-ass is Clint Eastwood? Before Chuck Norris goes to sleep at night, he checks under his bed for Clint Eastwood. Here are Clint's most kick-ass roles...

5: Frank Kowalski (Gran Torino, 2008) - The man is 78 years old, and still a bad-ass--or a cranky old racist; it's hard to tell in this movie--either way, he'll still give you a beating.

4: Frank Corvin (Space Cowboys, 2000) - Clint plays a retired USAF pilot and engineer who is the only person who can disarm a dangerous nuclear Soviet satellite. Long story short, eh heads into space with his old crew (of old guys) and a young crew of astronauts (with whom the old guys fight). In the end, Clint saves the day by being a heroic (yet atypical) bad-ass.

3: Josie Wales (The Outlaw Josey Wales, 1976) - In this Western, Clint is bent on revenge for the brutal murder of his wife and son. In his journeys, he encounters several people who join him as travelling companions. He also encounters countless (literally--there were so many I lost count) other people whom he kills.

2: Will Munny (Unforgiven, 1992) - Clint plays a former gunslinger who makes one last run at some cash by killing a couple of cowboys who cut up a prostitute. Throughout the movie, we learn he's a reformed sinner--his reputation is that of a killer, but he seems to regret any misdeeds in the past. At the end of the movie we learn just how true the stories are, and see just how far the sheriff and town have caused him to fall. Two quotes stick out: "That's right. I've killed women and children. I've killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you did to Ned." -and- "All right, I'm coming out. Any man I see out there, I'm gonna shoot him. Any sumbitch takes a shot at me, I'm not only gonna kill him, but I'm gonna kill his wife, all his friends, and burn his damn house down."

1: Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry, 1971) - Clint utters the most famous bad-ass line ever written for the big screen: "I know what you're thinking: 'did he fire six shots or only five?' Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself one question: 'do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

Top 5 Lyrics by Dirty Old Men (and a Woman)

2012-02-15T00:12:00.001-05:00

Musicians are free to bend a lot of rules--Bob Marley smoked blunts on stage, Sinatra was tied to the mob, and Tupac shot a guy (or not, but that's pretty much a rapper staple, no?). Occasionally, singers cross a line. Submitted for your approval, five inappropriate songs about jailbait.

5: Joan Jett & the Blackhearts (I Love Rock N Roll) - "Saw him dancin' there by the record machine; knew he must've been about 17..." She goes on to say she could tell it wouldn't be long until he was "with her"... That could mean something dirty, but although this is less than wholesome, it's not jail-worthy.

4: The Beatles (I Saw Her Standing There) - "She was just 17, if you know what I mean..." We do, but since the song goes on to talk about dancing with her, we'll wink, nod, and STFU.

3: Ringo Starr (You're 16 (You're Beautiful, and You're Mine)) - The title is all you need to know. Ringo was in his mid-thirties when he recorded this in 1974. Okay, Ringo's isn't the original version, but since he's already on this list (at #4--yeah, he's the Beatle that everyone forgets), we know what he's into.

2: Winger (Seventeen) - "She's only 17, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me." Whose daddy? If Winger's, then maybe he's 17 or younger and this is all okay. However, I suspect I'm wrong, and Winger is all about the statutory...

1: Bell Biv Devoe (Do Me!) - "Backstage, underage; adolescent, "how you 'doin?" "Fine." She replied, and I decided I'd like to do the wild thing. Action took place, (hey) kind of like, (come on) don't forget the "j" the "i" the "m" the "m" the "y" y'all, I need a body bag." "Jimmy" and "body bag" are synonyms for condom, and the "wild thing" is a euphemism for sex. Work it out. BBD should be in jail.

Dedicated to R. Kelly, which is ridiculous. And sad. But at least this is funny. So you do you know of others? If so, please share them below... And please, share this on Facebook or Twitter if you've enjoyed the post!

Top 5 Creepiest Antique Valentines

2012-02-14T00:05:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day! You may think this is a Hallmark holiday, but the tradition of sending Valentines goes back a long way. I love searching the interwebs for old Valentine's Day cards. Here are my five favorite unintentionally creepy antique Valentines.

5: "To my Valentine"--this is what you get for dropping all those hearts, bitch.

4: I love you so much. Let's get fried up and eaten by a fat tourist at a truck stop diner. It's like Romeo and Juliet, only tastier!

3: Holy Jeebus! Get this girl some ointment, and keep her away from that guy she likes!

2: "I'm out hunting for a Valentine. Are you game?" If I say yes, are you going to shoot me? You've got that crazed look in your eyes.

1: Really? I'd "veal" much better if you didn't kill that bloody baby cow.

And here's your Valentine's Day bonus--the Krampus, who usually follows St. Nick at Christmas and punishes bad children makes a special appearance in this card to skewer a few hearts. Guess he's been told "no" a few times...

Share your best (or worst) Valentine's Day memories below, and if you enjoyed this post, please share it on Facebook or Twitter!

Top 5 Uses for Phone Booths

2012-02-13T00:05:00.000-05:00

It's 2012; we haven't needed a phone booth since last millennium, yet there are still phone booths--why? Here are a few reasons.

Did you know that Superman's original profession was "male escort"? Fact! (Ed.: Not a fact.)

5: Super Hero Changing Room - Now that nobody is using phone booths, Superman never has to worry about not donning his tights in time to catch the baby that Lex Luthor threw from the top of some Metropolis building.

Photo credit: Metro.co.uk. If you watch closely, you can see her PIN.

4: Cash Machines (ATMs) - In Britain, there are these cool, red phone boxes. The locals like the looks of them and rather than let them go the way of the Dodo, they are welcoming entrepreneurs who are repurposing the phone booths to fit ATMs.

3: Car Charging Stations - In Spain, specifically Madrid, Barcelona, and Seville, yet another repurposing may happen. The government is considering converting 30 phone booths into charging stations for electric cars.

2: Cell Phone Booth - Honestly, most people are still using the phone booths as phone booths, only they aren't paying for the privilege. Anyone without a bluetooth earpiece knows it's impossible to hear a conversation on a cell phone in Manhattan. Phone booths are still all over the place--problem solved.

1: Urinals - The most popular use for a phone booth that I've seen (literally--I really have seen this in person) is as a urinal. To stupid, stinking drunk people, phone booths give the illusion of privacy, so hammered, uninhibited morons have no issue dropping their pants and "making water." (We all know it's not water. Gross.) I'm not going to add a picture, but I will link to one which is borderline NSFW.

So there you have it, reason enough to keep phone booths around. At least they allow the Doctor to be somewhat inconspicuous... (Don't worry if you don't get it.) Can you think of any better uses for old phone booths? Share below! And don't forget, the biggest compliment you can pay this blog is sharing it with your friends on Facebook or Twitter!

Top 5 Best Steve Martin Movies

2012-02-11T00:05:00.000-05:00

Steve Martin is one of my favorite comedians. His stand-up is witty and his sketches and movies are usually brilliantly clever and funny. It's really tough to narrow it down, but here's the top 5 Steve Martin movies.

5: Leap of Faith (1992) - Maybe my favorite (but not the best) on the list, this movie is based (in part) on the expose of televangelist Peter Popoff by Johnny Carson and James Randi. Martin is a Christian evangelist whose bus breaks down in a one-horse town. He and his crew are stuck, so they decide to make the most of the situation by scheduling some revivals. Things go great until a skeptical sheriff forces Martin into more ridiculous "miracles" and signs.

4: Father of the Bride (1991) - Martin's daughter (and best friend) is getting married (and leaving him behind). This movie is cute, really funny, and touching.

3: Roxanne (1987) - Martin plays a fire chief with an enormous nose who falls in love with a local gal who is herself falling for a dumb-but-handsome firefighter serving under Martin. Martin feeds this dummy lines and makes his love fall in love with the dummy. She eventually learns the truth, and... no spoilers. This has the added bonus of having been written by Martin as well.

2: Three Amigos! (1986) - Martin teams up with Chevy Chase and Martin Short as actors who play the Three Amigos--typical white-hat cowboys in a series of films. Finding themselves falling on hard times, they take an in-person gig down in Mexico, but get more than they bargained for when they discover the townspeople mistook the movies for real life, the Amigos for real heroes, and are expecting real saviors from the dreaded El Guapo. There are a ton of great skits and one-liners from this movie, but not as many as from...

1: The Jerk (1979) - Steve Martin is at his funniest playing this idiot who stumbles into great fortune, great misfortune, and great fortune again, while finding love (and his "special purpose") along the way. Things that make me lol: "He hates these cans!"; "I'm picking out a thermos for you..."; and "Bring us some fresh wine, the freshest you've got--no more of this old stuff!"

Yeah, there are a bunch of really good movies that didn't make the list. I was very torn on a few, but had to make my cut. Argue for your missing favorite in the comments below...

Top 5 Funniest Baseball Cards I Owned

2012-02-10T00:33:00.000-05:00

So there might be funnier baseball cards (and if there are, please link to them in the comments), but these are the funniest cards I owned. (Note the past tense--the only one I still have kicking around is #1, because it's rad.)

Bo knows baseball cards.

5: Bo Jackson (Score, 1990) - This one is less funny than it is cool. Bo knew football and baseball--the two-sport athlete made a big splash in the short time he played. "Short time," you ask? Yeah, Bo also knew how to sustain a career-ending (football) and career-shortening (baseball) injury from a routine tackle.

Much like Wes Welker, Nolan's receivers couldn't catch his 100 mph passes.

4: Nolan Ryan (Upper Deck, 1989) - Wait... Something looks wrong here...

I'm a chicken! Bock, bock.

3: San Diego Chicken (Donruss, 1983) - Most teams don't have mascots. It sort of cheapens the game. The San Diego Padres, however, embrace their chicken. He was popular enough to get his own baseball card, despite leading the league in pratfalls and never, ever reaching base safely.

"Weird" Pete Ladd was less catchy than the polish name he ultimately settled on.

2: Pete Ladd (Topps, 1986) - When he wasn't pitching for the Mariners, he was recording parodies of Michael Jackson hits as Weird Al Yankovic.

His teammates were dicks.

1: Bill Ripken (Fleer, 1989) - Just click on the image and look at the knob of the bat. Best. Card. Ever. (No, I didn't draw it on--his teammates were playing a prank.)

Somehow, I got all 5 major card companies from my youth into the list! Anyway, did you collect baseball cards as a kid? What were some of your favorites?

Top 5 Henges that aren't Stonehenge

2012-02-09T01:22:00.002-05:00

In Neolithic Britain, a 1,000 years before any of Egypt's pyramids were built, humans built gigantic stone monuments (okay, not always stone, but often). You know what Stonehenge is, but I'll be you've never heard of these...

5: Maumbury Rings, Dorset - The Romans used these ruins as an amphitheater. The ruins were 2,500 years old at the time.

4: Woodhenge, Wiltshire - Stone markers stand where 168 wooden pylons once rose into the air, the wood having long-since deteriorated. A body of a child was buried in the center. Nobody knows why...

3: Stanton Drew, Somerset - Several stone circles (the largest being 113 meters in diameter) where human bones and a bronze serpent ring have been found. Legend has it that the devil turned a wedding party to stone after getting them to dance in a circle by playing his fiddle. I guess the devil went down to Somerset (wokka wokka).

2: Avebury, Wiltshire - Three stone circles, including Europe's largest, dating back about 4,600 years. One archaeologist believes this was built to appease nature's malevolence.

1: Ring of Brodgar, Orkney - 60 stones (27 remaining) set in a circular ditch and put there between 2500 and 2000 BCE. It's ancient, it isn't well-understood, and it's beautiful. It's also Scottish, making it the only henge on this list not found in England.

...And you thought Stonehenge was unique. See, you learned something today! Ever been to one of these sites? Share your comments below.

Top 5 Mitchell and Webb Sketches (Just Watch Them)

2012-02-08T00:05:00.000-05:00

If you haven't discovered That Mitchell and Webb Look, consider yourself enlightened. This British sketch comedy show is the funniest on television, far surpassing SNL, Whitest Kids U' Know, and the rest. Just watch the clips.

5: Brain Surgeon - Smug bastard gets what's coming to him.

4: Homeopathic Hospital - People actually believe this stuff--but would they want to rely on pseudoscience in an emergency?

3: S.S. Soldiers - A couple of Nazi's realizing just what side they're on.

2: Toothbrush Company - Marketing brilliance--what really goes on in ad agencies...

1: Cooking Reality Show - If you've ever watched Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, you'll laugh your ass off at this.

If you've seen these guys, share your favorite clip below. If you've never heard of them before, let's hear your reaction!

Top 5 Favorite Cities I've Lived In

2012-02-07T00:05:00.000-05:00

I've lived in a few different places, and I'm guessing you have too. here are the best places I've lived--take a look then add your favorite city you've called home to the comments below!

5: Bridgeport, CT - I grew up here. Yeah, it's a little ghetto, but I have a lot of roots laid down in the place, and this list wouldn't feel right without it. If I leave out the times I was jumped for trick-or-treat candy, or had guns pulled on me by Latin Kings, it was a pretty groovy place!

4: Stamford, CT - It's close enough to New York City to have good restaurants and a lively downtown area, but far enough that I can afford to live in a nice house in a good neighborhood. It's crazy how priorities change...

3: Indianapolis, IN - I remember two things about my time in Indy: (1) I played beerpong every weekend and most weeknights in the beerpong room below my bedroom, and (2) every year there was a big race, which served as an excuse to drink (because I needed one).

2: Hoboken, NJ - When I lived here, in my mid-20s, there was a bar on every corner, and amazing restaurants on every block. It was paradise... (Until someone broke into my apartment through the fire escape--that part sucked.)

1: Rochester, NY - I lived here for two years, and every summer weekend--literally--there was a street fair somewhere. Plus, this place has Dinosaur BBQ, Nick Tahou's Hots (home of the garbage plate), and the 10 Ugly Men festival. What more could you want?

I was tempted to make this list "lived or worked in" just to include Manhattan, NY, but ultimately decided that was a cheat. Also, thought about changing it to "In Which I've Lived" to ease the minds of the grammar nerds, but decided to flip 'em the bird. What's the best city/town you've ever lived in and why? I really appreciate your comments, and would love to see some here.

Top 5 Most Annoying Celebrity Chefs

2012-02-06T00:50:00.002-05:00

We previously tackled the best celebrity chefs, and had a hard time narrowing down the list to 5. Picking the 5 worst celebrity chefs was much easier--there are only about 7 to choose from, three of which are awful, which really makes it a 4-way battle for the final two slots... And the winners(?) are:

"Paula hungry!" [photo credit: examiner.com]

5: Paula Deen - She seems nice, really, but she wants to kill you with food. But don't take my word for it, Anthony Bourdain recently called her the "worst, most dangerous person in America."

"Like what you see, sailor?"

4: Robert Irvine - He looks like he could kick my ass, which may be why he's back on the air despite having lied on his resume to The Food Network and telling them he used to cook for the queen, and other falsehoods. That's enough to get him on the list, but add to it that his recent show Restaurant: Impossible is a complete ripoff of Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares, only not done as well.

I have to use a decent picture, because Sandra Lee is apparently a vengeful god.

3: Sandra Lee - She is probably nice and does good stuff for people in need, but as a celebrity chef, she sucks. Her name sounds suspiciously like Sarah Lee, and her cooking isn't too far from it either. Her show is Semi-Homemade, in which she takes pe-made food, adds a thing or two, then declares an amazing cookery win for herself. If you make a cake from a box, beating in a bit of oil and an egg or two, you do exactly as much cooking/baking as this talentless hack.

"Kirk to Enterprise, one to beam from the restaurant." [photo credit: njmonthly.com]

2: Bobby Flay - Ego alert. This jerk thinks he is god's gift to cooking. Somehow, this charisma-free dope became the poster boy for The Food Network. In his show Throwdown! With Bobby Flay, he tricks chefs and bakers into thinking they are having a Food Network feature about them, then he surprises them in front of a crowd and challenges them to a cook-off of their specialty (which he has spent a week modifying). In this ego trip disguised as a show, Flay consistently shows that he is the best at making everything in the world. He also completely dropped the ball in his big network break, NBC's America's Next Great Restaurant, in which he didn't understand several of the restaurant ideas, and didn't develop other due again to his enormous ego. He finally chose to develop the "healthy soul food" concept. Yeah, that's a winner--nice insight.

Everything about this guys screams, "Asshole"!

1: Rocco Dispirito - This smug asshole was an up-and-coming chef who allowed "stardom" to go to his head. He starred in the reality show The Restaurant, which serves as an excellent template for opening a restaurant and immediately causing it to fail. Some jackass over at Bravo gave him another bite at the apple with his show Rocco's Dinner Party which, to my knowledge, has not yet been cancelled. In this show, Rocco is a jerk to chefs who cook for him, then he sends one home with some money. I don't know, he's just an asshole.

Are you as sick of these cooking reality shows as I am? Are there any more "how to cook shows"? Seems like everything is a competition or a "let's visit some random place and pretend their burgers are amazing"-type show. Share your thoughts or frustrations below, or let me know who I left off the list!

Sunday musings... Kids' parties.

2012-02-05T15:16:00.001-05:00

Had a birthday party for my oldest who turned 2 today. Mostly family, then some close friends who have kids (figured the kidless ones generally wouldn't want to come). Pizza and cake, and by 2:30, my son was exhausted. He didn't open presents until after a bunch of people left, and only opened ones from those folks who stuck around.
My question is, was that okay? On one hand, I understand people get a gift because they want to see the kid open it. On the other, the kid is 2 and barely made it through half the gifts before needing a nap. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, so please weigh-in below...

Top 5 Geek Credentials

2012-02-03T00:09:00.000-05:00

I covered my nerd credentials in an earlier, post, but upon having been informed that a "geek" is its own thing by commenter Kevin (who called me out here), I feel I need to bust out my geek creds too.

5: I know what PEBKAC stands for.

4: I know the difference between a virus, a worm, and a trojan. (link to other blog)

3: My hard drive crashed; I ended up purchasing multiple pieces of hardware, tools, and software, and ultimately removed my hard drive, hooked it up to some hardware connected to another computer, and recovered everything salvageable. I did this with no assistance, other than from Google.

2: I have over 30 different passwords, most consisting of letters, numbers, and characters in random order, for a variety of different computer accounts--not counting passwords I need for work.

1: I have a blog, and I update it daily.

So what's the difference between a geek and a nerd? I don't know. For some reason, my dumb brain associates geeks with computers and nerds with comic books. Everything else sorta sorts itself from there. So what are a you--a geek? A nerd? I know you're not a cool kid, because if you were, you wouldn't be reading this... We love comments and feedback, so please share below!

Top 5 Annoying NYC Money-Making Street Scams

2012-02-02T07:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I took the train into Manhattan and made the 20 minute walk to my office. In that short walk I came across a bunch of people trying to make a buck--all somewhat annoying. Here are the five worst.

5: "I need to get home." - In Grand Central Station, a person approached me, a bit embarrassed and maybe a little frantic, and explained that she needed to get home, but her purse was stolen and she has no money. She wanted to know if I could help by buying her a train ticket or giving her some money to buy one? There are a lot of holes in this story, but the biggest is one she didn't count on--I recognized her as the lady who tried to sell me the same story a week earlier. (Realize that ticket lines are often long, so nobody is going to wait around to buy her a ticket... Get it?)

4: "Just a penny." - I want to help the homeless. I donate old coats, clothes, food, and money. I occasionally give an individual cash or food on the street (in rare circumstances). Some people have set up boxes where thy stand and ask people for donations to help the homeless. They are there every day and are very persistent. Turns out, they are the homeless person the money they collect is going to. It strikes me as a lot of work, and it appears worth it--their boxes fill up by the end of the day. I don't know if it's really lucrative, but it strikes me that their time could be better spent.

3: Selling CDs - I passed by a bunch of guys who were handing CDs to passers-by. Handouts are common in NYC--on almost every corner someone is giving you a menu or coupon or advertisement or free sample. You learn to walk right past. Tourists don't, and are inundated with crap. These CD guys hand the CDs out, people (mostly tourists) take them, then these CD guys come after the and charge them $10 for the CD! Outrageous and obnoxious! The CDs are of these very guys rapping or singing. I told one, "I don't want to listen to you now--I certainly don't at home." He backed off--there are easier targets.

Is this terrifying? It is to me.

2: Muppets - There are a bunch of people at different places who dress in old, ragged Elmo and Grover costumes and take pictures (for cash) with tourist's kids. The costumes are really gross. I didn't take a picture yesterday, but if I bump into them again, I'll add a snapshot to this post. Nasty. [Update: Lo and behold, I found a creepy Elmo! Picture now attached.]

1: "Do you like to laugh?" - The worst handouts are comedy tickets. That's right, people will come up to you and ask if you lke to laugh. You say, "of course," then you are stuck listening to this guy (or gal) go on about the free comedy show tonight. They want to give you free tickets, get your info, and confirm that you'll be there. In reality, they are the budding comedians, and whether or not they're funny, there is a two-drink minimum at the show (and the drinks aren't cheap). As I ignored the guy yesterday and read my book, he chose the strategy of getting my attention by reading my book cover out loud. Huh? What was that supposed to accomplish? I didn't look up.

Maybe I'm a cynical jerk for making these comments. Usually I just shut-up and accept it as part of working in the greatest city on Earth. Today I thought it would make a good top 5. Use the comments to share what you think, or to tell us whether you've ever encountered any crazy money-making scams on the street.

Top 5 Best Star Trek: Enterprise Characters

2012-02-01T01:33:00.001-05:00

Through the magic of Netflix, I recently watched all of Star trek: Enterprise in a relatively short time. The show was pretty mediocre overall, but there were a few good, and maybe some stand-out performances, which are the topic of today's post.

Wanna "mind meld," if ya know what I mean..."

5: T'Pol (Jolene Blalock) - She is here because this is a top 5 list, otherwise I would have included 1-4 and stopped there. But while we're on the topic of T'Pol. let me say this: I've read a lot about how Jolene Blalock was terrible in this role. They talk of how she was so emotional (Vulcans are supposed to hide their emotions) and how she was brought in to be sexy (then these same complainers point out that she isn't sexy because she's too thin and artificial looking). I'll step up and defend her performance. I thought T'Pol was a fine character. Nothing special, but just, well, fine. She didn't detract form the show (and given this cast, that's saying a lot!).

Stop calling me "Al"!

4: Colonel Grat (Dean Stockwell) - First, Dean Stockwell has acting chops. Second, he has sci-fi credibility (he starred in Quantum Leap with the Captain of this Enterprise, Scott Bakula, and later had a major recurring role on Battlestar Galactica). It was great to see him and Bakula back together, and unfortunate that the writers never found a way to work him back into the show.

In this mirror world I'm injured and much, much cooler.

3: Mirror-Universe "Trip" Tucker (Connor Trinneer) - I found the Trip Tucker character annoying throughout the run of the show. Was he supposed to be smart or dumb? Tough or a wimp? An engineer, a hick, or both? He never made sense (probably the writers' fault--I didn't think the acting was particularly bad). But in the mirror universe he was bad-ass (probably because his face got all messed up, making him him die a little on the inside).

Yeah, they made me wear this stupid make-up, but I made the best of it.

2: Phlox (John Billingsley) - This is the first ship's doctor who acted like a doctor and didn't rely on technobabble to fake his way through it. He was also the only one on the ship who seemed to understand the point of traveling around in the Star Trek universe and didn't act like a complete idiot just because circumstances of the ship/crew changed (e.g., under attack, poisoned, kidnapped, etc.). He was just chill pretty much through the whole show.

I am blue and have antennae. Campy, ain't I!

1: Thy'lek Shran (Jeffrey Combs) - The "Andorians" are about as hokey 60s sci-fi as it gets, with their blue skin and antennae, but Combs owned this role--he played it so well that I took his character seriously, even when looking like a cartoon character. By the end of the series, I was mostly tuning episodes out, but when I heard Combs, I immediately focused in. It's too bad they didn't use him more.

Okay, so the series was not very good, and the acting was, at times, pretty bad, but I really, really liked 1 and 2, and thought 3 and 4 did well in their roles. Did anyone watch this show? Can anybody out there even leave a comment? (I'd love it if you could!)

Top 5 Pee Wee Herman Moments

2012-01-31T00:05:00.000-05:00

Paul Reubens, best known for his Pee Wee Herman character, is a cultural icon. Here are some of the reason why:

5: Pee Wee is watching his appearance in the movie based on his life, and he gets his big line: "Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. P. W. Herman you have a telephone call."

4: Pee Wee got caught, peewee in hand in an adult theater. For quite some time after, he was the butt of many a joke. For a lesser man, it would have been a career killer. Pee Wee appeared in front of a huge crowd on MTV; after the applause died down, he simply said: "Heard any good jokes lately?"

3: So this happens, then Pee Wee walks into a diner and says, "Large Marge sent me," and the place grinds to a halt.

2: Tequila! (Check out the look on his face when he knocks over the bikes!)

1: Few remember that Paul Reubens was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie (few may remember there even was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie!). He plays a vampire and he gets staked, leading to the best vampire death ever.

Here's a strong contender for worst Pee Wee moment. Pee Wee, in advance of his Broadway show, made an appearance on WWE's Raw, where it was revealed that he is The Big Show's cousin, and where he feuds briefly with one of the lamest wrestling personalities--The Miz. This is so poorly done, Pee Wee must be embarrassed--and he once got caught "mastering his domain" in a theater--that's some kind of embarassment!

Top 5 Worst "Wines"

2012-01-30T03:19:00.000-05:00

Something triggered a memory from college of drinking really bad (and potent) "wine." Two bucks bought you all the putrid fake-fruit-flavored-rubbing alcohol you could drink from the screw-top bottle. Here are the best ones from what I can recall.

Because people clamor for liquor named after flowers.

5: Wild Irish Rose - The preferred choice for bums.

It will be a cold day in hell before a sommelier notes hints of watermelon.

4: Boone's Farm - There is no way anything resembling a "farm" was involved in the production of the heinous concoction.

It looks like really bad booze.

3: Thunderbird - For the folks who can't afford Boone's...

Not the guy who did "The Thong Song." (PCB 2000, woot!)

2: Cisco - When I was a kid they called this "liquid crack." I'd imagine this is what crack actually tastes like if you mix it with purple "juice."

So many flavors--all gross.

1: MD 20/20 - Mad Dog! Woof! Woof! But did you know that the name actually stands for the name of the company that produces the drink, "Mogen David" (phonetic Yiddish for "shield of David"), and the (former) size and potency of the beverage (20 ounces, 20 proof (or 10% alcohol)).

These are blackout-inducing, so I suspect there won't be many stories people have associated with them, but if you do have a story and would like to share, I'm sure we'll appreciate it!

Sunday musings... Wrestlers.

2012-01-29T12:42:00.002-05:00

I recently sent my friend Jamie this picture of the former WWE wrestler Raven, commenting that he looks homeless.

"Brutha, can you spare a dime?"

Jamie sent back this link, an article about Perry Saturn, a former WWE wrestler who used to be Raven's right-hand-man.

Raven, someone else, Saturn.

The article goes through Saturn's drug problems and eventual homelessness. Oops. I feel like a jerk now.

(Both Raven and Saturn are doing fine right now though--I did a little extra research to be sure.)

Top 5 Favorite Things My 2 Year Old Says

2012-01-28T03:29:00.000-05:00

My two year old is the joy of my life--I love hearing him speak, and I love the little idiosyncrasies to his language. Here are my favorite things that he says (right now).

5: "Upavator." He hates 'em.

4: He says "bum" for "butt" - This may not seem like much to our British fans, but believe me, in the States, it's a coup.

3: He pronounces "robot" as "robit" (stressing the first syllable and swallowing the second) - he sounds like an old Jewish man. It's awesome, and I'm responsible.

2: Every time he wakes up, he says, "Had a nice nap." He says it even if we retrieve him after letting him cry for 20 minutes and he never falls asleep for his nap. It's funny every time.

1: When I ask if he has a dirty diaper and he doesn't, he says, very seriously, "There's no poop in there."

Any of you have kids? What are the funniest things they say? Share below.

Top 5 Annoying Things About the 1:56 a.m. Train

2012-01-27T10:01:00.000-05:00

On the late train after a long day at work... Hate, hate, hate these things.

5: The worst train is running, and I feel every one of the thousands of bumps.

4: It's too late to read (because it will knock me out, and sleeping through my stop is disastrous), but that makes for a very boring trip.

3: There is always someone a seat or two away eating delicious-smelling Mickey-D's. I am hungry.

2: My seat is broken and tilted forward, causing me to work to prevent myself from slipping down to the floor. This gives me a massive wedgie.

1: This guy. He's the loudest guy who's ever ridden the train. He sounded, for the entire trip, like he was talking to his buddy in another car...

Can't wait to find my bed (and be awakened by a screaming, hungry baby about an hour later)...

Top 5 Worst Diseases Ever

2012-01-26T00:05:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger Eileene offers up today's top 5...

I hope I never get any of these. Here's why.

When I was a little kid, I had a sadistic little mind.Therefore I jumped at the opportunity to check out a book at the public libraryabout the five worst pandemics ever to infect mankind. This did not serve me aswell as I would have thought. Since then, I’ve been pretty paranoid aboutstrange infectious diseases and have always thanked my lucky stars I didn’thave this disease or that one. I’m not talking about the strange things peopleare born with, but the diseases that we could catch! Here is a top five list ofthe diseases I hope I never get (and you should to). Let’s all be thankful wedon’t have them.

Person dressed up like a bird. Probably with a pocket full of posies too.

5: Whatever caused the Black Death. Did you know there iscurrently a lot of research that postulates the black death wasn’t actuallycaused by the bubonic plague but a different disease. According to some new mathematical modelingtechniques, it appears that the bubonic plague, while present in Europe at thetime of the black death, was not nearly prevalent enough to have causedit. However, did you know that innorthern Europe there is a subset of the population that is immune to theHIV? It’s because of mutations caused intheir genes passed down the generations since the black death! One thing is for certain though, whether ornot it was bubonic plague that caused the black death, I hope I never evercatch what it was.

Yeah, it's not somewhere you want to go.

4: Leprosy. Eversince I read about leprosy (now called Hansen’s disease) and getting sent offto leper colonies (Hansen’s Disease Communities) I’ve been uber grateful I donot have leprosy. Watching Kingdom ofHeaven didn’t help this phobia either because after seeing King Baldwin ofJerusalem’s face after he died from leprosy scarred me for life. I still remember having an argument with mycousin when I was about 10 that God didn’t really give people leprosy to punishthem because it was spread through the air (I learned this from my book). She maintained that God indeed gave leprosyto people to punish them because it was in the Bible and if I was bad, I'd getit too... She also believed God planteddinosaur fossils to test the true believer. Needless to say, I got my distrust of authority attitude at a youngage. I’ll expand on this one on a laterday, though.

Do you see what happens, Larry?

3: Polio. Somepeople with polio ended up living in an iron lung. That would be a very boring life. Possibly worse than living in a bubble orhaving locked in syndrome. You’re alsoalways dependent on people and electricity to survive. I try to never be dependent on anyone else,so being in an iron lung wouldn't match my personality. Not in the slightest. See the case of this poor woman who died whenthe electricity at her house failed, and the backup generator didn’t workeither. Her family also was too slow touse the hand pump for the iron lung so she died. Read more here.

This monkey might give you Ebola.

2: Ebola. Youbasically hemorrhage all of your organs and tissues that are supposed to besolid and in your body out of your orifices. I hope I never get this. Interesting tidbit: Some researchers believe the black death may havebeen caused by a similar disease to Ebola. Read The Hot Zone for a great bookabout Ebola!

Word.

1: Zombie Apocalypse disease. Let’s all hope we don’t get bitten and catchthe Zombie infection when the ZA happens. I'm pretty sure I'd survive, though. I have a killer ZA survival plan ... and we all know it’s going tohappen.

Let us know what your most feared disease is in the commentsbelow, or simply drop a quick note to let Eileene know what you think! Check out Eileen's blog, Happiness is Excellence, and as always, share with your friends on Facebook!

Top 5 Favorite License Plate Mottos

2012-01-25T03:05:00.000-05:00

Every state has its own license plate motto or slogan (some have several). Here are my favorites (with no overlap of the top 5 interesting state nicknames):

5: "The Iodine Products State" - South Carolina - We all need something to be proud of.

4: "Sounds Good to Me" - Tennessee - Nope; pass.

3: "Vacationland" - Maine - Yeah, not Florida.

2: "World Famous Potatoes" - Idaho - Pretty much lets you know where they're at.

1: "Live Free or Die" - New Hampshire - This sums it all up, doesn't it? Our freedoms are the most important thing we have, and we must guard them jealously.

I don't know about you guys, but I love these. So simple, but so funny. If you could make up your own license plate slogan, what would it be?

Top 5 Worst Psychic Predictions for 2012

2012-01-24T02:22:00.005-05:00

A lot of psychics made ~~guesses~~ predictions for 2012. Here are my favorites (with link to where I found them). Italics below are mine... (Please read these--they are so worth it!)

5: LaMont Hamilton, World Psychic - "Jets, planes, and rockets will be found responsible for holes in the ozone layer and contributing to significant Global Warming." Think he knows that the ozone hole and global warming are not the same thing? "Illness seen around former U.S. Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger this year relating to a heart attack." Is it that far-fetched that an 88 year old would have a heart attack?

4: India Daily - Here's a doozy from "researchers" as published in India Daily in 2005! "The world is getting ready for something spectacular in 2012. According to researchers, the Federation of the Universe representing all the 88 star constellations will officially visit earth in 2012 and reveal themselves. It will bring an end to all UFO cover-ups in various countries." Now that would be a hell of a thing.

3: Sylvia Browne, World Renowned Spiritual Teacher and Psychic - Here are some real winners by the liar from the old Montel Williams show: "President Obama will not get re-elected." Wow, a 1 in 2 chance of being right. High risk! "Economy will pick up, the housing market will make a minor rebound." So, at some point in the year, the "economy will pick up"? And at some point there will be a minor rebound in the housing market--as in, this as a hit unless the housing market goes straight down every moment of every day for the entire year? These predictions are helpful! "East will become the west and west the east, meaning that the weather on both coasts will shift somewhat to mirror each other." Gibberish.

2: Michel Hayek, Famous Lebanese Psychic - His predictions are less "predictions" and more "disjointed statements" that his followers will retrofit into "predictions" to fit any number of things that are likely to occur. Here are some examples, but click the link for the full list: "New spatial truths." Huh? "David Letterman is in danger." Of...? "A heavenly body seen from the Earth." This is the most bizarre one. A star, the sun, the moon, comets, meteors, planets--all are heavenly bodies seen from the Earth. How is this a prediction of anything? It isn't even a sentence!

1: Nikki - Psychic to the Stars - Oh Nikki, Nikki, Nikki. She makes 186 predictions! The old scattershot approach. She claims credit for getting a few things right last year. Wouldn't it be amazing if you could make 186 generalizations and none of them could be interpreted as fulfilled over the course of a year!?! Anyhow, here are some of my favorites of hers: "Animals and birds, wild and domestic, will attack people leading up to the end of 2012." Like they currently do all the time? Got it. I predict people will continue to breathe. "Giant prehistoric Sea Monsters under the sea." Will be found? Will be shown to have never existed? Will be mentioned by a psychic? This isn't even a sentence. "A possible landing of a space ship." No, you are making the prediction--tell us, don't give us "possible." "Breakthroughs in the cures for Leukemia and Chrones Disease." Pretty sure she means "Crohn's." "Earth will fall off its’ axis a little more." Scientifically illiterate. "A hole in the earth’s core." Not a sentence. She also predicts a bunch of terrorist attacks in a variety of places--covering as many bases as she could. Oh, also, "Faith Hill and Trim McGraw to split." Anyone know who is "Trim" McGraw?

We'll revisit at the end of the year and see how they did. And don't forget to check out my predictions and add your own predictions in the comments!

Top 5 Nerd Credentials

2012-01-23T00:20:00.000-05:00

I watch and played football and baseball, I was president of my fraternity, and I went to PCB for Spring Break a few times. I am, however, a double-agent. I lead a not-so-secret life as a nerd (as though any regular reader of the blog couldn't tell). Here are my top 5 nerd credentials... (Note, these are nerd, not geek, creds... Geek creds will come later.)

5: I've been to a Renaissance fair (and called it a "ren fair").

4: I watched anime when it was called "Japanimation."

3: I have seen every episode of Babylon 5, Star Trek, The Twilight Zone, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica (the original and reboot), Robotech (and Macross), and the current Doctor Who series, to name a few.

2: I still own action figures, and I keep them mint in box.

1: I played Dungeons & Dragons before the sets came with a game board and game pieces, and I mourned the passing of Gary Gygax.

Think you can top that? Try it in the comments below.

Sunday musings... The New York Football Giants.

2012-01-22T00:05:00.000-05:00

The Giants over San Francisco, 24-17. I'll be watching with my sons! Add your prediction below.

Oh, and why didn't this get any comments? Did you see it? These are pretty damn funny!

Top 5 Funniest Youtube Memes

2012-01-21T00:59:00.001-05:00

These are my 5 favorite funny things on Youtube...

5: Star Wars Kid - This kid was a Youtube hit before Youtube existed--he was one of the first internet video memes. Countless spoofs of this unfortunate kid were made, and websites devoted to them and him have come and gone. Rumor has it this video ruined his teenage years--yeah, it was this video--nothing else. Poor kid, but we all knew someone like him.

4: Macarron Chacarron - This guy is apparently a popular rapper, but for this song, he had them lay down a beat and he just mumbled gibberish, planning to swap in real words later. The gibberish recording got out, and became an instant classic. This guy became a laughing stock. The song is now used as the track for other Youtube favorites like retarded running giraffe and retarded running horse.

3: Afro Ninja - Another classic. After misfiring with a backflip, his ninja reflexes take over and he nun-chucks for a few seconds before crashing--it's the same effect as a chicken's body running around with its head chopped off.

2: Kitty is a Very Bad Mystic - There is no longer a video for this. All links to it and hosted copies have been removed. This was just hilarious. I have no idea why the owner removed it, unless he was threatened by the cat whose privacy it violated, which is unlikely... except, this cat could talk, so who knows... Anyway, if anyone finds a working link, post it in the comments below.

1: Leprechaun - Oh. My. God. Just watch it.

Tosh.o I ain't, but these make me laugh. Hope you enjoyed them! Please share the links to your favorite Youtube videos in the comments below!

Top 5 Foods You Eat and Cannot Hide

2012-01-20T00:05:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger Sooz offers up today's top 5...

There are certain foods which, if you eat them, will out themselves. Here are the top five worst offenders:

5: Spinach - Haven't you ever watched tv shows or movies? Any rom-com will prove that it is impossible to eat spinach without having a big piece plastered to your front tooth (provided your incredibly attractive ex and/or the boss you desperately hope to impress is within eyesight).

4: Poppy Seeds - They will get stuck in your teeth. There's no avoiding it. Why can't you just order a plain bagel? Geez.

3: Zeppoles - I suggest wearing white if you even think you might encounter these delicious fried treats. Otherwise, wear your powdered sugar-coated outfit as a badge of honor. Strangers are bound to be jealous that you got to eat zeppoles and they did not.

2: Pasta Sauce - I suggest wearing any color but white if you want to indulge in Italian food. You know you are going to spill sauce on your shirt no matter how hard you try not to. Worried about the obvious clothing dilemma created by the previous item on this list? No worries. Dress in layers. Duh.

1: Cheez Doodles - You can do the Lady Macbeth routine as much as you like, but those telltale orange fingers are going to give you away every time.

Any more to add? Any horror stories? Share them below, and share this post with your friends to help them avoid embarrassment!

Top 5 Reasons Star Wars is Better than Star Trek

2012-01-19T11:49:00.000-05:00

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Star Wars was born. Since then the debate has been over which is better--Star Wars vs. Star Trek... Here are my arguments in favor of Star Wars. Let the battle begin!

5: E.T. was a senator in the Star Wars universe.

4: Name anybody in Star Trek who looked cooler than Boba Fett. You can't.

3: The dimly lit and busy Mos Eisley Cantina was worlds better than 10-Forward, which looks here like a game room.

2: Prominent Star Wars aliens* included a gigantic slug who chained women up in slinky outfits, and a red and black spikey martial artist with a double-bladed lightsaber. Prominent Star Trek aliens included a guy with pointy ears and a tight shirt, and shit-ton of guys with cranial malformations.

1: Lightsabers are never, ever set to "stun."

I made it through without a single Wesley Crusher joke! Okay Trekkers (or as Roddenberry preferred, Trekkies), let me have it in the comments below (and Star Wars fans, share this with your Facebook friends). Soon to come, I'll run this the other way--reasons Star Trek is better than Star Wars...

*Yeah, technically everyone on Star Wars was an alien--galaxy far, far away and all that--but you know what I mean.

Top 5 Fake Creatures Some People Think Are Real

2012-01-18T00:26:00.000-05:00

There are some creatures whose existence was known only through legends until recently, such as the giant squid. Then there are others whose sole existence is a legend, though plenty of naive people believe in them. This post is about the best of those imaginary creatures...

5: Melon Heads - As a kid, there was a legend where I grew up (southwestern Connecticut) about creatures that prowled Dracula Drive called Melon Heads (for their enormous heads, duh). They were said to be the result of centuries of inbreeding of a family accused of witchcraft in Colonial times and forced into the wilderness. The Melon Heads allegedly prey on humans who wandered into their territory. In reality, Dracula Drive's name is Velvet Street, and you'd drive there on a date, tell the Melon Head story on the way, stop the car, turn out the lights, knock on your own window and pretend to be scared, and hopefully scare the pants off your date (literally). It never worked, and never, ever, did actual Melon Heads appear.

4: Rods - Some people believe that the bugs flying too close to a camera lens which are occasionally photographed and show up as blurry lines are actually creatures known as "rods," which are invisible (apart from these accidental photos) and absolutely unsubstantiated by science.

3: Nessie - The Loch Ness Monster is thought by some to be a plesiosaur, surviving from the age of dinosaurs and living in Loch Ness in large enough numbers to have a sustainable population for millions of years. Despite this, no good evidence in support has ever turned up. The classic photo (above) was admitted by the hoaxer to be a plastic head glued to a toy submarine. All other sighting are attributable to mundane, common causes as well.

2: Chupacabra - The "goatsucker" is a recent myth. Chupacabras allegedly kill livestock and drink their blood. They are huge in Cuba and Mexico. Early descriptions were of a bipedal, spiny, alien-looking creature with sharp teeth and glowing red eyes. Current descriptions are of creatures that look like coyote/dog hybrids with mange. In reality the early descriptions were imaginary and the current descriptions are of mangy offspring of coyotes and dogs--imagine that.

1: Bigfoot - A/k/a Yeti, Abominable Snowman, and Sasquatch. "I love the smell of Squatch in the morning." This inane phrase was uttered by a moron. That moron is making money from the most inappropriately named show on television--Finding Bigfoot. It's inappropriately named because they don't and never will, find Bigfoot, as Bigfoot is not real. The "creature" in the film above is a guy in a rubber suit. Stop watching this show. Please.

Some people are blind to the beauty of reality and need to ignore rational explanations of mundane occurrences in favor of extraordinary (and sometimes magical) make-believe answers. Ever heard of any of these? Come on Fairfield County, recount your Melon Head stories below...

Top 5 Favorite Kid Shows Growing Up

2012-01-17T00:05:00.000-05:00

I've gone through other kid's shows, but these are what I grew up with in the late 70s, early 80s. These were my favorites as a very young kid.

5: Romper Room - Seriously, all I remember about this show is that the host had a hand-held "magic mirror" which she gazed into at the end of each episode where she "saw" all the viewers and thanked them by name. I always awaited my name (in vain, despite it being a very common name), which was enough to make me tune-in daily.

4: Mister Roger's Neighborhood - This was great because Fred Rogers was an amazing guy. Not only that, but he always came in and left on his uncomfortable clothes but changed into more comfortable shoes. He also had a toy train in his living room, and that's dope.

3: Sesame Street - The top 5 Sesame Street characters was covered earlier, but in addition to the characters, the way Sesame Street approached education is what made the show great. It was all about teaching through examples you could find in the real world--ten apples in the bag at the supermarket or whatever. To this day, I credit Sesame Street with my ability to count to 20 (and my deficiency at higher numbers).

2: 3-2-1 Contact - Still one of the best science/critical thinking shows ever produced, and it also included the Bloodhound Gang segment. Simply amazing.

1: Reading Rainbow - LeVar Burton, pre-Geordi La Forge, told children to go to the library and read certain books, but he didn't make you take his word for it--he had other children sell you on what was great about the stories. This show also had the coolest kids' theme-song of all time.

I'm about to commit a cardinal Kooz Top 5 sin. Way back in my first post, I said that I wouldn't give more than 5 answers to the top 5--no ties, no tier 2, nothing "also considered." But I need to give two shout-outs. First, Captain Kangaroo deserves a mention--it wasn't my favorite show, but he's in the pantheon with Fred Rogers and Mr. Hooper. Also on the same level is Mr. Wizard, whose various shows I caught only sporadically, but still had an impact on my life. Anyway, share this post via Facebook and Twitter, and share your thoughts on these and other shows in the comments below!

Top 5 Annoying Things About My Dry Cleaner

2012-01-16T00:58:00.001-05:00

My job requires me to wear cleaned and shirts pressed shirts. After trial and many errors, I found a dry cleaner I am generally happy with, though they are far from perfect. Here are the biggest pet peeves I have with them.

5: Cost. They are expensive. Dry cleaning and other services run me about $500/year! That's a lot that could be spent on things that are a lot less frustrating!

4: Coupons. They accept coupons, but only at drop off, not at pick-up when I'm actually paying (and therefore remember to bring coupons).

3: Lost Items. They lost my pants. Only one pair. The pants are not at my house, and the only place I'd take them without wearing.them is my dry cleaner. They returned the jacket to me, but not the pants. They have no record of receiving the pants, and I can't prove I dropped them off, so I have no recourse.

2: Stains. They are never able to do anything about ring around the collar.

1: Weird Record Keeping. One time, they printed my name inside all my shirts. Seriously--like a mom preparing her son's underwear for sleepaway camp. Problem is, one of the shirts wasn't mine--I borrowed it in a pinch. I had to buy a replacement, which sucked because it was a Brooks Brothers, and the one I borrowed didn't really fit me.

Yeah, I know there are a lot of serious things that I could be bitching about, but whatever. My blog, my complaints. Any dry cleaning horror stories? Share them below!

Sunday musings... Tebow.

2012-01-15T01:07:00.003-05:00

So Tebow's "miraculous" season comes to an end at the hands (and foot--he also had the longest punt of the game) of Tom Brady, whose 6 touchdowns were a record. Meanwhile, Tebow got beaten up pretty badly. My only thought--wouldn't it at least have been funny if the score was 66-6 after last week's parade of 316s?

Top 5 Favorite Non-English Songs

2012-01-14T01:15:00.000-05:00

In college, I lived with a foreign exchange student from Spain named Breixo who introduced me to music I may never have otherwise been exposed to. Two on this list he introduced me to, and the whole list is indirectly attributable to him because he opened my mind to all of this. So anyway, thanks to Breixo, here are my top 5 favorite foreign-language (non-English) songs.

5: Viva La Mamma by Neri Per Caso (Italian) - Love, love, love the harmonies. This is just a light, fun song which happens to have a very brief homage to Bohemian Rhapsody in the middle.

4: Via Con Me by Paolo Conte (Italian) - I love the emotion of this song; and I love when foreign songs use English in small bursts--it lets me connect to the song. This is one from the Breixo mix. I lost the mix he made me--if anyone knows Breixo, put him in touch with me!

3: Aguas de Marco by Antonio Carlos Jobim and Elis Regina (Portuguese) - There is a great moment at the end of the song when the duo is going back and forth and she starts laughing and singing, and her smile and happiness comes right through the recording and you can't help but be warmed by it.

2: Guantanamera by Julian Orbon and Jose Marti (Spanish) - This is a beautiful song with beautiful, poetic lyrics. I like Seeger's version because he sings it so simply, that it sounds even more beautiful than when someone with an amazing voice sings it. Plus, my 2 year old asks for this song by name, which is pretty cool.

1: Garota de Impanema (The Girl from Impanema) by Antonio Carlos Jobim (Portuguese) - This version, performed by Stan Getz and Joao Gilberto, is legendary and contains both the Portuguese and English lyrics. I first heard this song (albeit the English version) after-hours in a martini bar in South Norwalk that the girl I was dating got us into because she used to date the owner. I was talking to the bartender, who was snorting coke with some Brazilian with a machete, and this song came on. I was moved, and they made fun of me because I'd never heard it before. Whatever, at least I wasn't on coke.

So I know I have several readers from overseas. Share links to some of the best non-English songs you know in the comments below! And don't forget to share this post wit your friends.

Top 5 Reasons for Saving the Twinkie

2012-01-13T02:24:00.001-05:00

Guest Blogger Christie offers up today's top 5...

Hostess Brands, Inc. has once again filed for bankruptcy, and it's time for us to save this all-American empire of cream filled goodness. While it's the New Year and many have resolved to do the annual "let's try to lose weight" nonsense, the rest of us should face reality and realize our true goals--to show the world how snacking is our destiny, resolutions be damned! Here are the top 5 reasons we should save the Twinkie (and its brethren):

5: Lunchboxes. The only joy of bringing lunch to school as a kid was the dessert; if not for eating, then for trading. Hostess goodies were valuable when I was a kid. Either the yummy golden cake of the Twinkie or finding the foil-wrapped happiness of a Ding-Dong--whatever lay inside the confines of your lunchbox, it was certainly better than the lunch itself!

4: The Legends. Everyone has heard the urban legend that Twinkies can last forever. They have been rumored to have a shelf-life of up to 100 years and to be able to survive a nuclear apocalypse. I had a friend who even tried to use them as packing material (not recommended, by the way). In addition to these legends, there is the very real Twinkie Defense. During the 1979 trial of former police officer Dan White, White's attorneys used what was later termed the "Twinkie Defense," claiming that a sugar rush made him murder San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk.

3: The Lack of Shame. Let's face it, Twinkies can be fried; biting into a Ding Dong covers your teeth in chocolate from the first bite; and Woody on Cheers declared the snack cakes as "bite-sized" while stuffing them into his mouth whole. Hostess snack cakes make the daintiest of eaters and the most careful of dieters lose themselves in the sugar-laden treats. These road trip convenience store staples tempt those who forgot about these guilty pleasures on a day-to-day basis; just seeing them sitting next to the counter, one cannot help but grab onto a small piece of their childhood.

2: The All-American Principle. Only in America would a snack item be considered not only a piece of history, but also as an ingredient in wedding cakes. They have become such a piece of Americana that they are put into care packages for our troops. They have also, of course, spawned such eBay collectibles for the obsessed as a variety of Twinkie the Kid items. They even (indirectly) may have helped with the war effort--original Twinkies were made with banana filling, but due to a banana shortage in WWII the inside was changed to a vanilla flavored cream, which it remains to this day.

1: The Ghostbusters Connection. I will let the clip speak for itself--this is the obvious number one: Ghostbusters Twinkie.

While eating anything Hostess ever produced (with the possible exception of Wonder Bread) could be considered a hazard to one's health, they do bring us back to a time when having a snack wasn't taboo and nobody spoke of childhood obesity, and when we could all take a minute or two to enjoy something gooey, delicious, and guilt free!

Like this post? Share it on Facebook and Twitter. Don't forget to let Christie know what you think by commenting below, and visit her website, What's on the Menu!

Top 5 Best Jobs for Elves

2012-01-12T00:05:00.000-05:00

We're all familiar with elves--the little beings wearing green who have permeated our culture through fairy tales and Dungeons & Dragons. Ever wonder what career paths elves have open to them? I have. Here are the best careers for elves:

5: House Elf - Benefits: possibly live at Hogwarts; have tremendous magical powers; occasionally receive socks as gifts; if you are ugly, it's okay, as you are surrounded by other ugly elves. Detriments: you are a slave.

4: Dentist - Benefits: fulfill lifelong dream. Detriments: everyone, including Santa Claus, will hate you.

3: Toy Maker - Benefits: no work on Christmas. Detriments: work the other 364 days every year in frigid temperatures for eternity; learn to make an iPad or kids will think the fruits of your labor are crap.

2: Cobbler - Benefits: make shoes at night and have days free. Detriments: live with a poor cobbler who takes full credit (and accepts and keeps full payments) for all your work.

1: Cookie Maker - Benefits: live in a tree; free cookies in many delicious varieties. Detriments: live your life in constant fear of squirrels, owls, and other nefarious elf-hating tree-dwellers.

If you were an elf, what would you do for a living? Share below!

Top 5 Stupid Things People Actually Believe about the Government

2012-01-11T00:05:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger Eileene offers up today's top 5...

Everyone knows the government has secrets the rest of uscan’t ever know, but some people go a little further in their distrust of thegovernment. There are a large number of peoplewho think the establishment is controlled by all sorts of nefarious leaders(and creatures). They obviously havemore faith in the government than I do because I’m pretty sure our leaders arenot nearly as cool or capable as these conspiracy theories assume. If they were, I’d trust them a whole lot moremyself. Here are the 5 stupidest of these beliefs.

5 - Fluoride. That fluoride in your drinking water? Well it’s not tomake your teeth all nice and pretty for your lover. It’s really the government’s way to enslavethe population. There is a conspiracy theory that Flouride in the publicwater systems is used as mind control, or population control, or to make us allslaves to the man. Some believe it makes citizens more likely to be subjugated,develop schizophrenia, or to become ill. Read more about it here.

4 - Government mind-control. Not only are they poisoning ourwater, but a lot of people believe the government controls our minds through subliminalmessages in the TV. I’m almost certain this is not true because I’ve triedusing subliminal messages to get better at life and they don't work; I totallywasted my $1.99 on iTunes! Thisconspiracy theory also assumes the government is a lot cooler than it actuallyis and that the population is a lot harder to control than it actually is. In reality, you can pretty much convince themasses to believe anything without subliminal messages or poisoned water. Readmore about it here.

3 - Aliens and nukes. The government’s nuclear weapons sites are being visitedby UFOs. These UFOs are disarming the weapons by causing the systems to be losecontact with control and the UFOs also cut the power to the weapons. I can’treally explain this better than the UK Daily Mail can, so read more of this nonsense here.

2 - New World Order. There is a New World Order of super elite people operatingas a shadow government who are the evil masterminds behind every world war and major event, and who control the media and the entertainment industries. LadyGaga is their minion. They also caused the recession because they control theeconomy. They hang out at places like “Bohemian Grove” in California andparticipate in orgies and occult rituals, then they go something called theBildeberg Hotel in the Netherlands where they plot more ways to take over theworld. They are also behind theaforementioned water fluoridation so they can more easily take over the world… Subject yourself to more craziness here.

1 - Reptoids. Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who actuallythink the following is true. There is a secret race of reptiles controlling theworld. Yep, that’s right. People actually believe some lizardscame down from space eons ago and now control the human population. They also shape-shift. That New World Order Ijust told you about? Obviously they’re all lizard people. You think that nice man in the Oval Office isa human? Nope, at night he shape-shifts into a lizard. You think Prince Williamand Kate Middleton are sweet newlywed couple? You’re wrong, they are Lizards. Check it out here and here.

In the interest of full-disclosure though, here is aCracked.com list of seven conspiracytheories that actually did turn out to be true, so you never know...

Share your favorite consipiracy theory (or defend the "thruth" of one of these) below, and don't forget to share with your friends on Facebook and Twitter, and visit Eileene's blog: Happiness is Excellence.

Top 5 Words for "Cool" That Deserve a Comeback

2012-01-10T00:16:00.000-05:00

Ever since jazz great Lester "The President" Young coined the word "cool" to mean something good, people have been coming up with other words and phrases to mean the same. Here are the top 5 of those words which have come and gone, but deserve a comeback! The vids are the best I could find of people using these words... Some are pretty bizarre. (I get a kick out of these folks doubling their views out of the blue too, so that's cool, err, radical!)

5: Def - There was one brief, glorious moment where everything was def. Poetry jams, comedy, even rappers (of whom, the most def was Mos Def, obviously). Then in an instant, it was gone, supplanted by fresh, and phat, and others. But we remember you, def, and we miss you... (Couldn't find a vid of this one--can you believe it? Will Smith said "def" about 8 million times during the run of The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire, but I can't find a single one.)

4: Phat - You knew the time for this word to fall into disuse had come when people started saying, "that's phat with a 'p-h.'" They literally clarified their statement so people wouldn't think they meant the new song or movie or pizza shop or whatever was being referred to was overweight. So sad. Well, we still have Baby Phat, right? Time to bring it back, sans spelling lesson.

3: Excellent - From Bill and Ted to Wayne and Garth to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles--there was a time in the 90s where this was the word to use for all positive happenings. This needs to be used sparingly, but needs to be used nonetheless.

2: Rad - It's 80s surfer slang, and while it's still occasionally used on the west coast of the U.S., it needs to be brought back into full circulation. Say the word "radical" in its entirety if something's really, really cool.

1: Dope - It started as street slang, but quickly went mainstream. It had staying power too--"dope" kept in the vernacular while countless others entered and passed from common usage. What's best is that we really can bring this one back. Say it: "Dope." Now say something is dope--look around your room, find an object, and say that object is dope: "That Halloween jack-o-lantern that I still haven't put away is dope." Now say it with authority about something abstract, and maybe add a curse word: "Damn that shit is dope!" Now you've got it. Let's bring it back.

Noticeably absent from the list is "tubular." Don't. Just don't. If you have any rad comments about words that mean "cool," share them below. And share this with your friends on Facebook--they'll think you're dope!

Top 5 Worst Things About Staying in the Hospital

2012-01-09T00:05:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger Sooz offers up today's top 5...

I recently went through the top 5 good things about being in the hospital. But let's be real--nobody really enjoys the hospital. Here are the top 5 worst things about staying in the hospital.

5: Different doctors and nurses each shift. While it is a fun game to guess who the latest person examining you is, it would be nice if each one didn't offer advice that directly conflicts with the last person's suggestions.

4: The visitors policy. The hospital may have official visiting hours, but no worries, they won't expect anyone to adhere to them. And the staff won't want to bother you to let you know someone has arrived; they'll just send them to your room unannounced so you assume it's just another hospital employee barging in on you. Best to stay in bed at all times so no one is exposed to the open back of your fancy gown.

3: Overnight guests. The hospital offers an uncomfortable pull out "bed" that converts from a surprisingly uncomfortable chair. Perhaps this is just a good way for the hospital to drum up business for their orthopedic department.

2: The temperature. While it is nice that each room has its own thermostat for you to control, it would be better if the buttons actually did something. I imagine they aren't actually hooked up to anything, much like the door close button in an elevator or the morphine drip button you control yourself.

1: The lack of relaxation. You might think you have plenty of time for resting and recovering, but someone will be in to see you approximately every 6 minutes. Doctors, nurses, flabotomists, administrators, the person who delivers your food, then comes back for the tray, and then comes back for your menu for the next day. If you want sleep, you should consider home surgery.

Share your lousy hospital stay experiences below, and share this post with you friends on Facebook or Twitter!

Sunday musings... Are you funny?

2012-01-08T00:05:00.000-05:00

You may notice, for the first time since we started there was no top 5 list yesterday. This is because I am tending to a newborn baby. If you answered "yes" to the question in the title, you may be perfectly suited to write for the Kooz Top 5 and help us avoid a second missed day. We are always looking for guest bloggers on any topic... Email or comment below if interested!

Top 5 Good Things About Staying in the Hospital

2012-01-06T12:54:00.001-05:00

Guest Blogger Sooz offers up today's top 5...

After a recent hospital stay, the following things occur to me:

5: No thinking necessary. Someone will tell you when to eat, bring you medicine and watch over you while you take it. You will also be told when to go to the bathroom, and any other little thing you might accidentally forget during your stay.

4: The food. No, really. They offer a surprising amount of options, and they aren't too shabby. If your hospital offers a Nourishment Room, check it out. There could be Haagen-Dazs in there along with the apple juice.

3: Free parking. How often can you get free parking nowadays? I even have to pay for the privilege of shopping at Target. But parking at the hospital is free. They even offer valet service at the Emergency Room entrance. Seriously.

2: No pesky walking on your own manpower. You will likely be brought both into and out of the hospital via wheelchair whether you need it or not. And the person pushing you will probably be a 90-year-old volunteer who should switch spots with you, so it's an uncomfortably long ride to get where you are going.

1: The clothes. Don't worry about getting all fancied up for your stay, you will be provided with some fabulous duds. If you are lucky, sexy mesh underwear will be thrown in with the adorably hard to close backless gowns and rubber-soled socks. Don't knock 'em 'til you try 'em!

Upon rereading this list, it occurs to me there is a slight chance that these things may vary based on the hospital you go to. I suggest going to a good one! Please share your best hospital experiences in the comments below, or take a stab at guessing the topic my next guest blogger column (blood-drawing pun intended).

Top 5 Dumbest Quotes from Republican 2012 Presidential Candidates

2012-01-05T02:30:00.000-05:00

This blog is non-partisan. Where appropriate, we will make fun of any major, minor, or third party in any country. As you know, the U.S. will be choosing a President soon. Unfortunately for you Republican readers, the GOP has provided a field of candidates who can't seem to keep their feet out of their mouths. It's an embarrassment of riches for late night talk show hosts. I'll have my swipe here. These are actual quotes from people who intend to lead the United States for 4 years.

5: Rick Perry, Governor of Texas - "I will tell you; it's three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education, and the... What's the third one there? Let's see... Okay. So Commerce, Education! And the... I can't. The third one, I can't. Sorry. Oops." (Forgetting, during a debate, that he would cut the Department of Energy. This isn't fair--he just forgot something, but he's such a bad debater, and this was huge--it probably cost him a legitimate chance of securing the nomination.)

4: Herman Cain, Pizza Magnate - "I'm ready for the 'gotcha' questions, and they're already starting to come. And when they ask me 'who is the President of Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-Stan-Stan,' I'm going to say, 'you know, I don't know. Do you know?'" (Blissfully proud of his ignorance in foreign affairs, because it's probably not important for the leader of the free world to know anything about Uzbekistan.)

3: Michele Bachmann, Congresswoman from Minnesota - "Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit I have too." (John Wayne, legendary actor and tough guy, was from Winterset, Iowa. Okay, not too far off... Oh wait, John Wayne Gacy, notorious murderer of 33 people, lived in and committed atrocities in Waterloo. D'oh!)

2: Newt Gingrich, Former Speaker of the House of Representatives - "I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [my grandchildren are] my age, they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American." (Methinks Newt has no understanding of the following definitions: "secular," "atheist," "dominated," and "radical Islamists." If he did, he'd understand that his points are mutually exclusive and his statement is nonsensical.

1: Bachmann is fun, let's have another from her - "But we also know that the very founders that wrote these documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ...I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly--men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country." (So much wrong here (aside from the grammar)--many of the Founding Fathers were slaveholders; provisions to abolish slavery were left out of the Constitution; the Constitution indicates that a slave is counted as 3/5 of a person for calculating population; John Quincy Adams was not a Founding Father (his dad, John Adams, was); John Quincy Adams did not see slavery abolished in his lifetime. Look, you don't have to know all this generally, but if you're running for President, you should at least run these by someone who does before you say them.)

As of this writing, Perry's campaign is on hold, and Bachmann and Cain have dropped out of the running. Newt is still in, but is probably going to run interference for the generally-hateful-toward-people-of-different-viewpoints Rick Santorum. Unfortunately, pro-reality Republican Jon Huntsman is polling at about 1%. Oh well, I guess the GOP is really looking at starting with a clean slate and a legitimate field in 2016...

Okay conservatives, burn me in effigy (figuratively) below. Dems, you'll get yours--all in due time. Mwah-ha-ha!

Top 5 Things I'll Miss Now That I Have 2 Kids

2012-01-04T00:05:00.000-05:00

A beautiful, healthy baby boy just joined me, my wife, and our 2 year old son. I live for my family, and they make me happier than anything in the world. But that isn't to say family life is always a bed of roses. At the risk of getting nasty looks from my beloved bride, here are the top 5 things I miss most now that I have 2 sons.

5: T.V. - We bring the baby home today, which means he'll sleep in a bassinet in our room, which means we'll need to keep quiet, which means I won't be able to watch t.v. at night.

4: The Internet - I like to skate the world wide webs when I am up at night. I will be up at night a lot with the baby. I will not have free hands to navigate a mouse and keyboard. I will be awake, inches from the internet, but with my hands full of bottles and diapers.

3: Free Time - Our toddler finally got to a schedule where he sleeps at a specific time and stays down through the night. While he's awake, he's a handful. When he's asleep, my wife and I can relax, have dinner, watch t.v., read books, and do whatever else we feel like. New baby needs to be fed every 2 hours, and needs to be attended to between feedings. I'll miss you, leisure activities!

2: Sleep - Sleep will, at best, come in hour-and-a-half spurts, as we awaken to feed the new baby every 2 hours. This means we wi-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Huh? Sorry; fell asleep.

1: My Wife - The tolls of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing, combined with the lack of sleep and free time will mean it will be a while before my wife and I get to spend some quality alone-time together. I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

I will miss all these things, but I'm happy to give them up forever for the light my boys shine into my life every day!

Top 5 Kooz Predictions for 2012

2012-01-03T00:40:00.002-05:00

Every psychic out there makes predictions for the new year, but they all have a few things in common. They make a ton of predictions, so the odds are in their favor. The predictions are also either so vague as to make them applicable to many circumstances, or they play the odds (in predicting celebrity deaths, Amy Winehouse was a safer bet than, say, Heath Ledger the year before). Here are my "psychic" guesses.

5: A major earthquake will cause damage to a heavily populated area.

4: McDonald's will suffer a major setback and will issue a public statement.

3: Betty White will suffer major health problems.

2: Facebook will issue an update which will cause users to petition against the change.

1: An unexpected politician will rise to prominence in the GOP, but will fall because of a sex scandal.

Make your predictions below--at the end of the year we'll revisit and see how we did!

Top 5 Realistic New Year's Resolutions

2012-01-02T00:05:00.000-05:00

Here are my resolutions for the new year, along with how I expect them to go. I resolve to:

5: Visit Family and Friends - Respond "yes" to every Evite; skip the New Year's brunch I'm invited to because I'm hung over. Decide that since I've already blown this one, I'll focus on the other four.

4: Start Exercising - Sign up for a gym membership. Go twice, then sign up for a spin class that I skip. Constantly find excuses to avoid going to the gym. By June, start looking into what the penalty is for canceling my gym membership early.

3: Quit Drinking - Let's see, I started drinking on New year's Eve, but kept drinking past midnight. Busted... Next?

2: Eat Healthy - ("Healthily"? I dunno.) Eat yogurt for breakfast, almonds for a snack, salad for lunch, and fish for dinner; crash and eat a tub of ice cream in front of the t.v. at 11:30; go to bed wallowing in self-loathing and contempt, feeling like the fat pig I am and always will be. Keep this up until January 3rd, then lose all pretense of eating right.

1: Save Money - Only spend money on things that I need to. Waste money on a gym membership, booze, ice cream. Resolve to make better resolutions next year.

Share your resolutions below! (Or tell us how quickly you broke them!)

Sunday musings... New Year's Rockin' Eve.

2012-01-01T00:05:00.000-05:00

Anyone want to explain to me who these acts are, why they warrant watching, and why nobody I've ever heard of is performing except for Lady Gaga? Not just New Year's Rockin' Eve, but Anderson Cooper's thing, and all the other shows I've seen. Pit Bull, are you serious? Enough.

Top 5 Favorite Vodkas

2011-12-31T10:21:00.001-05:00

New Year's Eve--a time when millions across the country drink themselves into a stupor to watch a crystal ball slide down a pole while the guy from American Idol makes fun of Dick Clark on the down low. Anyway, I'm phoning it in today, since nobody will be reading this... Here are my top 5 favorite vodkas.

5: Blavod - The only one that makes the list because of its gimmick, Blavod is black vodka. It tastes like Absolut, so you better mix it with something, but it's a pretty cool thing to have for Halloween.

4: Purus - The best vodka you've never tried. Despite being hugely unpopular, Purus is amazingly smooth and light--almost refreshing (if you can say that about a drink you can light on fire).

3: Van Gogh - Famous dead painter vodka--it's smooth and crisp with a nice, mild flavor. Definitely for sipping. Nice bottle too--excellent for a recent college grad to display in the window of his loft apartment; easily passes as modern art.

2: Chopin - Famous dead pianist vodka (one-ups famous dead painter vodka)--it's velvety and smooth, with an almost sweet aftertaste. Also a nice bottle--toss a candle in there and you're all set to trick a hippy into sleeping with you!

1: Grey Goose - The standard by which all other vodkas are measured. I think it's the best, but you'll hear people say whether it's better or worse than Grey Goose, and in what ways. Goose lost some cred when it started making about 83 various flavored vodkas (do we really need kumquat and pickle infused vodka?), but it's still the leader of the pack. So smooth--a vodka taste without any alcoholic bite.

I used to be a vodka rocks guy, ow I'm on to gin and tonic, but I had plenty of high-end vodkas in my time. But, as always, use the comments below to tell me why I'm wrong.

Top 5 Funniest Sitcoms of 2011 (on Cable TV)

2011-12-30T01:13:00.000-05:00

We've been through 2011's funniest network sitcoms, but a lot of people still cling to cable to bring the funny. Here's a look at 2011's top 5 funniest cable sitcoms.

5: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX) - The show that teaches us that pathetic losers can do alright in life, but only relative to other losers. This show shines when a normal person wanders into a plotline, showing just how pathetic Mack, Dennis, Charlie, Frank, and Sweet Dee are. The show has slipped in the last two seasons, but the early episodes are gold--the prom episode is one of my all time favorite sitcom episodes from any show ever.

4: South Park (Comedy Central) - It's still classic. It's still exposing bullshit. And it's still hilarious when little kids curse. This show has off-episodes, but generally, it's getting better with age.

3: Louie (FX) - I avoided this show at first because I thought it was about Louie Anderson, which sounds as funny as a kick in the junk, and I didn't want to waste my time watching a fat guy run around while whining. Besides, I can do that on my own. But I finally experienced enough peer pressure to watch, and was pleasantly surprised by my first exposure to Louis C.K., a comedic genius. Everybody praises how real the show is--and I get that--but I think they miss how funny it is too! It is absolutely a must-watch.

2: The Venture Bros. (Adult Swim) - Even in a world where comic book-type superheroes and villains exist, people need down time. The Venture Bros. shows us what happens in that time. The show is riddled with 80s and 90s subtle pop-culture references. It's on pretty late, so I am usually stifling laughter to avoid waking my wife up while I watch.

1: The League (FX) - This is one of the few shows on television that still makes me lol. Literally. It started as a quasi-clone of It's Always Sunny, but has evolved into it's own entity. If you haven't seen it, watch one episode--Mr. McGibblets from Season 1. If that doesn't make you laugh, stop reading this blog and go back to your Golden Girls reruns where Blanche remains one cheeky gal. Ugh.

It is amazing how many good shows are out there. Apologies mostly to Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is pay cable so it wasn't eligible, and Psych, which isn't really a sitcom. Or is and didn't make the cut. Whichever lets you sleep at night. Have a beef with what I left out or the order these are in? Bring it below. I'll fight back.

Top 5 Interesting Things About Lewis Carroll

2011-12-29T01:43:00.000-05:00

You know that Lewis Carroll wrote Alice's Adventures In Wonderland and its companion piece Through The Looking Glass. Here's some things I'll bet you didn't know about this interesting author.

5: In addition to writing, he also illustrated the first editions of the Alice series.

4: He coined the word portmanteau for various terms he used in his famous Jabberwocky poem.

3: Lewis Carroll was his nom de plume. His real name was Charles Lutwidge Dodgson--which is the name he used on his scholarly writings.

2: "What scholarly writings," you ask? Well, ~~Carroll~~ Dodgson was a mathematician and logician, writing more than 10 scholarly books and developing the Dodgson's method--a voting system grounded, in part, on the Kendall tau distance metric (yeah, I don't understand it either).

1: Finally, in addition to being the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything (hat tip to Douglas Adams), the number 42 crops up throughout Carroll's works: Rule 42 in Alice is that all persons more than a mile high must leave the Queen's court; in the preface of The Hunting of the Snark, Rule 42 in the preface is "No one shall speak to the Man at the Helm"; in the same story, the Baker has 42 boxes with his name printed on them; the White Queen in Through the Looking Glass is 101 years, 5 months, 1 day old--if her and the other queen are the same age, their combined age is 74,088 days, or 42 x 42 x 42 (remember, he was a mathematician).

So there you go--the 5 most interesting things you never knew about the guy behind Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Any thoughts? Share below!

Top 5 Best Time Travel TV Shows

2011-12-28T00:05:00.000-05:00

Time travel is a major premise for a lot of t.v. shows. To qualify for this list, a major theme of the show has to be time travel, not one episode (or even multiple episodes, a la the Star Trek franchise).

5: Dinosaur Train - My son occasionally watches this show about a group of dinosaur children who hop on a magical train which takes them through time to various prehistoric eras where they meet and learn about various prehistoric dinosaurs and other creatures. It's a clever way to expose kids to science and sci-fi, while keeping things light (for example, when a T-Rex meets a pterodactyl, he befriends him instead of eating him).

4: Voyagers! - I vaguely recall this show from my childhood, and that recollection tells me this was the coolest show on television. Looking back, it lasted only a single season, so my guess is that my memory is highly suspect. Anyway, the coolest thing about the show was the Omni (the thingy in the top right of the picture)--I was pretty sure it was real and could be purchased at Bradlees. Of course, I desperately wanted one so I too could travel through time. Missed marketing opportunity--a good toy line and millions of naive little boys could have saved the show.

3: Life on Mars - Both the U.K. and the U.S. versions of this show are very good (a lot of people disparage the U.S. version, but without good reason). In this show, Sam Tyler, a cop in the present day, is hit by a car and wakes up as a cop in the 70s. Both series play great as cop shows and as sci-fi thrillers. Can't say much more without giving too much away, so just go watch the shows. Watch the U.K. version first, then the U.S.--the endings are different, and pretty wild. They are short (2 seasons and 1 season, respectively) so watching won't take long. Theses deserve your attention.

2: Quantum Leap - Oh boy, this show was good. Scott Bakula found himself inhabiting the bodies of various people throughout time without any idea why he was there other than to fix some sort of a wrong. With the help of that guy from Married to the Mob, he righted the wrong and saved the day, only to leap into another time and body he knew nothing about. Most memorable were when he leapt into himself as a kid. And the one where he encouraged a young Steven King; that was pretty cool.

1: Doctor Who - The Doctor and his companion travel the universe and the stream of time being awesome. The Doctor is one of the most kick-ass characters ever dreamt up--the last of the Time Lords, he and a human girl fly around in his spaceship/timeship, which is disguised as an old English police call box, protecting the innocent, and often Earth, from baddies. Occasionally, he dies and regenerates into a new form, and the character lives on (played by a different actor). Okay, it sounds hokey; but it's not--really, it's not. It's really, really cool. Oh yeah, it's also the longest running and most successful sci-fi show of all time, and has a total of over 780 episodes, so don't take my word for it.

Sorry Sliders fans, I didn't feel comfortable including the show since it jumped to alternate realities where sometimes things seemed like they were in the past or future, rather than actually going to the past or future. The show just didn't fit the criteria.

Top 5 Favorite Words With Bizarre Roots

2011-12-26T00:05:00.000-05:00

A portmanteau is a word for which the form and meaning are derived from a blending of two or more distinct forms. You use these words, but I'll bet you didn't know how they came to be.

5: Smash - After a while, people started to notice how often "smack" and "mash" went hand-in-hand. Now, we rarely say mash (except with reference to potatoes), and we say smash about as often as smack, if not more.

4: Because - If you act because of something, that something is the cause of your acting. "Because" is a portmanteau of "by the cause."

3: Internet - An international network of linked computers used primarily for (1) dissemination of pornography; (2) social networking; (3) playing video games; and occasionally (4) working. For some reason, the short form became "internet" rather than "internetpornfacegamework."

2: Goodbye - Years ago, as Europeans left from a visit, they'd be wished safe travels by the phrase, "God be with ye." No word on where "smell ya later" came from...

1: Bonfire - Ancient Celts used to burn the bones of cattle slaughtered at the festival of Samhain, the end of summer/beginning of winter ritual, this "bone fire" (banefire in Middle English) eventually gave us the word bonfire. Crazy, right? I wonder if the Celts celebrated by playing the homecoming game the next day.

So, portmanteaus... Did you know that Lewis Carroll coined the term? Yup, the same guy who wrote Alice in Wonderland. interesting, right? he's an interesting guy... More on him later, probably. Anyway, comments below (if you can think of other portmanteaus, please share them!), and don't forget to share on Facebook!

Sunday musings... Dr. Who.

2011-12-25T01:06:00.002-05:00

I am catching up on some Dr. Who while cleaning up and preparing for visitors tomorrow. This show is just so much fun. It's clever and funny, but also pretty cool. Favorite line from this episode: "It's a fez, I wear a fez now. Fez's are cool." Anyway, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it. Oh, and sarcastic clap for Tony Romo--nice performance for me playing for the fantasy football championship yesterday.

For a glimpse into a small section of the Dr. Who universe, click here--the top 5 t.v. cyborgs.

Top 5 Best Breakfast Cereal Companies

2011-12-24T01:25:00.000-05:00

We're dealing solely with cold cereal in this list, so it doesn't matter that the company you like makes the best bagels--they live and die by what we pour milk over every morning. We already went over the best non-sweet cereals and we will go over the best sweet cereals later. Here are the best companies behind those cereals...

5: Kashi - Kashi was bought by Kellogg, who has retained Kashi as a distinct brand. This is the easy #5 on the list. It has a smaller selection than the big boys below, and what selection it does have is limited to "healthy" cereals such as the GoLean series, Heart To Heart (Oat "Os"), the Granola series, and the Kashi 7 Whole Grain Cereals series. Look, Kashi isn't gross, but it's more expensive and usually less tasty than its competitors.

4: Quaker Oats Company - Quaker is responsible for Life cereal, which is probably the most popular and delicious cereal that hasn't been copied by other companies. More importantly, Quaker makes Cap'n Crunch which, despite scraping the roof of your mouth to shreds, is among the best sweet cereals ever made (with Crunch Berries--the regular kind is fine, but the Crunch Berries make the meal). Quaker also brings us Puffed Wheat and Puffed Rice, as well as Quisp, which is a cereal that seems to be stuck in the 1950s, but tastes pretty good.

3: Post Foods - Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles are enough to vault Post to number three, but add in Honeycomb cereal, and it's no contest. Post also brings us Alpha-Bits (which are disappointing because they do not contain the entire alphabet), and Raisin Bran (the best of the raisin brans).

2: Kellogg Company - Kellogg's makes one of the greatest cereals of all time: Rice Krispies (and it's sweeter brother, Cocoa Krispies). Behind that, Kellogg's has some big names, but none really rise to the same level of greatness as Rice Krispies: Raisin Bran, Corn Pops, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Honey Smacks, and Froot Loops.

1: General Mills - This company's tasty breakfast treats reads like a grocery list of deliciousness: Cheerios, Chex, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, Cookie Crisp, Count Chocula, Kix, and Lucky Charms, to name a few. None of the other companies even come close to the amount of excellent cereals coming out of General Mills.

I never expected this to be so clear--I thought I'd have difficulty choosing between the top 3. But nope, it was pretty straight-forward. So there's some information you never needed, never wanted, and will never use. Yep, that's 2 minutes of life you'll never have back. Why not make it 5 minutes and add a comment about your favorite cereals (and cereal companies, if you have any) below?

Top 5 Starfleet Captains

2011-12-23T01:03:00.000-05:00

Okay nerds, this one's for you. There are 5 Star Trek t.v. series, so picking the 5 best Captains be a matter of putting the Captains from each series in the proper order, right? But I'm a firm believer that Janeway sucks, and Tryla Scott (youngest Starfleet officer to make Captain) and Rachel Garrett are much cooler. I also believe that none of these three should crack this top 5 best list:

5: Mackenzie Calhoun - Calhoun is Captain of the USS Excalibur, and the main character in a series of Star Trek novels and comic books. His command style is similar to that of Captain Kirk, though he's believed to be a more efficient killer, which makes him sorta scary and potentially a sociopath. Anyway, the coolest thing about him is that he is the only Star Trek character to never appear in any series or in any movie, yet still have an action figure [nerdgasm].

4: Hikaru Sulu - Sulu was cool on the original Star Trek, but as Captain of the USS Excelsior in Star Trek VI: the Undiscovered Country, he attempts to rescue Kirk and Doctor McCoy, and eventually prevents an assassination attempt on the President of the Federation.

3: Christopher Pike - He was Captain of the USS Enterprise before Kirk, he has shuttlecrafts named after him, and even a city named in his honor (Pike City on Cestus III). As a testament to his bravery (one example of which was his saving of multiple lives while exposing himself to dangerous rays which left him disfigured and crippled), Pike has the Medal of Valor named after him.

2: James T. Kirk - The first Captain we all knew, played by an actor who couldn't deliver lines and was somewhere between disliked and hated by his cast-mates, Kirk is the biggest icon in Star Trek (along with Spock, who though he served as Captain, never did anything worthy of being in the top 5). Kirk, as Captain of the USS Enterprise, would be #1 if not for a guy with a French name, an English accent, and an iconic bald head...

1: Jean Luc Picard - The best Captain in the history of the Star Trek universe. Picard was measured and level-headed, taking suggestions from his fellow officers and friends, but always making his decision after weighing the evidence he gathered. Plus, he deserves props for putting up with Riker all those years! My son would have been named Jean-Luc, if my wife allowed it. Luckily for my son, my wife did not allow it.

Ugh, such a nerd. Share with other nerds via Facebook, and feel free to comment below. Oh yeah, random observation--why do all the good Starship names start with an "E"?

Top 5 Best Christmas Movies Since 2000

2011-12-22T00:21:00.000-05:00

The commercialization of Christmas has had at least one positive side-effect--a proliferation of Christmas movies! Granted, the millennium is still young, but here are the best Christmas/holiday movies since 2000.

5: Fred Claus (2007) - Vince Vaughn is Santa's brother, Fred. Fred goes to the North Pole and ~~hilarity~~ mildly humorous antics ensue. This movie wasn't great, but this wasn't a terrific decade for Christmas movies, so it makes the list. There are a few funny moments (though a couple seem ripped off from other movies, like #2 below), and it is very watchable.

4: Four Christmases (2008) - Vince Vaughn (still on a Christmas movie kick) and Reese Witherspoon are a modern couple without kids, and with no intention of getting married. They end up having wacky encounters with their parents and realize all they're missing from life. It's an entertaining and funny movie. This won't be a classic, but it's worth watching.

3: Bad Santa (2003) - The story of a horny, jerky crook posing as a mall Santa. Billy Bob Thornton is hilarious, and dirty. And really funny. And really dirty. He's funny and dirty. With its great one-liners and literal lol moments, this one is destined to be a classic.

2: Elf (2003) - Will Ferrell is a human raised by Santa's elves who leaves the North Pole for New York City where he meets up with his business executive father. Ferrell is absolutely terrific in this movie, bringing the same style comedy as in Anchorman and Old School, but slightly softened, making this movie acceptable for the whole family. Zooey Deschanel also shines in this film as Ferrell's love interest.

1: Love Actually (2003) - This movie is packed with stars and follows a bunch of story lines encompassing a roller-coaster of emotions. As each of the story lines resolves, you find yourself laughing, crying, smiling, cheering, and falling in love with this movie. It is at times hilarious, at moments poignant, and almost always unpredictable. This movie will be watched by people at Christmas for the next hundred years, it's that good.

Who knew that 2003 was such a banner year for Christmas movies? Full disclosure: I didn't include A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011) because I haven't seen it yet. Word is it could certainly be good enough to jump right into the heart of this list. What do you guys think of these flicks? And should Harold & Kumar be on the list? Should anything else that I missed?

Check out these other Christmas posts:
Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs
Top 5 Best Kids Christmas TV Specials
Top 5 Obscure Quotes from Popular Christmas Movies
Top 5 Worst Lyrics from "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs

2011-12-21T01:46:00.000-05:00

Intentionally not included on this list are songs that have no following. For example, there are novelty songs like those using only rubber bands; and there are obnoxious and bad punk cover songs of holiday standards, but nobody listens to these. This list is intended to compile the 5 popular worst Christmas songs.

5: Do They Know It's Christmas? - Alright, the song isn't so bad, but as I previously noted, the lyrics are too offensive to not include on this list.

4: Dominick the Donkey - When this song was released in 1960, the Italian community loved it. Now it sounds like a goombah caricature. It's also just annoying to go from White Christmas or All I Want For Christmas Is You to this abrasive, annoying song.

3: ?Donde Esta Santa Claus? - Aww, it's a kid singing in a different language, isn't that cute? Nope.

2: We Wish You A Merry Christmas - One verse says, "Oh, bring us a figgy pudding." Yeah, everyone's clamoring for figgy pudding. Sounds amazing. Sure. And now that the demands are stated, the next verse: "We won't go until we get some." Nice; really nice. Not only do you want me to give you something crappy-sounding that I'm sure not to have on hand, but you are threatening me with your continued presence unless I acquiesce. What a terrible song.

1: Christmas Shoes - This is a song about a heartless, hell-bound cashier and his devilish refusal to, on Christmas Eve, provide a cheap pair of woman's shoes to a poor boy which the boy only wants to bring to his mother so she can wear them to meet Jesus after she dies that night from cancer. Wait, what? It isn't about the cashier? Oh, it's about the narrator who learns the true meaning of Christmas when he buys the shoes for the boy? Well ain't that just sappy. Notice, the cashier is still a dick who is looking to close the sale.

There are so many beautiful Christmas songs out there, but there are plenty of bad ones as well. Let's hear what lousy Christmas songs you think were snubbed from this list? Post your comments below, and please share this on Facebook!

Top 5 Weirdest Creatures I've Eaten

2011-12-20T01:09:00.001-05:00

I didn't eat mushrooms until a decade ago, fish until 5 years ago, and I still don't eat pork (it's not religious, I just don't eat it--I'm working on it...). My weird food phobias are even stranger in light of my willingness to eat some other strange foods. Here's the top 5 most unusual creatures I've eaten.

5: Buffalo - This isn't so bizarre these days, but it's still not terribly common. Tastes like beef, only leaner and with a slight sweetness to it. I had it in burger form, and it was one of the best burgers I've had.

4: Frog - Frog legs, to be precise. Kermit tastes, well, greasy and slimy. Plus, the frog that donated his legs was big, but there was still almost no meat on the bones. I would not eat these again, and am feeling slightly ill from the memory.

3: Alligator - I've eaten alligator on several occasions, and I've yet to enjoy it. It tastes like greasy chicken. Really, that's it. It's slightly rubbery, very greasy, and quite chicken-y.

2: Ostrich - I dunno, it's just poultry. But I guess it's weird to eat it in the U.S.

1: Whale - I legally ate a whale steak in Reykjavik, Iceland. A few observations: first, despite what you'd think because of the blubber, my whale steak was very dry; second, it was somewhat tough which, when combined with the dryness, leads me to believe my whale was overcooked; third, I felt pretty bad about eating whale some time after I ate it. Whales are pretty intelligent and the concept of eating an intelligent creature eventually came to bother me. Yeah, I know...

So... have you eaten anything bizarre, strange, or unusual? Share your stories below. And please, if you enjoyed this post, share it on Facebook!

Top 5 Craziest Kim Jong-il Moments

2011-12-19T02:06:00.000-05:00

Kim Jong-il is dead. For well over a decade, this crazy person (the guy staring at the corn in the picture) ruled North Korea in what most of the world has described as "repressive." Why do I call him a crazy person? Read these top 5 craziest things about him, and tell me if you have a better name.

5: In his first game of golf, he shot 38 under par with 11 holes-in-one. That would be impressive for Tiger Woods on a mini-golf course. In fact, it is much, much better than any round of golf ever recorded.

4: He once planned to import and breed giant rabbits to solve hunger problems in North Korea. Yeah, really.

3: Despite the giant rabbit thing falling-through (and hunger presumably still being a problem), he said: "Unlike in many countries of the capitalist world, [North Korea] is a state free of homelessness, unemployment, prostitution, and starvation." North Korea: where everyone has a home, a job, and food, but no whores. And no giant rabbits, so maybe, actually, no food. And if that's wrong, maybe the others are also wrong, so there may be no job or home. And there may be whores... North Korea: live poor and hungry on street, but get laid if you come into money!

2: To stay young, he was said to inject himself with the blood of virgins. Scientifically literate, image conscious, and ethically-minded? Maybe he is a god!

1: Sorry, this one isn't funny at all. He said: "Our nuclear deterrent will be ... a merciless offensive means to deal a just retaliatory strike to those who touch the country's dignity and sovereignty even a bit..." Given his enormous ego, maybe we're all a little safer without him.

So another dictator is dead. Here's hoping his son and successor is more reasonable and willing to work toward peace. Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

Sunday musings... Community.

2011-12-18T00:05:00.000-05:00

There's a nice community of us here coming from all over the world and from all walks of life; it's interesting to hear what everyone has to add. These posts get a lot of comments on Facebook as well, unfortunately, those comments don't make it here. So let me make a request--please post here! But either way it's cool, the guest bloggers and I are just glad you're reading!

Reminder: if you are interested in writing a "top 5" (or several), please let me know a.s.a.p.--the baby is due any day now, and without guest posts, this blog will go dormant for some time...

Top 5 NYC Holiday Decorations Between My Office and Grand Central

2011-12-17T00:07:00.001-05:00

During the holiday season, walking through midtown Manhattan is crazy due to the millions of visitors; but it's worth the hassle to see some of the cool holiday decorations. Here are my five favorite this year:

5: Big Balls! Gigantic red ornaments sitting in a pool of flowing water, each several feet across. (This pic is actually from last year, but they're there again.)

4: The Tree at Rockefeller Center! When Alec Baldwin isn't getting kicked off flights, he's busy pretending to work at 30 Rock on 30 Rock, the home of this enormous tree!

3: It's my Building in a Box! What's better than gift wrapped apartment building? It sure as hell beats a car!

2: Steampunk Christmas! This is a projection onto the side of a building showing gears and clockwork. Last year I remember a bunch of bubbles being projected onto this building. This is way better.

1: The Tree at Bryant Park! The blue lights are so elegant and beautiful. Like Rockefeller, this tree is in front of an ice-skating rink, except this tree is much closer. It's smaller than its more popular cousin at the Rock, but it's by far the best tree in the City.

I'm lucky to work in this city, seriously. Comments? Thoughts? Share them below.

Top 5 Best Kid's Christmas TV Specials

2011-12-16T02:05:00.000-05:00

Remember when that swirly CBS "Special" logo appeared? If it was in December, you knew an awesome Christmas special was seconds away. Well, since 'tis the season and all that, here you go--the long-awaited, much anticipated, top 5 best Christmas t.v. specials for kids!

5: The Year Without A Santa Clause - This makes the list for 3 reasons: (1) claymation, (2) Messrs. Heat Miser and Snow Miser, and (3) the best fantasy world of any show in this list! In this world, Santa taking "a day" off (because working 1 day a year can be rough) makes headlines around the world! Also, there are more supernaturals than in Twlight and True Blood combined! Heat Miser, Snow Miser, Santa, elves, gnomes, Mother Earth (Gaia), flying reindeer, and more. It's pretty wild!

4: How the Grinch Stole Christmas - Sing along:
"You're an asshole, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a fuck!
I hate your stupid face, and you really fucking suck, Mr. Gri-inch!
You're a dickwad, and every who knows you is absolutely certain...
that you are a schmucuuuuck!"

3: Frosty the Snowman - I think it was Michael Goudeau who said of Frosty on the old Penn Jillette radio show, "There must have been some animatronics in that old silk hat they found." Because there's no such thing as magic. Still, the best take on frosty is from Family Guy (skip ahead to 0:51).

2: A Charlie Brown Christmas - We all know the story. Snoopy wins an award for gaudiest shit-slepped-together-last-minute-decorations-for-a-dog-house, Charlie Brown picks a shitty tree, nobody can dance, and Linus reads us the Bible. Honestly, this is my favorite Christmas special to watch now--there's something really charming about Peanuts. Watching them feels like home.

1: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - This has it all--claymation, an island of misfit toys, a gay elf who thinks the other elves shun him because he wants to be a dentist and not because they're homophobes, a crazy man who can "taste" silver and gold on a pick-axe, the abominable snow man, a talking snow man, a bunch of songs, and all the usual Christmas stuff. There are so many disparate but ultimately converging story lines that demand your full attention, you can't help but be engrossed. Rudolph is the perfect kids Christmas special.

The hardest thing about this list was putting Rudolph over Snoopy, but I think the reindeer deserves it. The Charlie Brown special is awesome and holds a special place in my heart, but there's too much going on in Rudolph for Charlie Brown to really compete.

Any glaring omissions? What would be your number 1? Let us know in the comments below, and as always, please share this on Facebook or Twitter!

Top 5 Worst Time Magazine Persons of the Year

2011-12-15T00:05:00.000-05:00

In 1927, Time Magazine started choosing a "Person of the Year." Time says it is for the individual (or group) who has had the biggest effect on the year's news, and claims it is not necessarily an honor, pointing to several people on this list as proof. This year it chose "The Protester." Totally lame choice when you think of the ineffective "Occupy" movement that is currently pissing off Americans daily. Entirely appropriate if you consider the protesters that have effected change and caused the overthrow of totalitarian regimes throughout the world. Maybe they could have found a single person, but whatever, I'm okay with it. Here, however, are some of Time's worst choices:

5: You (2006) - In 2006, you were Time's Person of the Year. Where do you keep your plaque? What a damn cop-out. A flimsy mirror graced the cover, and "you" were chosen because of your presence on the interwebs. Despite what you may think, however, you were a terrible choice for Person of the Year. There were lots of better choices in 2006, including Stephen Colbert.

4: The Endangered Earth (1988) - Seriously? Shut up, Time; shut up.

3: Ayatollah Khomeini (1979) - And now, a list of bad guys for your reading displeasure. Khomeini was behind the Iran Hostage Crisis, a kidnapping of 52 American Embassy staff who were held as hostages until 1981. This had already started when he was chosen to grace the Time cover as Person of the Year. He also called for Islamic revolutions, striving to create a worldwide Islamic state. A decade later he issued a fatwa on Salman Rushdie for writing a book about a theologically embarrassing part of the Koran. What a dick.

2: Adolf Hitler (1938) - So I went back and read the article, because I couldn't believe that Hitler was chosen (even though it was just before he started WWII). This makes my list because even though Hitler was newsworthy and met Time's criteria, the article was critical of Hitler, but not critical enough. If Time picks a newsworthy bad guy, they need to make it clear he's a bad guy. This presented Hitler as "the world's No. 1 International Revolutionist" which, in context, was lauding the change he brought while criticizing his rants against Communism and "international Jewry." It also consistently refers to him by his title, the honorific Fuhrer Hitler. It states, "His was no ordinary dictatorship, but rather one of great energy and magnificent planning." Yikes. But I can't put this as #1. He is the worst person on this list, but when he was chosen, he hadn't yet revealed the level of his insanity. Plus, I am certainly biased by a lifetime of belief that Hitler was the worst person ever to live (as I've come to acknowledge over the years that it is a debatable point, sadly).

1: Joseph Stalin (1939, 1942) - Stalin was responsible for the death of millions of people. Millions. And it was all before Time made him Person of the Year. It isn't as though nothing else was going on in 1942 that Time couldn't have found someone more worthy, and perhaps less evil. Oh yeah, this guy got it twice--fucking twice.

So Time's claim that bad guys get the ~~award~~ ~~honor~~ title(?) because they make the most news in the year is a hollow statement considering Osama Bin Ladin didn't get it in 2001. Seriously, honoring Hitler is terrible, and honoring Stalin twice is disgusting. And yeah, Time, it's an award--don't try to bullshit us now.

Top 5 Worst Lyrics from "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

2011-12-14T00:05:00.000-05:00

"It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid..." So went the lyrics of Do They Know It's Christmas? by Band Aid--a supergroup comprised of various artists who donated proceeds to those stricken by famine in Africa, and particularly, Ethiopia. But there was reason to be afraid, or so it seemed if you listened to the rest of the lyrics. Here are the top 5 worst lyrics in this song.

5: "There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear" - That's how we see Africa--a world of dread and fear. Not the birthplace of humanity or the land of the Pharaohs of Egypt, the ancient Nubian pyramids in the Sudan, and the famed city of Timbuktu--no it's the world of dread and fear.

4: "Here's to you, raise a glass to everyone; here's to them, underneath that burning sun" - Yeah, let's drink to the starving children of Africa--cheers!

3: "And the Christmas bells that ring there, are the clanging chimes of doom" - I guess they do know it's Christmas time--that's when the ominous sound of Christmas bells chime their message of doom. Sweet.

2: "Well tonight thank God it's them, instead of you" - Does God hate Africans? Thank God it's them--we really dodged a bullet by choosing to be born in the U.S.

1: "Where nothing ever grows, no rain nor rivers flow" - There are 6.5 million km of forest in Africa, representing almost 22% of its land area. The longest river in the world--the Nile--as well as the Congo, Niger, and Zambezi are all in Africa. Debundscha, Cameroon has the fourth highest average rainfall in the world. Stuff grows, rain falls, rivers flow, and lyrics fail.

"Do they know it's Christmas time at all?" Some do, sure, but a lot of them aren't Christians, so maybe not... So I'll admit, I like this song. I think it's catchy, and I think the lyrics are sorta funny in their distinct, offensive way. More importantly, the song made some money to help starving people, which is more than most of us do. But still, those are some pretty offensive lyrics. What do you guys think--am I way off-base here?

QUIZ: Top 5 Acronyms Only Nerds Know

2011-12-13T04:23:00.002-05:00

I am a nerd, and this proves it--I can tell you what each of these acronyms stands for. Can you? A hint follows each one. An overall hint: several answers can be found on this page.

5: TNG - Mr. Crusher would know this one, which sorta sucks.

4: BSG - This acronym was created by man.

3: MIB - Not a movie involving Will Smith, but something you might relate to his action figure.

2: PEBKAC - Everyone in IT should get this; everyone who has called IT has probably had this issue.

1: TARDIS - It's bigger on the inside.

If you aren't embarrassed, post below how many out of 5 you know. If you think you can stump others, add additional acronyms below as well. I'll post answers after people have a chance to look.

(If you like this quiz, check out this Christmas movie quote quiz.)

Top 5 Stupidest G.I. Joe Action Figures

2011-12-12T01:01:00.000-05:00

G.I. Joe was a highly influential cartoon for every boy in the 80s. The cartoon world where the quasi-military Joes warred with the secret criminal Cobra organization masterminded by a half-snake, half-man bent on conquering the world blinded us to the fact the show was just a long commercial for the Hasbro toy series. The toy series premiered in 1982, but became progressively weirder as the cartoon series wore on and gained in popularity. Below is a list of some of the worst G.I. Joe figures ever made, some for their gimmick, some for other reasons.

5: Shipwreck (1985) - Shipwreck was a sailor. In 1994, he got a revamped action figure and became a Navy SEAL, but initially, he was a sailor. He came with a parrot. The parrot's name was Polly. His G.I. Joe specialties included deck swabbing and singing songs about the Navy. He was never helpful.

4: Sneak Peek (1987) - Sneak Peek performed advanced recon for the Joes. Doubtless his light gray and bright orange costume, combined with his neon green periscope-ish thing, provided Cobra plenty of advanced notice the Joes were lurking nearby as well.

3: Chuckles (1987) - Chuckles is the Joes' spy--undercover as a douchebag in a Hawaiian shirt with an inconspicuous holster over the shirt around his chest and a foot-long blade cleverly disguised as a gigantic knife strapped to his leg. He was terrible at his job, and his name was Chuckles.

2: The Fridge (1986) - The 1986 Bears won the SuperBowl. William Perry--nicknamed "The Fridge"--was a defensive player who was used occasionally in offensive plays. In the '86 Super Bowl, he scored a touchdown on a running play, carrying several defensive players with him. In G.I. Joe, he was only available by special mail order, his weapon was a football on a chain (although the chain was molded plastic, so it was really a football on a pole), and he was listed as a Physical Training Instructor for the Joes. The Fridge stood 6'2", 382 lbs. Yup, the Joes had a fat guy as their PT instructor.

1: Ice Cream Solider (1994) - He's not a terrible character--he's a flamethrower commando, whatever that is, and his weapon is pretty bad-ass. His secondary military specialty--according to his official file card--was "Barbecue Chef." Yikes. But really, he's on this list for having the worst Code Name in the history of the franchise.

There is a world of lousy G.I. Joe figures out there. What are your favorite terrible action figures? I only saw half of the new movie--were there any goofy new characters introduced in it? Share your thoughts below.

Sunday musings... Presidential politics.

2011-12-11T11:16:00.001-05:00

How can it be that the best people we can trot out for the highest office in the land are, on one side, a guy who has largely failed to keep his promises and has been impotent against political gridlock in the first 3 years of his presidency, and on the other side, a series of politicians who are each worse than the last in terms of social policy or, in the worst cases, basic common sense? Where's our Reagan? Our FDR? Our Kennedy? Hell, I'd take a fictional Jed Bartlet at this point...

Top 5 Things That Aren't Legal, But Should Be

2011-12-10T00:14:00.000-05:00

The U.S. is one of a few countries where freedoms are guaranteed, yet, here's my list of the top 5 things we should be free to do, but aren't. Crazy, huh? (Full disclosure, I'll note my personal relation to each issue.)

5: Smoking in bars. (I don't smoke, and like bars where nobody is smoking.) If someone opens a bar by getting financing, renting a location, purchasing equipment and supplies, hiring and training staff, and buying advertising, he should be free to do whatever he wants with it. Yet in a growing movement to ban smoking in bars, bar owners may be subject to a fine. We all know smoking is bad for you, but grown-ups are free to do bad things so long as they don't adversely affect others. But this isn't about the smoker's choice to smoke, it's the bar owner's choice to allow smoking. If a bar owner thinks that a smoking ban will increase business, then he can institute a ban. Otherwise, he can allow smoking. It shouldn't be the government's call.

4: Prostitution. (7-Up approach--never had it, never will.) Film it and claim it has artistic value and you can pay people for sex; drop the camera and pretense and you can't. Buy someone a bunch of drinks or flowers to make love, you're cool; give the same person the cash to buy it herself, you're a crook. People should be free to reign over their bodies, including selling sex, if they desire. Legalizing and regulating prostitution could generate tax revenue, prevent the spread of disease, give prostitutes basic human rights, and curtail underground prostitution by utilizing the resources currently invested in fighting what amounts to consenual sex between adults.

3: Marijuana. (I don't use drugs.) Why is pot still illegal? It's less harmful than alcohol and almost all, if not all, other drugs. Two U.S. Presidents admit smoking dope, and no doubt others have done so without copping to it. A recent poll shows that more than 50% of Americans favor legalization. Why is it illegal? Because a myth about the dangers of weed and a culture of marijuana as a gateway drug has developed and persisted, despite scientific evidence to the contrary. Ridiculous.

2: Gambling. (I love to gamble, but I'm a cheapskate.) Every state can make a fortune legalizing gambling. Centuries old prudishness and bullshit puritanical values provide reasons against legalizing gambling. It's more of the government deciding that you aren't responsible enough to spend your money, often citing the fact that in a casino, all the odds favor the house. What's ridiculous is that these same governments often offer state-sponsored lotteries, where the odds of winning are orders of magnitude smaller than the worst games in casinos. The position is hypocritical and untenable.

1: Gay marriage. (I am a man married to a woman.) The best argument against this is some people's amorphous concept of what constitutes a family. Yet studies show there is not an adverse affect when a child is raised by same sex parents. Upbringing and cultural biases make people ignore the data. Ideally, these biases wouldn't affect the government, but politicians often kowtow to their constituency, regardless of the freedoms promised to U.S. citizens. In 50 years, people will look back at us with disbelief, the same way we look at people who thought anti-miscegenation laws forbidding blacks and whites from marrying were a good idea. Besides, it's not the government's job to regulate who individuals associate with. The government should be out of the marriage business altogether.

So that's it. Sorry it's not funny, but I was in a ranting mood while drafting. So... Did this stir anything up in you? I'll assume anyone who doesn't comment agrees completely (and continue to live in my happy little bubble where everybody thinks like me). Of course, you could comment below and set me straight.

Top 5 Smurfs

2011-12-09T00:34:00.000-05:00

In the 80s, schtroumpfs were everywhere--but we know them as smurfs. They were on toy store shelves, television, stickers, notebooks, backpacks, lunch boxes; basically anything that could be marketed to a kid had a picture of a smurf slapped onto it. Their indelible blue faces are burned into my memory. Here are my top 5 favorite smurfs:

5: Brainy Smurf - Brainy was a know-it-all, a kiss-ass, and an all-around douche. He was integral to the show, filling the role of "the asshole you love to hate."

4: Jokey Smurf - Jokey's sole contribution to the smurfdom is that he hands other smurfs presents which blow up in their faces. He's basically a domestic terrorist. Ridiculous.

3: Smurfette - Gargamel was an evil wizard who wanted to catch smurfs to either eat them (pretty dark, huh?) or turn them into gold. To capture them, he created a smurf of his own--Smurfette--to lure the other smurfs to him. She was the first (and for a long time, only) female smurf, giving rise to endless jokes about how all the boy smurfs want to smurf her in the smurf.

2: Vanity Smurf - The smurfs were progressive enough to have a gay character; backwards enough to have him be a caricature of a gay man; and too chicken-shit to be honest and open about it. Well, it's time to open up the closet door and step on out, Vanity. It's the 21st century and nobody gives a smurf anymore (except Rick Perry).

1: Grouchy Smurf - The 80s were a different time; a time where kids' cartoon characters could talk about "hating" things with reckless abandon, and nobody cared. Grouchy's catchphrase was, "I hate [whatever/whoever]!" Well Grouchy, I love the lessons you impressed upon my young mind--thanks, and smurf you.

These are the best--or do you think I'm wrong? Maybe you've seen the movie and that changes things in your eyes? Share your favorites below.

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Top 5 Female Stand-Up Comedians of All-Time

2011-12-08T00:03:00.000-05:00

Google "women aren't funny" and you'll get a ton of articles explaining why women aren't funny or that women aren't funny. Not true, as this list will show. Keep in mind, this list is stand-up comedians only--all apologies to great comedic actors (e.g., Anna Faris) and writers (e.g., Tina Fey).

5: Janeane Garofalo - She's very smart, which makes for some very funny comedy (until her politics start creeping a little too far into her act). I fought against liking her for some reason for many years, but ultimately had to relent because I found myself laughing every time I watched her, and watching her more and more.

4: Phyllis Diller - She's been on-stage telling jokes longer than you've been alive. She isn't a dirty comic, but she takes advantage of our blue minds (couldn't find a clip, but check out her spot in The Aristocrats). And yeah, she's funnier than Betty White.

3: Sarah Silverman - She's clever and edgy, with no topics taboo or out-of-bounds. She's constantly pushing the envelope, and though her star has leveled out some in recent years, it's hard to think that at 41, her best days don't lie ahead.

2: Paula Poundstone - She's a self-described asexual who was once in big trouble for taking her kids for a ride while hammered, but she's done her time and been clean ever since. Comedy-wise, her "pokin' at ya, pokin' at ya" bit is still simply hilarious.

1: Ellen DeGeneris - Everything you could want in a comedian--very funny, cleverly written, witty, and delivered with absolutely perfect timing. She may have the best timing of any current comedian, male or female, and is one of thefunniest comics of all time. Ignore her t.v. show.

For my money, the only one from this list that would be on an overall list (men and women) would be Ellen, but there are just so many funny comedians, a lot of whom are men. My guess is that for decades, more men than women became comedians; given that, of course this list (or any) would be skewed toward males. Whatever. Who is your favorite female comic? Do you think women are as funny as men, or not? Why? We'd love for you to share your thoughts below.

Top 5 Actors Turned Musicians

2011-12-07T00:47:00.000-05:00

Guest Blogger John Majneber offers up today's Top 5...

Here's my list of my favorite actors that decided to give music a try:

5: Jack Black, (Tenacious D) - This band is a bit of a joke, but is still good enough to make this list (that, or everything else was just that shitty). Jack black has appeared in Kung Fu Panda, School of Rock, and King Kong.

Spotify link: Tenacious D

Youtube link: Tenacious D

4: Jared Leto, (30 Seconds to Mars) - While they are probably the most popular and legitimate band on this list, they are not as good as the rest of this list (but are still pretty good). Jared Leto has appeared in Requiem for a Dream, Lord of War, and Fight Club.

Spotify link: 30 Seconds to Mars

Youtube link: 30 Seconds to Mars

3: Ryan Gosling, (Dead Man's Bones) - "Pa Pa Power" single-handedly catapults Ryan Gosling and his band mate Zach Shields to #3 on the list. He has appeared in The Notebook, Drive, and Blue Valentine.

Spotify link: Dead Man's Bones

Youtube link: Dead Man's Bones

2: Jason Schwartzman, (Phantom Planet, Coconut Records) - Technically Schwartzman was in his band, Phantom Planet, before starting his acting career, but the band was not relevant until around 2002 when its hit song "California" became the theme song for The OC. By then, Schwartzman's acting career was getting off the ground with his starring role in Rushmore and a guest appearance on Freaks and Geeks. He is unlike everyone else previously on this list because he came back to the music industry with a solo project, Coconut Records, which I think is much better than Phantom Planet. He has made additional acting appearances in Fantastic Mr. Fox, I Heart Huckabees, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

Spotify links: Phantom Planet, Coconut Records

Youtube links: Phantom Planet, Coconut Records

1: Donald Glover, (Childish Gambino) - Childish Gambino was my inspiration to write this post and is, by far, my favorite artist on this list. Glover recently released a rap album, "Camp," which stands up to and surpasses all current rap albums. His clever lines include: "you're my favorite rapper now / yeah dude I better be / or you can fuckin' kiss my ass, Human Centipede" and "the shit I'm doing this year, insanity / made the beat then murdered it... Casey Anthony." Donald Glover's acting appearances include The Muppets, Mystery Team, and the TV series, Community.

Spotify links: Childish Gambino

Youtube links: Childish Gambino

When you have some spare time, check out these bands if you haven't already, and let us know what you think! As always, please email, share, or tweet this post to your friends!

Top 5 Funniest Sitcoms of 2011 (on Network TV)

2011-12-06T00:05:00.000-05:00

People have said this is a golden age for television. I don't know if that's true, or if it just seems that way now that we aren't drowning under a deluge of reality "stars" clogging prime time with inane eating challenges or bizarre love triangles. For what it's worth, based on the difficulty of putting this list together, I think it might just be true (and think--this is only network television!).

5: How I Met Your Mother (CBS) - A bunch of twenty-somethings living in NYC, except it isn't Friends. This show has spawned so many clever, memorable quotes; created a bunch of memorable characters; and made us laugh, cry, and everything in between. Plus, it re-reintroduced us to Neil Patrick Harris (Harold & Kumar brought him back first), gave Jason Segel some exposure and the actor cred to make movies, and gave Alyson Hannigan something to do now that her band camp flute days are behind her.

4: The Office (NBC) - The mundane happenings of co-workers in an office of a paper company. This was never as good as the U.K.original, but it's still funny. It has also accomplished a rarity for a sitcom--it has created characters we care about. Now that Steve Carell is gone, the show has gotten even funnier, allowing the ensemble to shine more.

3: Happy Endings (ABC) - Pretty sure this is the same general premise as How I Met Your Mother, except in Chicago. I've only caught a few episodes, but every one I've seen has had me laughing out loud. This is one of the funniest new shows on television. Who knew that Jack Bauer's daughter could be so funny!

2: Community (NBC) - A mis-matched study group attending a bizarre community college. This show just has such a great cast. How can you not like a show with Chevy Chase, Joel McHale, and the guy who butt dials his girlfriend or chooses several Snack Wraps in old commercials? Plus, the show is really creative--it's constantly busting into animation, claymation, and a variety of clever and completely bizarre plot twists.

1: Modern Family (ABC) - A "modern" family with a step-mom who's younger than the daughter, a gay couple, and even an adopted Asian baby. This is the perfect show. The cast (which features Happy Gilmore's love interest and Al Bundy) is great, and the focus is on the cast as an ensemble. What's crazy is this show shouldn't be as funny as it is--nothing really stands out about it--but it has had me convulsing with laughter on numerous occasions. It's also developed the characters so well, we can all relate to them. It has tearjerker moments, but I always come away from this show smiling.

In the future we will have a top 5 cable t.v. sitcoms, so yes, I have heard of It's Always Sunny or whatever your cable show of choice is. What shows am I missing? Make your case for your favorite in the comments below.

(While you're here, check out some of the crappiest 80s sitcoms.)

QUIZ: Top 5 Obscure Quotes from Popular Christmas Movies

2011-12-05T00:05:00.000-05:00

On this first Monday in December, I thought it’d be fun to have alittle quiz. Below are five obscure, butgreat, quotes from Christmas movies. You've heard of the Christmas movies. The quotes may have slipped past you, but we'll see. Put your answers/guesses in the commentssection. I’ll add the answers in thecomments after people get a chance to weigh-in.

5: "What boat took them allto Gilligan's lsland?"

"Er, Mako? Mackerel?"

4: "Watch out, the yellowones don't stop!"

3: "It's Junction 13 that'sjust murder, isn't it? Total gridlock this morning."

(This one is hilarious because of the unusual context—let’s see if youever caught the words. This is a cluetoo, so this may help you figure it out.)

2: “Well, it’s a blue ball.”

1: "Boys and girls andmusic. Why do they need gin?"

...and from the same movie, but a different character and scene...

"I feel like a bootlegger's wife!"

See how many you can figure out. Add your guesses below, and if you have a good obscure quote from aholiday movie, try to stump us by posting it below. Oh yeah, share this with your friends onFacebook too!

Sunday musings... Help!

2011-12-04T00:05:00.000-05:00

So my wife is very pregnant--not in amount but in degree, she's due in less than a month and could go at any time. At first, it'll be tough for me to balance the baby and the blog on top of my normal life, so I am asking for your help. I'd like to keep doing six top 5 lists per week, so I need some guest bloggers. If you have a point of view, your own blog you'd like to pimp, something you think is funny, or just an interest in writing, consider writing one or more guest posts. Email me or comment below and let me know where to contact you. Obviously, you'll be free to speak your mind and opinion pieces are welcome.

Top 5 Reason Google+ May Fail

2011-12-03T00:05:00.000-05:00

Twitter and Facebook rule the social network roost and have thwarted past attempts by Google, the Master of the Interwebs, to bump them. Google publicly rolled out its newest attempt at a social network, Google+, on September 20, 2011. So far though, it's failed to deliver for a variety of reasons--here are the top 5 (in my opinion).

5: Circles are confusing. Google's biggest selling point for G+ is its "circles" which allow people to segregate their friends. Inadvertantly, circles are confusing. For example, if I add someone to a circle, I can see what they post publicly, even if they don't add me to a circle. What if I share with the circle I added them to--will they see it even if they haven't added me? Does that mean I could get spam from anyone who adds me to a circle even if I don't add them back? If not, then why would I share to a circle when those people can't even see what I share? It's all a little confusing.

4: Google may get sued by Diaspora. Diaspora looks exactly like G+, was conceived before it, apparently designed its site before G+, but launched later. Any litigation could harm Google+'s chances of becoming more popular.

3: It was too slow to go public. You build a social network by getting a bunch of people right away. Google should have automatically made everyone with a Gmail account a Google+ member, and rolled itself out right away. If it needed to work out some kinks with a smaller group, it should have done it internally. Rolling out slowly meant that people would join, check it out, find out there was nobody there, then leave and never come back.

2: It didn't capitalize on Facebook fatigue. People are sick of how complicated Facebook is getting and how confusing it is every time they update and change things. This happened around the time G+ was rolled out to the public, but Google somehow missed this opportunity and people got complacent with Facebook again.

1: No critical mass. To build off the previous point (#3), without a critical mass of participating members, people peek in then return to Facebook where their friends are. Without a critical mass, most of my friends won't try it, those who do won't stay, and forget about my mom and other older relatives.

Google+ is better than Facebook, but internal decisions have worked against it, and it will probably never gain enough ground on Facebook to be truly and independently viable. The only reason I say it may fail is that Google is enormously wealthy and powerful, and because of that Google+ can't be counted out yet. Are you on Google+? Share your reasons why or why not below. And don't forget to share on Facebook (or Google+, Diaspora, Twitter, etc.)...

Top 5 Funniest Classic (and Dirty) Fake/Gag Names

2011-12-02T00:05:00.000-05:00

Every now and then, some clever individual dons a pseudonym and makes an appearance in some media outlet. It is always funny. Always. Below are the most iconic and funny fake names. Where available, I'll link to videos or pictures.

5: Hugh Jass - This one's a classic, but it's probably too obvious to ever be used by any show with a 5 second delay or in any paper with an editor older than 12.

4: Jack Mehoff - Okay, in this clip, Mr. Mehoff graduates college. Here he is lost at the store. (Here's Bill O'Reilly coming close--maybe this is a cousin? You'd think that with a name like this he'd go by "John."

3: Anita Dick - No clips here--again, probably too obvious, and unlike Mr. Mehoff, Anita can't exactly change her last name to "Richard."

2: Mike Hunt - First he's writing in to Imus in the Morning, then he's at L.A. City Counsel meetings, then he's not at L.A. City Counsel another day when they call for him. Mike even gets a shout out for his birthday (along with a bunch of others). One thing we know for certain, Mike Hunt's open for anything.

1: Heywood Jablome - He appears in the paper on occasion, but there's not much available online. But there are tons of stories about good 'ole Heywood getting his name announced at various places. If you can dig any media up, please link to it below.

So... if you watch the birthday shout outs linked in #2, you'll see that Ms. Dixie Normous gets a nod. She's pretty lucky, because she also won something here, nut not lucky enough to make the top 5--her name isn't as classic as the others. Of course there are ultra-classic names that are more iconic--I.C. Weiner, for example (any Fry fans?)--but they aren't as funny, so they get cut too. What are the best ones you've heard? Any additional links will be appreciated! Share below...

Top 5 Funniest "Swingers" Quotes

2011-12-01T00:05:00.000-05:00

Swingers (1996) is one of the best movies ever. I just rewatched this and am flooded with so many great college memories. In addition to being influential on my formative years, the movie also gave rise to the careers of Vince Vaughn and Ron Livingston and gave Jon Favreau his first writing credit, so there's that... It was really, really funny too--here's the proof.

5: Trent: I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from.

4: Mike: ...I spend half the night talking to some girl who's looking around the room to see if there's somebody else who's more important she should be talking to, and it's like I'm supposed to be all happy 'cause she's wearing a backpack, you know?

3: Mike: (After Sue pulls a gun on some guys) What the fuck! Didn’t you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot.

2: Mike: What the fuck are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?

Sue: Hey man, you're not from here, alright. You don't know how it is. I grew up in L.A.

Trent: Anaheim.

Sue: Whatever, man.

1: The best scene is right after Mike gets a girl's number in a bar. When he gets home, despite the advice of his friends to wait several days before calling, he calls her and gets her machine. The transcript is too long to post, but I promise you will laugh out loud if you watch the scene.

There are funnier movies,but none capture the essence of being a twenty-something single guy picking upgirls in bars, and playing video games while drinking and ordering take-out. Maybe the best scene in the movie comes right at the end when Mike's ex callshim. No spoilers here, so just watch the movie--but it pulls it alltogether perfectly.

Top 5 Most Embarrassing Pennsylvania Town Names

2011-11-30T00:05:00.000-05:00

This all started when my wife giggled at the name of the city Coxsackie, NY. I started looking for other funny town or city names, and oddly enough, most of the ones I found are located in Pennsylvania! Here are the most embarrassing town names in PA.

5: Poorman Side - Makes you wonder how towns get their names. If it's a port by a bridge, Bridgeport makes sense. I guess when the wrong side of the tracks splits off into it's own town, and that town is named by the wealthy but grammatically challenged people remaining on the right side of the tracks, this is what you get...

4: Big Beaver - I think this clip of the immortal Frank Drebin says it all, except this--they're big here.

3: Intercourse - Intercourse means sex. This town is Sex, PA.

2: Virginville - Only 45 miles from Intercourse, but it feels like an eternity.

1: Blue Ball - If you're a guy, make sure you stop off in Intercourse and check out Big Beaver, otherwise you may end up here, sad and alone.

Next time you visit Pennsylvania, make sure to visit these towns and thank the townspeople for their zany senses of humor! On second thought, don't do that--they hate that. Have you ever been to these places? Do they live up to the hype? How about some wacky town names in your state? Share them in the comments below.

(...and see the Top 5 Most Interesting State Nicknames here.)